Deflation of Ego

I have what I am calling the flu. My head is about to explode, my chest has been filled with concrete and for three days now I have laid in my bed, in my bedroom and I am about to go crazy. I have missed a women's event at my church, the hauling out of Christmas Trees for the decorating party and now worship, Sunday School and a luncheon to celebrate the trees. I am irritated, aggravated, frustrated and put out. I have given my body adequate time to rebound and it lays there like a lump of jello, just gently swaying but not really seeming to be making any kind of effort to get itself together. Don't think I haven't tried to help it. I have poured enough fluids into it to cause it to flush out every cell, every sign of infection, every single invader or any kind. I have taken enough meds to conquer infection of any sort and I have rested until the concept of nap is about ruined for me. I am beyond suffering quietly and into full-out-head-biting-everyone-run-for-cover attitude. While I hate being sick, which I loathe beyond loathing, I am absolutely horrified by not getting my job done. I am torn between thinking this had better be a big deal and it had better be gone by morning. I can't stand the concept of missing more work.

Let me make something perfectly clear. I have been accused of being a workaholic. I think this is untrue, but I do like to work and I do like to do a good job at what I do. I am not upset because I am not at work, though that is a bummer, I am more upset that the work is not getting done. I have had to give my work to coworkers and volunteers to ask them to fill in for me. I had to let a few folks down who were counting on me being with them and I couldn't go. I have had to ask for favors and let my Sunday School class run amok because I couldn't get there to cover my responsibilities. I am dropping not one but many balls and it's making me ill. Oh wait, I already am.

Here is what I think is likely to happen: everything will go on just as scheduled. Yep, I bet the world goes on rotating, I bet people go on worshipping, I bet no one's spiritual life is altered for the worse. The Christmas trees will either go up or not and the luncheon will either happen or it wont. The lady in charge of the women's event will eventually forgive me and the classes who have to do their own tree construction will mutter bitterly under their breath but the trees will go up and they will have a common enemy to unite them. I suspect that the people who have stepped up to cover for me will be blessed by their willingness and God will do wondrous things with this time. So why am I fighting it so much?

Lots of reason, of course. I had a plan and I hate to have my plans messed with. I have a need to be needed. Seems like a bad thing that I can be so easily replaced. I do not want to look bad or that I have failed to do my job. I do not want to be so easily sidelined. I want to be above human failings. I hate when I am not. It is not that I think I am the only one who is able to get the job done, I just hate to leave my jobs to others to do, along with their own. Oh that I could achieve all the things I believe I am capable of!

So mostly I am angry because I am dealing with the gentle or not so gentle reminder that it's not by might but by His Spirit. It's not about me, it's about Him. God is God all the time, not just when I feel good. When people are disappointed in me, let down by my failings or angry with me for my absence, I need to remind myself that my friend Greg would say, what did you expect?! Of course I will be a disappointment and a failure at times, I am a fallen, broken person redeemed and in the process of being made perfect only by God's amazing grace. Let no man be lead astray, the glory is all God's

Now that I have that straight again, do you suppose I could go back to work?