I have a problem. Stuff sticks to me. I don't mean for it to stick to me but doggone it, stick to me it does. I can't seem to move fast enough, be slick enough or bristly enough or even mean enough to keep it from attaching and adhering to my person. It seems to crawl in from every refuge in the planet and find me and latch on and remain with me until it is wrestled to the ground. In fact, like with ants, I believe one piece of stuff went back to the stuff home place and told all the other stuff that the promised land in stuff attachment had been discovered. They are all sending each new generation to find me and weigh me down.
Once it is on me getting it off me takes an act of congress or the intervention of my Eternal Father. I don't know why this occurs with me, I feel confident that I would stop it if I understood the mechanism. An example, I am minding my own business, happy as a clam when person A comes strolling along. I am asked if I am the person to discuss the meaning of life with and I assure them I am definitely NOT this person. I happily make a referral, "You are looking for my pastor, nothing he likes better than to discuss the meaning of life for hours on end." Case closed, right. Wrong. They inquire if said pastor is available, I see the quicksand and I sidestep neatly by saying "no, but I know he would want to handle your concerns himself. Let me write a note to the dear man and he will get back to you at his earliest convenience." They then say how kind this is of me, give me the information I take it immediately to his office and I never sit again while I stand in doorways progressively closer to the outdoors. Come on now people! What more could I do?! There just inches away from freedom they say something like, "you have been so kind to me. Can I tell you about my husband Harold who only has one leg and is allergic to air and can never leave our home because he is scared of the mailbox and hasn't worked since the dawn of time and I am being laid off because I am 107 years old and this is the age when you are forced to retire from the Walmart greeter job. Our oldest daughter is 63 and we don't like her new boyfriend, he plays his polka music loudly and we think he goes to the Dairy Queen far more often than he should. Our granddaughter wants to be a novelist but so far she is just sitting in her room watching television and waiting for inspiration. We could really use a little help in dealing with all this." You can almost hear the paper adhere its self to me. For the next week I will be getting Harold and company referrals and food from the food pantry and social services intervention, attorneys to file disability suits and a cattle prod for the granddaughter. And you know what my pastor will do? He will read the note, say "Do you have this covered?" and toss the note. This is wrong. Know why? I am the sucker here. I am the idiot who isn't smart enough to say.....no. This one is your baby. This is definitely a problem demanding attention.
So, having considered this all very carefully, as well as my inability to leave work undone, even if it is NOT my work, I have decided it is time for serious intervention. I am going to get some of that Teflon spray and coat myself with it. From head to foot, every day until I build up enough of a surface that even if I tried to get stuff to stick to me it would just slide on down. I am not sure how this will react with my skin but I do not care particularly. I am much more concerned about a way out. The bonus in this is that Teflon may be a great preservative. I may stay frozen in time and at least delay the aging process. Heck, I may look so good that I will be dead for years before anyone realizes.
If this doesn't work, there will be nothing left but for me to make the ultimate step. I am somewhat horrified to even write about it, but there will be no alternative. You see that surely. I will have to start walking away and leaving stuff unfinished. I will have to begin to form the "NO" word (I am sorry if I offended anyone. This is a 'PG' column and all. I should have warned you it was coming so you could have closed your eyes there.) when asked about lending a hand, being supportive, in response to any question. I wont say it again so you aren't too shocked but really this is about all that will be left for me.
Where do you buy Teflon by the gallon?
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