Tonight I am pondering priorities and wondering how one chooses which things will take precedence over a world of options. I love to feel special, loved, cherished; I wonder how often I extend these precious gifts to others. I love to write, recording random rabbits that hop through my thoughts. I am disturbed at how seldom I do any writing. I love to read, to enter into imagination and solve mysteries and fall in love and make new friends in the adventures of life. I am surprised at how little fluff I am reading these days - it's all reading for class and teaching. I love the stuff I love! But somehow, even though I know I love the stuff I love, I do not do the stuff I love as much as I once did. Why on earth is that?
It is not that the stuff I love is bad. I will admit there are things that I love which belong on the bad list, but not even half of it would fall under a questionable column. It is not that I am much too important, and much too busy, and much too elite to be above my favorite things. It is not that there aren't opportunities, or all the words have dried up, or the books have all been read. It’s not that I no longer value them as important; after all, in the scheme of things, who doesn't want to be lost in a sea of words the lure you away to the place of adventure, and love, and fantasy, and issues that are not yours to solve. Sounds a little like heaven, doesn't it?
So why am I not doing those things I love so much? Perhaps because the people who want me to do productive work carry more authority in my mind. Keeping them happy, and thinking warm fuzzy thoughts about me is so much more important than me having warm fuzzy thoughts. Or worse, maybe I like the warm, fuzzy feeling from others thinking warm and fuzzy thoughts. As Charlie Brown would say, "Good Grief"! This is so far from any kind of reality, how on earth could this be a reason for giving up doing some of things that I love? Everyone knows that you cannot keep the world around you warm and fuzzy. The same people who yelled "Hosanna, Hosanna" on Sunday were back on Friday yelling "Crucify, Crucify". If you find that hard to believe, just look around you. Have you noticed how the same boss that loves you today can fire you tomorrow? The people who are you friends, and think you are amazing; who one week later think you are hard to get along with? Without sounding whiny, the reality is, it is foolish to spend my valuable time that could be spent in Wonderland working two more hours to make someone happy, who I can't really make happy after all.
Maybe that isn't the only reason. Perhaps I do not do the things I love so much because I lose perspective. I don't realize in my business how many opportunities to love someone else slip through my fingers. As I run onto the next item on the list I don't notice that Sally is having a bad day, Howard’s son is doing poorly in school, and Linda is still sick and lonely. It is only when I stop and think 'hey, no one has loved me today' do I realize how many days it has been since I have loved someone else. Yet, when someone asks me what is new, I find it hard to answer the question. If I am so busy, so productive, so important, shouldn't I have something to account for my time?
A third possibility might be that I do not always like the things I discover when I stop to enjoy the silence, read a book, write a thought, love someone else. It's then that I wonder about growing older, life getting away from me, unpleasant memories from the past. It's the place when I meet the me that is real and alive and not always the person I can imagine myself being. Yes, it's the place of the fluffy comforters and soft pajamas, but it is also the place of fear, of regrets, of disappointment that the fairy tale doesn't always come true. Business keeps all of those thoughts at bay; non-structured time encourages them on. Maybe there is some intentionality to running with all my strength to avoid whatever it is that I seem to need to avoid. If there is truth in that, that is even more sad and ridiculous. Isn't the reality the reality, whatever I might do to avoid it?
The list goes on and the time spent wonder why I am not playing, keeps me from playing. So I am going to sleep with the stronger conviction that tomorrow needs some play time, as does the day after that. I am going to choose to make those things that I love a real part of my life. I bet I make some people mad. Lord, help me to realize I would have made them mad anyway! I am going to keep my focus on the 'main thing' and trust God will flag me down when I have gotten to looking at the storm too much. I am aware that there may be some nasty little demons, who will visit my silence and stillness, and I will be putting my trust in Jesus who said, in this world we would have some nastiness, great news though: he beats the world every time. I think he can give me some victories too.
Good night moon, good night stars, good night dear ones. This is peace.
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