There is no point in pretending anything else. I am put out, bothered, irritated, aggravated, offended, frustrated, angry and a few more colorful words I was instructed not to use during my years in junior high. There I was taught that only those whose vocabulary was limited used such language and it reflected their lack of intelligence and education. This is perhaps true, but today for just this minute I would like the ability to reveal limited intelligence and lack of education with a few exclamation points and perhaps a black block where a censor has deleted a word. I am peeved, my friends.
No doubt, at this point, you have moved to the edge of your seat and with bated breathe you await eagerly the revelation of what horror of nature has occurred to cause this state of being. Your rapt attention is very soothing and might even on another occasion serve to reduce my annoyance and instead assist me to a mood of mild perturbance, but such is not the case today. Today I hold on to the anger and despite many deliberate, confrontational, come to Jesus conversations within my head, I cannot bring myself to lay this particular bucket down. And therein lies my difficulty. I think the bucket has little significance, the need to keep it firmly in my grasp has become the stumbling block.
This has me in deep thought today. I had a long conversation with an old friend this week. We discussed "powers and principalities" in terms of Paul's thoughts in Ephesians. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 She mentioned a very difficult situation she had found herself in and her awareness that it really wasn't the people she was struggling with, it was the spirit working through the people. This leads me to wonder this; is the issue itself one kind of personal affront and then the emotional response another? More pointedly, does an injury create opportunity for the spiritual forces of evil to mount an assault?
I know, I can hear you backing up now. Sliding back in your chairs, crossing your arms and murmuring things like, I think you may be over reacting. We are not particularly comfortable in talking about evil, powers of this dark world or any sort of 'warfare'. It sounds very much like looking for devils in bushes, and I am not at all suggesting this is a valuable use of time. (I will admit that I have been thinking some of my associates are resembling devils in the bushes or anywhere else, but this is merely a flight of fancy solely for purposes of diversion.)
Nor am I suggesting there is something demonic about anger or annoyance or any of the other emotions listed in the first paragraph. I believe we are emotional beings made that way in the image of God and all emotion is part of the whole. I think there are healthy ways to express and process emotion, but I am a firm believer in feelings being real and God given.
What I am saying is this; when we are injured either accidentally, deliberately or negligently, the injury is real and sparks a response. What we do with the response can become a battlefield. Paul thought so too, he was trying to tell us to be ready for battle by arming ourselves with the equipment God had provided. And it is in the middle of the battlefield I find myself in all my heated radiance. How do I take this God given response to an injury and respond appropriately? And really, how on earth does all that armor get this bucket out of my hand and my serenity restored?
I have gotten as far as the belt of truth. I am a big fan of belts. They are making a fashion return, or perhaps I am making a belt return, I haven't quite decided. The last couple of shopping trips I found some darling additions to the closet and I am pleased as punch. I think they are also helpful in keeping my pants where they belong and my shirt tucked in. And, yes I admit, sometimes my cell phone in place. Don't repeat that, I have just discovered it is a no-no. I always wear a shirt over it....does that count?
The truth part speaks to me as well. Part of my anger today is in the repeated behavioral cycles I find myself in, and the injustice offends my sensibilities. The repetition makes me wonder where I am missing the boat and why I keep finding myself here. It also gives me cause to wonder if some of this is not my fault and if I am doomed to do this over and over again. I think I fear being held against my will in places that are painful, and I want to hold onto the anger because I think it protects me. What a silly thought. This truth thing is helpful!
More truth is that while I am a knucklehead and get more wrong than I do right, Jesus died for me while I was still quite lost and not at all making any attempt to be found. In fact, if I never get it, if I continually repeat the same pattern, his death on my behalf is still enough. Hebrews says that we have been made perfected and Jesus said it was finished. I am just trying to learn to live that way. There is a lot of comfort in remembering that I am a beloved daughter of the most high God and all the aggravation in the world cannot change that.
Finally, God tells me to let go of the bucket. That he will take it for me and he will see that it is both redeemed and made right. He never told me to set it down because it wasn't a big deal, didn't really hurt, was a complete misunderstanding. He said I wasn't the one to deal with it, he was. And he would deal with it perfectly. Forgiveness allows me to set the bucket down, and move on, knowing that my Father who loves me in ways my mind cannot conceive has it all well in hand and is redeeming all of it even as I release it.
I am less angry, and I haven't even gotten to the breastplate of righteousness. This might be good, as in my mind I see this as a bra and this is a rated G kind of blog. Still, there is much to be considered in all of this battle gear. I think for now I am stuck in the realization that I have a responsibility to understand it is a fight, and I can be equipped for it, if I choose to be. I do not think I chose to be today. I trust tomorrow I will choose more wisely.
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