Farther in Farther Up

I am revisiting CS Lewis in Narnia again.  Yes, again.  I have been here before, it seems to be a circular journey as Christmas and Easter often are.  Every so often they are back and each time they are the same and entirely different.  Every Christmas that has ever come has left images and memories, but each is still uniquely new and stands apart.  It is not the stuff or the circumstance exactly, though of course stuff and circumstance contribute.  It is the me who shows up each year, exactly the same as last year and entirely different.  Somehow the same things mean more or less, I appreciate more or less, I need more or less.  I  hear things differently, sometimes grieving that they do not sound the same way, sometimes celebrating that they don't. 

I started reading The Last Battle three months ago and I finished listening to it on my ipod yesterday.   I am glad I heard it, though I must say that the gentleman who was reading it made the experience slightly more challenging as I found myself over and over missing the point of what he was reading because I felt the need to critique his delivery and pronunciation.  (Yes, truly some things never do change.)  There I was back at the stable again, listening to the profound theology of CS Lewis and trying it on with new eyes.  Is the Kingdom of God truly like an onion, with layers and layers, only the layer within begin much bigger than the layer without?  Do our fears and prejudices blind us to the color and texture and smells and tastes of the delightful kingdom around us?  Am I joyfully living the great adventure that Aslan has prepared for me?  How do I reconcile the battle, and the pain, and the fear, and the darkness with the doorway that leads to light, and life,and joy, and delight?  Am I clinging so hard to the half gods, the half world, the half truths that I cannot step through to the genuine thing?  When do I miss that defeat is the first step to victory?

My first journey to Lewis' stable was as a young mother with two small boys.  There the images of the dwarfs gathered in a tight circle, blind to the possibilities spoke to me as a mom who was never able to see light.  I felt paralyzed by the clutter and mess, unable to find a way to begin eating the elephant.  Where would you take your first bite?!  As I read I connected and realized that I too was missing out on the beauty and joy, the colors and textures of life as a mom, and a wife, and a friend, because all I could see was laundry, and dishes. and toys. and dust.  So, I kept the dwarfs in my thoughts every day and I was intentional in reminding myself about the miracles that were a day to day occurrence in my life.  There were so many blessings I had missed!  It took practice but in time I no longer had to prompt myself, I was already noticing how wonderful my kids were, how cute my house was, how clever all of my friends were, how faithful my husband was. 

The second time I was deeply embattled with the struggles of life.  It was a 'dark night of the soul' time for me and I wrestled with who God was, what would it mean if He really didn't love me, as I feared.  There was the darkness and despair that spoke volumes, I found it almost too painful to read.  The hopelessness of the end of the world as we know it was too real for me.  Then it was the doorway that captivated me.  I began to look for the doorway that would end this time of blackness, death and destruction and lead me to the place where the colors were vibrant and real.  It was forever in coming, but gradually a doorway appeared and with great fear and trepidation, I allowed the world as I knew it to end and embraced the world within that was love, light, truth.

This time it is the farther up and farther in that calls to me.  I am eager to push on to more, only I do not know what that is, or how to go, or who one travels with.  I am captivated by running and not growing weary and soaring into bright blue skies.  I understand the Lewis was referring to the ultimate homecoming, and yet, there is within me a conviction that in this life there is the ability for the soul to do what the body cannot.  I want to go farther up, farther in.  I can still see the doorway though I know that the other side is gone to me forever.  I would like to live in expectation of meeting Jesus around every corner, of comfort in the garden of the King, of being unable to be afraid again.  Wouldn't the ability to live fearless be amazing?!  Perfect love drives out fear, I know.  I see often how imperfect my love is. 

Farther up, farther in!  Letting go of all that holds us back, we run on to take hold of that which Christ has already taken hold  for us.  Perfect love, where we run and not grow weary, where a table has been prepared for us.  The Kingdom within the kingdom, so much more than we dream.  Farther up, farther in!