Emotional Upheaval

Perhaps it is from my family tree I learned the deeply suspicious response to intense emotion.  Honestly, I am pretty comfortable with deep hilarity and ecstatic joy.  It is deep sorrow and grief I find,well, offensive.  I have had the hardest time using the word offensive.  Typing this brings 'shouldn'ts and ought nots' to the front lines in my mind and the great squashing has commensed.  The nice spiritual sideof me is yelling that I could not really be offended by sorrow, after all, we know that grief and sorrow are God given too.  But the heart, the heart is reminding me about how often I say to myself and others 'Don't feel bad!  It's going to be okay." "This too shall pass".  What to do, what to do, what to do.

Sadness is vulnerability to me.  Strong people do not admit to sorrow, after all the enemy might use this to gain advantage.  Over what, I am forced to ask?  Is it a question of faith?  If I loved God, as I profess, would I not feel sadness?  Good grief, how ridiculous is this?  Is it the avoidance of all pain that is just sensible after all, that makes me revolt at grief?  Is it the tears that embarrass me?  Is it the lack of control?  Is it the conflict of my personality and the reality I keep having to incorporate? 

I am truly Tigger by nature, I am bouncy and bubbly and think every day is the great new adventure.  Pain seems to stick its ugly head into my joy and I am confused about how to remain me in the midst of hurt.  It is me, you know, that bounces.  I do not choose to bounce, I try to choose not to bounce at times, as I know that Tigger is exhausting to live with.  I heard of someone else this week that they were always welcomed when they came, always welcomed when they left.  I know that this must be true of me, for I found myself exhausting at times.  Yet, when I am less conscious of others and the need to find a place for them within, I am a bouncy girl.  How do I make sorrow that is also real and genuine a part of my bounce?

Today I grieve deeply.  The tears fall without any conscious thought and I can feel the depth of loss that has no bottom as far as I can see.  I wish to sit with this genuinely, for as long as necessary, but my feet are already finding the need to look for the doorway that leads to the party.  Is the pain a blessing?  Is pain beautiful in its own way?  Is there more to this than I can absorb because I am too busy pushing away and justifying and rationalizing.   Is there something in pain that leads to joy beyond happiness?

Many questions today.  It is deeply uncomfortable.  Even so, come Holy Spirit.