Ever have this kind of week?


I have so much sympathy for those who one day just kind of melt down in the middle of where ever they may be, and end up having a huge hissy fit. One of those yelling, screaming, crying, throwing things hissy fits. The kind you are so embarrassed about later but in the moment you feel absolutely justified in having. I always want to say to them, I so understand! Trust me I do! If you could skip the embarrassing part I would have one all the time.

I have had a week of issues and problems and challenges. I no sooner jump one hurdle and someone slides another one in front of me. I work through one frustration and just beyond is another one carrying a sign that says, You ain't seen nothing yet. I am not terribly frightened by challenges, I just feel the need to be able to breathe from time to time. So demanding, I know.

I have noticed that while I haven't given into many hissy fits recently, there are times I have serious difficulty filtering my responses to others. I find myself saying much more of what I think than I intend. I like to call that leaking. When your thoughts are leaking out of your mouth. I don't really notice all the leaking I am doing until someone looks at me strangely and I am forced to respond, I am sorry, did I say that out loud? I think lots of things conspire to lower my filters and have me developing verbalitis. I think frustration, weariness, unresolved issues start wearing me down and everything begins to develop an edge. Humor that isn't quite funny and witty critiques that come out sounding grumpy and destructive. Now I have compounded my issues by adding remorse and guilt over the way I interacted with others. It makes for a messy week and I feel like screaming a little too.

I am thinking that Murphy's Law might be re-written to: Anything that shouldn't be said, will be said, and later regretted. Let's call it Engle's Law. I want royalties.

I feel confident this is what James was talking about when he wrote everyone should be quick to listen and slow to speak and slow to become angry. Also the tongue is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person. That daggone tongue is destructive and keeping it muzzled is a job. Nice to know the problem is universal. If you have to be miserable it's good to have some company.

New prayer is that God might help me learn to hold my tongue when it is trying desperately to start a fire. Hey wait, I just remembered that song....it only takes a spark to get a fire going. And soon all those around can warm up to it's glowing. That's how it is with God's love, once you experience it. You share His love with everyone. You want to pass it on. Wonder if James thought of that?! Someone pass me a smore. I think I see a blaze beginning.

Snow Showers

It snowed on me on the way home tonight. It has been snowing off and on all afternoon, pretty snow, but not really sticking snow. I do not love the cold but oh how I love the snow. Snow globe snow is my favorite, big fluffy flakes that fall lazily down. I like it when it snows at night best, when the moon bounces off the snow and the night is so bright it is almost like day again. It's a wonderful magical time and it takes me back in my mind to my childhood. I have the sweetest memories of walking at night, dragging my sled behind me in the moonlight. The big pine trees around the house hanging heavy with mounds of deep white snow, listening to the silence except for the noise I was making. It was just like a hallmark greeting card or a Christmas special and I have often daydreamed about the magical quality of that night.

I also remember snow interrupting the plans I had on a number of occasions. I had been a part of a leadership team as a senior in charge of organizing a weekend retreat. I got the flu but I was determined to go. I was running a fever but I kept getting up and pretending I was well so my mom would let me go. We got so much snow that weekend and the temperatures were so low that the weekend had to be cancelled. My mother was a little too caustic when she said I could haul my sick body back to bed as the party was officially over. I can remember laying in bed in the sickness of the moment wondering if God had snowed us in so I wouldn't miss the weekend. I think I thought the world really did revolve around me in those days. I still wish it did but know better these days.

I remember kids and snow with great fondness. Once when we lived in Norfolk, I got up at 6:00 in the morning to go out with the kids and play in the snow. I got up so early to go play because I was afraid if we waited the snow would melt. Norfolk was not famed for it's snow fall so I thought we needed to play while we could. That day the snow continued all morning and into the afternoon and we ended up with nearly a foot. My yard was littered with snowmen, snowballs, snow angels, and millions of footprints. I thought we were having a once in a lifetime event. The following Friday we had the same thing!

I remember being in college, waking up on an April morning to see the ground was once again covered in white stuff. I couldn't believe we were having white stuff again. I was so upset I nearly cried. It had snowed so often that year that it had lost its romance and I was living in expectant hope every day that spring was just around the corner. When I woke up to more snow I was defeated and discouraged. This leads to me to the story of looking out the exact same window in college to discover that someone had moved a fellow's students belongings outside and placed them on the lawn just outside my window, neatly arranged as if it were a external room. And there sitting at his displaced desk was a fellow student, happily reading the newspaper at his desk. (This has nothing to do with snow but the two thoughts are so connected I had to share.)

It's good to have a trigger to revisit past history. I can see in the same event the various responses, so much a part of who I was at that point. The snow was always snow, it was me who's perspective changed. I think this is a tool I can learn to use more effectively in my never ending quest to navigate the seas of insanity with a small portion of my brain intact. Recognizing that how I respond to an event is not the event, its me that changes, ought to buy me enough space to view with a little more impartiality my reaction. I am not so convinced that I will always respond appropriately, but I am convinced that when I don't I ought to be able to see why.

I am off to the window, I have some serious snow searching to do!

The Aha Moment

I saw a bunch of boys yesterday run with great determination to take a round orange ball and put it in a basket. They were all sizes and shapes. They had various skills and none were stand outs. Those who were taller had a huge advantage and the shorter guys had to hope for speed and lucky shots. Some of the shots were amazing, some were comical, a couple that should have gone in but didn't were painful. The boys ran hard and for the most part completely enjoyed themselves. A couple terse words when a pass was missed, a shot didn't make it, a man open stayed open. The next play the action went on the frustrations forgotten, the boys happy again. Oh that life was like that.

One young man who at nine looks much more like a line backer than a basketball player had some frustrations. He tried to get the ball to people who didn't catch it. He was guarded by some big guys he could not shoot around. He was fast and a fair ball handler but the opposing side was faster and took the ball from him more often than not. He kept right on going but was sometimes hard pressed not to sit down in protest. He was trying very hard and I was impressed with his perseverance. Somewhere close to the end of the game he got the ball, drove through the other players and shot a beautiful basket. He turned to look at whoever he had with him as it to say, finally. I know that feeling!

I watched him a lot. He was on the other team but somehow he attracted my attention, perhaps because he wanted to do well, was fighting to do well, and wasn't doing well. I can tell you that after it all came together, when everything finally fell into place, no one appreciated it more for him, outside of his parents, than me. I have no crystal ball and I don't know whether he grows into a basketball player or not, but I don't think the lessons he is learning will be lost. He knows what he wants, he knows sometimes you don't get it but you never will if you quit. He will go on going after what he wants. I hope he chooses well, I suspect he ends up with what he wants.

I think I end up with what I want too. I have the drive and the passion and the tenacity to hang in there. Now I need to be sure what I want has eternal significance and is worth having in the end. It's all about God and building the kingdom in the end...

Finally, the Weekend

Well, it's the wrong kind of weekend. I am at home, but I am supposed to be in Kansas City. I am taking care of loose ends and working on a church wide event for Sunday, but I am supposed to be in class. I am eating dinner with family and watching a movie but I am supposed to be in class and eating with colleagues. While the weekend looks to be nice, it's the wrong kind of weekend.

What makes it the wrong kind of weekend is that my plans are being adapted. This is not my favorite activity. I like my life to follow the course I have pre-selected and move in the manner that seems wisest to me. To not follow through and complete my course work as I am expected to do is just about on the same scale as stealing or lying or turning in someone else's paper. I am unhappy about this and I have watched the clock periodically today saying to myself, now we would be in class, now I would have a break. Wonder if they will break for dinner or shorten dinner so they can finish a little sooner. There is a Borders there that I love to visit when I am in town. I am grieving it's loss though I have more books than I can read and several perfectly wonderful bookstores here. Wonder if Darrell will work in the name of his theological seminary early into the discussion or wait to the end of the day. I hope Elgin misses me and Carly. Would be sad if the other out of towners failed to notice my absence. I am annoyed.

Yet if you paid attention in the first paragraph, I told you I have a perfectly lovely weekend ahead. I have dinner and a movie with family tonight. I get to see Sam the man play basketball on Saturday. I will have hours I didn't anticipate having to get ready for a church wide dinner on Sunday and the work week so I don't have to start Monday in the hole as I usually do. Why on earth would one be annoyed with this plan. It is remarkably foolish and I am speaking to myself sternly.

The fact is, it isn't what I am having that annoys me, it is what I am missing. And not only what I am missing but why I am missing it. The weather made travel unwise so I had to change my plans. This plan change is not the end of the world, it is not even the end of a moment, career or relationship, but it is a very good example of who is really in charge on my coming and going. I have bent the knee to the change but I have kept the attitude. This is also foolish.

I could have forced my will. I think God would have let me do that. I don't know if He would have blessed the effort or if I would have ended up in a ditch or worse, but He did not hold me against my will at home. He made it perfectly clear it was unwise, through the news media, through the roadway people, through friends along the way who know what is going on in their end of the world and through the wise counsel of friends. Yet, the choice to listen remained with me. I choose to listen. Why would I rob myself of the victory there by maintaining an attitude that robs me of joy. Too foolish for words.

So I am putting down the 'bucket' and laying aside my frustration. I am intentionally choosing to let go of the annoyance so I am embrace the joy and I am going to celebrate the plan that wasn't my plan but is a better plan. I am trusting that my friends will take copious notes and share with me their insights and that God will bless those so I receive the information I need to benefit from the class. God is sufficient, I am arrogant and foolish. This can be remedied and I think I know the prescription.

It's back to the drawing board for me. But maybe not quite as far back as I used to go. It's going to be a great weekend.

The Committee that doesn't meet

A few weeks ago in Sunday School, we were discussing leadership development and I mentioned we didn’t need to put people on committees that never met. Immediately one of the funny guys in class said, “I would love to be on a committee that never meets!” The point of the discussion was that we should use these opportunities to allow people with gifts to do the work of ministry and be trained up in leadership rather than have the committee chairs do all the work. However, the more I have thought about it, the more convinced I was that he was on to something beautiful.

Immediately following class he stopped to tell me he didn’t need any help in organizing his non-meeting committee he would get it off the ground himself. True to his word he posted an email that the committee that doesn’t meet was not holding a meeting last week and would not hold one next week either. Several people from the class have requested being placed on this committee, but apparently willingness to participate is a bad sign so they were turned down. It has become a thing; everyone wants to be not recommended to this committee so they can be on the committee and not meet. It’s all quite Dr. Seussish and fun, but you do get the point right? How many committees have I served on that would have accomplished the same amount if not more had we never met. At least this committee has caused countless chuckles over the last couple of weeks.

I have just finished a three year commitment on a district wide committee that served no purpose and, to the best of my knowledge, accomplished nothing. I have four times a year sat for several hours while people listened to the sound of their own voices, made announcements and, if they are like me at all, played tic tac toe against themselves waiting to have spent enough time in purgatory to get into heaven immediately. What a good thing if this committee had the vision to see its purpose would have been better served never to have met at all. An opportunity lost.

I think it’s time to sit down with a list of committees and document the fruit produced. If we have been meeting as a committee for a year with no fruit, it’s time to seriously consider making this a committee that no longer meets. Let’s invest our energies in places where we can see that good stuff is resulting from our time and energies and let go of the stuff that isn’t. Yes, I know, all of life isn’t about producing something and sometimes we are nurturing relationships and the results take awhile and all that good stuff. But somewhere people, if we aren’t getting a thing out of it, that committee is just filling space. Let it move to its natural state and become what it was intended to be, a committee that doesn’t meet.

And then, let’s form a hall of fame for the committees who don’t meet with pride. I think we will be much better off and perhaps actually have time to read a book, take a hike, sleep and maybe do something of value for the kingdom. Radical thinking for a mainline girl, but I think it might happen.

Reflect upon your blessings, of which every man has many - not onyour past misfortunes, of which all men have some.
Charles Dickens

It has been a sunshine day, literally and figuratively. After a long week of miserable weather, the sunshine was a welcome relief and I could feel my body thawing a little. There is something about the way the sun feels that just makes me happy. I can feel it bubbling up almost. Even in the worst dog days of summer when I can watch the sun dance across the lake, I am a happy camper. Today was no exception. Even with the crud residue, which has left me with a voice that sounds raspy and the mostly delightful cough that follows every giggle, the sun made me happy.

The day was peopled with happy people too. Lots of new faces participating in programming, a clean house and a good weekend ahead of me, most of my conversations were fun and my issues were minor. It was just a golden day and I think it was appreciated because the last couple had been more dark grey in nature. Sometimes you don’t appreciate the color contrast if you don’t get deep shades of both.

I am reflecting on my blessings. They are many and I don’t ever forget how much I have been given, but I am at times guilty of wishing for more. I had a gentleman at the end of a conference ask me if I was satisfied with the number of folks who turned out and I said, were there empty seats? Then I am not satisfied! It’s not that I am not grateful for those who are there; I would just always like more. I know that this is not necessarily a bad thing. I think I am, in part at least, as I was intended to be and that drive and passion for moving higher and better are spiritual gifts. I also know there is a corruption of that gift that can easily make it out of control and a huge stumbling block. So, I try to give thanks for it and ask God to direct it carefully and specifically.

A blessing is the brief return of the middle child from his exile in North Carolina.
How funny that the time has arrived when the kids come to visit. It is a strange mixture of satisfaction in achieving one’s goal as a parent, raising a child to independence, and a sad longing for the little dependent fellows they once were. I am enjoying the adults some of my children are becoming, and find the new relationship is sometimes awkward and hard to negotiate. Respecting their rights as adults and remembering the natural instincts to nurture and guide and protect sometimes make the communication challenging. Those sentences that start with the urgency to communicate instruction that must be stopped mid word when it is remembered that one is no longer in the advisory mode make one sound illiterate.

Another blessing is the gift of time with friends the last couple of weeks. I think the barrenness of last year in terms of fellowship and community has been made the return of it this year especially delightful. I feel like a real person again (wonder if I thought I was a pretend one before). Good to have lunch with friends, good to be in a bible study again and hear insights and encouragements from fellow travelers who are going the same way. It is very good to laugh about the same thing at the same time, and breathe in the joy that comes from having a shared moment.

The real blessing is that as I think about misfortunes, past and present, I realize that while they certainly leave a mark behind that reminds me of the experience, I have many more marks made by a particular blessing in my life. Those who have loved me through the years have certainly left a deep impression in my heart and mind that those who have not cannot quite reach. And all of the negative experiences have been and are being redeemed day by day. God produces fruit in the places we often think are barren. This is yet another blessing to add to my list.

The Crud

Ugh. I have the crud. I do not know what the crud is officially called. I do not care. I am ill and I am very put out about it. I am never ill. I have little patience with illness and I am a bad patient. I think no illness should last longer than a day and once I have given it a day, I expect it to be gone. How very irritating when it chooses not to go.

What is worse, if there is anything worse, is that everyone has the crud, has had the crud or will have the crud and they are not sympathetic. They say things like, ‘oh well, you don’t know what sick is until you throw up for hours on end’. They are right if it that is required, I am not at all interested in considering myself sick. There are also the folks who have what you have only for a longer time, with serious side effects, like their limbs detaching or their head exploding. It is really not worth attempting to get sympathy under these conditions. I do think the requirement to run around yelling ‘unclean, unclean’ is a bit much though. After all if what I have is no big deal, why treat me like a leper and force that anti-bacterial stuff on me continually?

This week our youth, who were going to our local assisted living facility, were cancelled because there is too much illness going around. I certainly understood the concern for the seniors living there and there is lots of illness, but these were teenagers who were willing to go sit with seniors. I guess it would have lost it’s charm if both sides had to wear masks.

We have had lots of lousy cold weather which ought to kill off all these germs. Why do we all seem to succumb to the crud? Last winter I skated, this winter not so much. I hope that means I get next winter off again. Every other year would be better than every year, though not at all as good as always getting a miss. Where do you go to get that deal?

So why have germs to begin with? God in His infinite wisdom could have designed us to be resistant to all these viruses and bacteria that cause us so many problems. Why limit it to saving us from those though, why do we have cancer in all its various manifestations or diabetes or tb or whatever. I heard at the gym that whooping cough is making a return. Why on earth would we want all that stuff, and why would God choose it for us?

You know the answer, as well as I do. God didn’t choose it for us, we chose it for ourselves. As we have been born into broken families and live broken lives, disease seems to be a natural by product. And our bodies like all of nature groan for a restoration to wholeness that is promised. I think one of the wonderful gifts in eternity will not only be the presence of God but also the wholeness of our completed selves. No more germs, no more disease, no more death and no more dying. What a party that will be, what a shame we have to wait. I guess we will certainly enjoy it all the more when it comes. At least this is what I have been told.

I am going to take some more medication and lay down and pray that with the morning comes my return to healthy. I shall dream of the time when I will never succumb again and how wonderful to be whole and complete. Paul says to know as we are fully known. That will be a party. In them meantime, can you please hand me a Kleenex and quit taking all the cough drops?

Many Happy Returns of the Day

Today was my birthday. Actually it was the anniversary of my birth since I am not longer counting years. When we passed the fingers and toes, I lost count anyway. And really what is the point in that? As a lady from my church said, in reference to her 90th birthday, 90 is nothing these days! By the way, this sweet lady drives herself to church several days a week and does pretty much what she pleases in between. She is well dressed and has the coolest shoes I have ever seen. This is how I wish to be 90.

But I digress. Today was my birthday and while this is truly only fascinating to me, the generosity of my friends and family was astonishing. I mean really, you would think I was someone. I got a birthday breakfast, a birthday lunch, cards, letters, email, people called and sang to me (and none of them appeared to be drunk). It was incredible! Me. I am of no fame or fortune, the only things I have done of merit are usually the mistakes I make that others learn from (value is value even if it is negative). The only things I have said that are quoted come in the same category and usually are repeated at inappropriate times. Why would all of those kind people want to make my day special? This is one of those questions that probably have no answer like which came first, the chicken or the egg, but it's fun to ponder. I can tell you that whatever the reason they made me queen for the day. Even with a lousy cold, the day was golden.

This brings me to less than golden part. I am so lousy at this. I never remember anyone's birthday, I really have to make myself remember the kids (almost blew that this year). I buy cards I never send, I am always going to call someone but I never do. What is my deal? Why on earth wouldn't I want to be better at this? I have a friend who is the best card sender ever. Really. If they had such a statue it would be erected in her honor. She has sent me cards for every occasion and always makes me feel like a million bucks. Yet, in all the years of our friendship, I think I have sent her two. She better save them. They might be worth something one day when they publish the book of my life called Lessons Learned the biography of a knucklehead.

I am not even going to pretend I will do better, though there is no excuse to be this lazy. I am going to soak up this wonderful feeling of being loved and remembered and I am going to ask that God make that a trigger to help me be more proactive about passing the blessing along. I may even pick up the phone and sing to someone. Bet I get arrested for making obscene phone calls, but then, it's another chapter for the book.

I certainly had many happy returns of the day. Maybe I can pass that along. Happy birthday Abe Lincoln!

The Mute Button

I have a great idea. I always say this when I have an idea I want support for. I find it saves time if you tell people what they think. After all so few do. Reminds me of a funny piece I read about confessions of a reformed thinker. It was quite a funny piece, talking about being fired for being a thinker or divorced for being a thinker but then, once I started thinking about it, I thought, you know this is not funny.

But I digress. Have you ever considered just how handy a mute button would be? You could have it installed so it was somewhere handy and in case of need you could reach up and push. Then when you say all the things you are thinking that you shouldn't, you could turn off the volume. I need this. Or, if you were about to say something you shouldn't, a good friend could turn you off, and do you a favor, save you from that nasty taste of shoe leather. I think I need this too. There would have to be some kind of shield you could put over it to keep the kids from turning you off when you were on a rant. And there would have to be some horrible penalty if a spouse or buddy were to mute you at an inappropriate moment. Very, very horrid because I know several people who would be willing to pay just a regular horrible penalty to mute me.

Think of how this would benefit all man kind. When one of us has forgotten how to stop, one little push and problem solved. When we are about to ask the very large NOT pregnant lady when her baby is due, one little push and no fortune in flowers is required. When you are about to disclose a secret of epic proportions (which is never me because a. I can remember nothing I am told and b. who would be silly enough to tell me such a secret) or say that very witty comment that is perfect but you will definitely regret, one little push and only the lip readers would be wiser. We could refuse to let teenagers have volume at all until they reach 21 or financial independence, which ever comes last. In fact, we could probably get a remote that can mute entire buildings at the same time. You tell me this would not be a blessing a couple of times a week. A brief moment of complete and total silence would be incredible. How much would this cost to develop? Quick someone write a check, this is going to make a million.

My mother used to say I could not stand the sound of silence. The television was on or the radio was on or music playing all the time. Perhaps one day you reach the total absorption of sound your body can handle and it craves the silence and stillness. Or maybe it is a part of the mothers curse that comes later...just wait, one day you will want silence and you wont be able to get it!
It's wise to be suspicious, I have seen the results of the mothers curse (I hope you have a child just like you) and it's not pretty.

For the time being, I suggest we all practice pretending there is a mute button. When we have said something we shouldn't, we can look around and say "where is that sound coming from?” And when someone else is talking but they shouldn't be (don't pretend you don't know what I mean) we can all look at them with a funny expression and say, 'your lips are moving but the sound isn't coming out'. If they become agitated we can say " do you have one of those new mute buttons? I wish I did "

A Holy Cow! Moment

Yes, I had a HOLY COW! moment today. It wasn't one of those moments where you are amazed at how profoundly good everything came together either. It was a moment where I said, you mean I am all screwed up?! I will admit to feeling some genuine surprise and this shocks me a little. After all, I am the one who wishes to form a ministry dedicated to helping people understand that we are all fallen, broken individuals and call it Knucklehead Ministries. I am the one who often sits and chuckles over the latest thing I have misunderstood, put my foot in my mouth over or just plain messed up. And those are the ones I got wrong that I think are funny.

So imagine my shock when today listening to a seminar by John Townsend and Henry Cloud, authors of the Boundaries series, when they described a behavior that was unhealthy and I recognized myself. I will admit that up to that point, most of the day in fact, when they described behavior that wasn't healthy I recognized some of my friends, co-workers, church members. Some of them were sitting in the room and I wanted to say, "hey, do you get they are talking about you?". But then they described folks who are goal oriented (surely this is a good quality) with perfectionist tendencies (hey, I said I was a knucklehead. I just want to be a very good knucklehead. Okay, the best knucklehead ever) who need to be in control all the time (oh yeah, like this is a big surprise) as co-dependent. Co-dependent. This is a bad definition my friends. On what am I co-depending? I don't know, but I intend to discover and stop.

I might have been an emotional mess had I not run into a very dear friend who looked at me in horror and said, "they said everyone has issues. Do you think I have issues?" God bless that woman. I hope she is right now basking in the glow of knowing she made my day. I told her she didn't have to acknowledge any issues if I could deny the co-dependency thing. Only down side to that was John Townsend said if you fell into the no issue category he wanted you to stand so everyone could see an example of denial. You know my answer to that? I know it's denial. I wish to remain here. In fact, if one does NOT deny denial does that negate the whole thing?
Bet he didn't think of that, did he?

I learned so much today that is useful. I learned that it is okay to fail, to grieve, to acknowledge losing something. All of those things allow us to let go of something so we are ready to receive something else. I also learned that there is an art to receiving that I am very poor at practicing. This is an injustice to me and to others. And I learned that like it or not, and I don't, I am not going to get it right every time, maybe even some of the time. Starting over again isn't fun but it's the best option and knowing that God's grace meets us at each start is a gift and a promise. As for the other co-dependent stuff, I guess the first step to fixing something is acknowledging it is broken. Look out world, I have a note pad with instruction and I am not afraid to use it.

And to my friend wondering about the issues: honey, of course you have issues. They just look good on you.