How much do I want my way?

We have been discussing God's will in church a little. What is God's will, how does one discern God's will, how does one submit to God's will. What do we do when our will and God's will run smack dab into one another? Just how much do I want what I want? How much would I pay?

I had the uncomfortable experience tonight of being expendable for a point to be made. I did not enjoy that very much as might be imagined. I felt angry and poorly treated and frustrated and I supposed righteously indignant. I was home before I remembered one of our readings from that stations of the cross. It was one that spoke to me as I read it and it applied so well to my reaction tonight. It came from the first reading at the First Station:
"The Father permits many sufferings in my life but it is all for my good. If only I too could be silent in the face of worldly prudence - steadfast in the faith when all seems lost - calm when accused unjustly - ready to do the Father's will no matter how difficult."

I am not a lamb lead silently to slaughter, I am not steadfast in faith and I am hardly calm when accused, justly or otherwise. It is not a lack of belief or trust in God that causes my failings. It's the chin thrusting, oh no you don't, nobody messes with this girl kind of stuff that gets me in trouble. That's my way. Jesus' way is so much higher. His response to Pontius Pilate speaks to me every time I read it. There was no defense or response to the challenges flung at Jesus. Jesus' only response to Pilate is almost one of absolution. He tells Pilate he had no power there anyway unless God had given it to him. Why isn't that my answer when challenged? I will tell you why. It seems weak. It seems ineffective and it seems to have no built in safety. Yet, how much stronger could Jesus have been?

I also and forced to ask myself, have I been willing to sacrifice others so I can have what I want? Would I have been willing to sacrifice the one who was ugly to me in response if I could? I think in all honestly, I would have done so without much remorse. My frustration is, at least in part, with being unable to respond in kind and in receiving treatment I do not deserve. In fact I am guilty of being same kind of person I am so frustrated by. That was a rude awakening.

How much is too much? When do I want my way so much that not only am I unwilling to follow God's leadership, I am suspicious that His will might not safe for me, satisfying to me, enough for me. How do I perceive that when there is still time to act differently? I do not know but I need to.