In Reflection

It adds up, you know. Whatever you do and where ever you spend your time adds up. It begins to naturally overflow into your thought processes, into the opinions you hold, into the way you see. It colors the world around you and it affects your judgement. It matters tremendously and it must be carefully considered. I know that of which I speak. Just the other day I told someone that she should be careful of falling prices. I knew then that I had been in Wal*Mart far too much lately.

I notice that during football season I often ask people 'how you doin' and during soccer season I use expressions like far post and 'there ya go' just as if I knew where they were going and what to do when you got to the far post. It is because I stand on the sidelines with yelling parents and I adopt the lingo. I think I would do just fine in a foreign country. I would never know what I was saying but I could parrot what I heard and before long I would be a native. I don't know what I am saying here most of the time now. This makes no difference because I never listen when I speak.

Why is this important? We wont debate me and importance, I know how that one comes out. For curiosity though ride this one out. I think it has value because if we do become what we are continuously exposed to, it makes sense to expose ourselves to stuff we admire. I have noticed, by way of example, some of my friends buy clothing or shoes simply because they like them. This is astonishing to me. In fact, it's downright vulgar. In my upbringing people who pay retail are living in direct violation with the law in survival of the fittest. One must never want something enough to pay retail. One must make note, and wait with patience for the sale price tag to go up. I will admit I will shop at 20% off sales, and 40% off sales, but my friend Valerie, the purest will never stoop below 50% and really doesn't get excited until 75% or better. Her goal is to get them to pay her to take it home. This is an admirable goal in every way. Yet, there I was in the mall and I bought a shirt that was not on sale. I mean, it was kind of. It was a buy one get on half off only the half off went to my friend who wanted to buy one. Do you hear me? I have paid full retail for a shirt. Yes, and worse, someone told me I looked HOT in it on Sunday. Do you see the erosion???? Before long I will lose my identity and become one of the capitalist has-beens. The landscape is littered with them, you know.

I have also discovered this with sighers. Now, some of you might know that I had a brother who was such a sigher that he taught our dog to sigh. I do understand that this might be a heredity thing, still I cannot be around sighers very long before I find myself sighing. Sighing as I sit, as I stand, as I listen, type, read. I have gone to the rubber band method of negative reinforcement to break myself of this dreadful habit, but I am now finding it's time to snap those who tempt me to join them in this habit. I think you can only launch a rubber band a few times at a sigher before you lose your rubber band privileges. I think I may be getting close to being there.

But wait, I am not done. Nope. I have done the unthinkable. I have become a weather predictor. Yes. I know. I too am horrified. I hope I will be a lesson to those suffering this horrible fate. I have managed to hold the line on the weather channel, but I feel it moving in to take over. I am now checking the weather and commenting on it as fascinating conversation. 'Gee, going to be cold and rainy all day. Wonder what is up with that. Why look here, it's going to rain more at the end of the week. That's just something we didn't need. It has been so wet lately. No doubt we will be wishing for the rain in July and August. Yes, I would rather have it a little chilly than too hot. Yes, you are right. It's NOT the heat, it's the humidity". My friends, there is not doubt this failing has been caused by the repeated requirement thrust upon me by my boss of shutting down church programming because we are under a tornado watch. I wish those doggone weather radios had never been invented. I find myself listening and worse yet, calling others to tell them what I hear. Oh where does the madness end???

If nothing else, learn from my failings. Run, quickly before it is too late. I once heard some seniors talk about what it's like being a senior. One gentleman said that one thing he would say was, choose now what you want to be because when you are older you will be it only more so. This is good advice. I do not want to be a sighing, weather quoting, Wal*mart ad campaign expert, retail paying, soccer mom. It's time....yes, I need to start hanging out with the kind of people in the kind of places doing the kind of things I admire. Wonder what that is?

Redemption

It is Spring for sure! I went to lunch yesterday and as Mr. Sam and I pulled out of the parking lot he said "Mom, the trees are back". And sure enough the Bradford pears are white and magical looking. This inspired me and I got home and looked out and sure enough my bulbs have tons of greenery busting threw the ground and the forsythia looks like it is about to burst open. How perfect for Easter weekend! The long miserable winter is finally releasing it's hold over nature and new life is becoming evident everywhere I look. Hurray! Who knew how badly I needed to see the spring. It's like the gentle breeze that blows over you on really hot days that refreshes you all the way to the core.

Today is Easter and it is such a good day to worship. Everyone is dressed in the bright spring colors and they look a little like Easter eggs sitting across the sanctuary. Here and there are visiting extended families and long lost friends, there is a party feeling in the air. The music is upbeat and joy filled, the ushers look for empty places to put late comers, the kids are wound up like tops. The Lord is risen, He is risen indeed!

I suppose it has to be winter to enjoy spring so much. I guess we need Maundy Thursday and Good Friday to have the radiant joy of Easter Sunday. The redemption is necessary because of the fall, but oh how marvelous it would be to get to live in the redemptive part all the time. To wake up every morning and observe again the wonder of new life, to worship every Sunday with the excitement of being people of the resurrection. To put aside our petty annoyances and personal preferences and to focus on the gift of coming in to the story on Sunday morning instead of Friday night. To be gifted with the knowledge that though we don't know when or how exactly, the story does end happily ever after with an eternity in the presence of God. We are an Easter people!

The temperatures are chilly. The wind has been blowing non stop for several days and the air is definitely crisp. Yesterday at soccer I was bundled up in a winter coat and sitting under a blanket. Still, it is definitely spring and the warmth of new life is not diminished by the temperatures. It's the promise that warms the heart and the promise is enough. Let it ever be so. Christ the Lord is risen! He has risen indeed!!!

Ya don't ask, ya dont get.

I had a moment this week. I will admit I also needed it to be a moment and prayed without ceasing that God would make it a moment. Well, really that He would either make it a moment or give me the grace to deal with it not being a moment. I am well aware that God doesn't take direction from me. I also know that He is kind enough and loving enough and gracious enough to allow me some input.

The day did not start well. I woke up with my head packed solid with something that was soooo heavy that I could not force my eyelids open. I found that sitting up was not really wise and this created a problem because after all it is very difficult to drive to work without sitting up. I have mastered driving with my eyes closed (use the force, Luke) but I have these lovely bucket seats that require you to be in a sitting position.

Overcoming this issue, I made it into work to have the dreaded meeting. I knew the meeting was coming. I had gotten an email that indicated a few minutes of my time was required to take care of an issue. I am wise beyond my years. I am aware a few minutes translates to an hour and issue translates as 'girl, you have screwed up again'. I was not looking forward to this dreaded meeting. So much so that I toyed with the idea that perhaps I should maximize the head and use it as an excuse to avoid the meeting. I had asked several people to pray, I myself was praying and still I expected the meeting to be bad and the conversation bad for my blood pressure.

I must confess that these meetings do not usually psych me out so much. Lately it seems that some of the on going squabbling in the family has gotten beneath the armor and got into my flesh and left a little poison. Not lots of poison but enough to make me feel a little anxious, a little vulnerable, a little overwhelmed. I felt that I was going into battle in a weakened position and my prayer very specifically was that God knew my condition, that He would either give me the strength to respond as I am called or make the response unnecessary. I prayed before the meeting, as the meeting started and as the words were being formed. It started okay, went down hill with great speed and I began to pray with more desperation.

Just when I thought I would make no headway at all the tide turned. All of the sudden the attack stopped and the vulnerability started. I felt the click and the minute I did, I was completely free to respond as a person does who is gently handling a broken bone. I could handle with care and love freely without fear of the teeth marks that might be left behind. God answered the prayers with such abundance that I was filled to overflowing with His love and not only did I survive the dreaded meeting, I began to notice that the effects of the poison were lessening. Today I notice even more recovery and I am blessed again to see the way God rewards faithfulness. Why on earth do I wrestle with being faithful when I see the results?

Boldly experiencing the answers to prayer, I looked out into a congregation during worship and spotted my poisonous biter from earlier. I would like to say I was unaffected but I cannot, I bristled up immediately. I stayed as far away as I could and I tried not to look that way again. But somewhere the conviction began creeping over me. I had to pray for them. I prayed that God would bless them abundantly with every need met to overflowing. I prayed it repeatedly and slowly the anger in me began to dissipate. I am not saying that I have forgotten but I can say that the poison is being cleared from my Spirit and the healing is peaceful.

That I am surprised at the answers to prayer is curious, since it makes one wonder why am I spending time praying when I don't seem to believe I will be heard. That God answers in His own way is the mystery, but it ought to be a given that there will be an answer. This is not because I deserve one, but because God obligates Himself to answer. Isn't God amazing?

So, I am asking, and trusting a little more today. I am specifically asking that I don't have anymore meetings for sometime to come, and that the spirit that causes division would be driven out by the Spirit that brings unity. A muzzle for the biters couldn't hurt either....

Teflon Development

I have a problem. Stuff sticks to me. I don't mean for it to stick to me but doggone it, stick to me it does. I can't seem to move fast enough, be slick enough or bristly enough or even mean enough to keep it from attaching and adhering to my person. It seems to crawl in from every refuge in the planet and find me and latch on and remain with me until it is wrestled to the ground. In fact, like with ants, I believe one piece of stuff went back to the stuff home place and told all the other stuff that the promised land in stuff attachment had been discovered. They are all sending each new generation to find me and weigh me down.

Once it is on me getting it off me takes an act of congress or the intervention of my Eternal Father. I don't know why this occurs with me, I feel confident that I would stop it if I understood the mechanism. An example, I am minding my own business, happy as a clam when person A comes strolling along. I am asked if I am the person to discuss the meaning of life with and I assure them I am definitely NOT this person. I happily make a referral, "You are looking for my pastor, nothing he likes better than to discuss the meaning of life for hours on end." Case closed, right. Wrong. They inquire if said pastor is available, I see the quicksand and I sidestep neatly by saying "no, but I know he would want to handle your concerns himself. Let me write a note to the dear man and he will get back to you at his earliest convenience." They then say how kind this is of me, give me the information I take it immediately to his office and I never sit again while I stand in doorways progressively closer to the outdoors. Come on now people! What more could I do?! There just inches away from freedom they say something like, "you have been so kind to me. Can I tell you about my husband Harold who only has one leg and is allergic to air and can never leave our home because he is scared of the mailbox and hasn't worked since the dawn of time and I am being laid off because I am 107 years old and this is the age when you are forced to retire from the Walmart greeter job. Our oldest daughter is 63 and we don't like her new boyfriend, he plays his polka music loudly and we think he goes to the Dairy Queen far more often than he should. Our granddaughter wants to be a novelist but so far she is just sitting in her room watching television and waiting for inspiration. We could really use a little help in dealing with all this." You can almost hear the paper adhere its self to me. For the next week I will be getting Harold and company referrals and food from the food pantry and social services intervention, attorneys to file disability suits and a cattle prod for the granddaughter. And you know what my pastor will do? He will read the note, say "Do you have this covered?" and toss the note. This is wrong. Know why? I am the sucker here. I am the idiot who isn't smart enough to say.....no. This one is your baby. This is definitely a problem demanding attention.

So, having considered this all very carefully, as well as my inability to leave work undone, even if it is NOT my work, I have decided it is time for serious intervention. I am going to get some of that Teflon spray and coat myself with it. From head to foot, every day until I build up enough of a surface that even if I tried to get stuff to stick to me it would just slide on down. I am not sure how this will react with my skin but I do not care particularly. I am much more concerned about a way out. The bonus in this is that Teflon may be a great preservative. I may stay frozen in time and at least delay the aging process. Heck, I may look so good that I will be dead for years before anyone realizes.

If this doesn't work, there will be nothing left but for me to make the ultimate step. I am somewhat horrified to even write about it, but there will be no alternative. You see that surely. I will have to start walking away and leaving stuff unfinished. I will have to begin to form the "NO" word (I am sorry if I offended anyone. This is a 'PG' column and all. I should have warned you it was coming so you could have closed your eyes there.) when asked about lending a hand, being supportive, in response to any question. I wont say it again so you aren't too shocked but really this is about all that will be left for me.

Where do you buy Teflon by the gallon?

The Radiance Returns

The sun shone on my senior trip. This is above all a blessing because there is nothing worse than a field trip in the rain. Okay, yes there is. The field trips where Little Bunny FooFoo's twin sister Bunny Chatter goes along for the ride. True to form Bunny Chatter was first to hop into place. You must admit this about those bunnies. They are faithful. I have yet to attend a meeting or take a field trip or have a luncheon without one of their notable family members along for the ride. Wish I could remember all of the clan members names. Where is a family tree when you need it?

But I digress. This is all about sun. It is all a happy dance kind of moment when we celebrate the return of the sun and the sun's warmth. It has been gone for a very long time. It has visited of course, it's nice to have a good visit. But as far as warming or refreshing or renewing the blood flow through my body, it's now officially back. It's not that it's all that warm yet, it just feels much more like it means to get warm. I am not all that touchy feely by nature and I usually need more of a commitment than that, but for today I am settling for a perceived intention.

I saw the sun reflecting on the water. It was absolutely marvelous, radiant twinkling sparkling sun, in and on and through the water and I caught my breathe and felt renewed hope. I was standing in the carefully restored living space of the oldest building in our community looking out on the river and I felt like I was in another world. It was nice to feel like you are completely stepping out of the world around you for a bit. The sun was lighting up the water as it has done for countless years and it was nice to think would go on doing so. Our moments are short and the sun will go on. I guess until the day God turns it out, which is after all what He does with us.

Today with feet up on the recliner and the misty kind of feelings you get when you are just allowing your mind to wander. I am remembering the red maple that would begin to look slightly pinkish and then very red and then almost on fire. Or the long row of dogwoods lining both sides of the street when, in full bloom, made you feel that you had entered an enchanted garden. Or the morning I discovered quite at random that a previous homeowner had loved azaleas and my yard was full of a delightful array of reds and purples. The first weeks of warmer weather when your shorts wash side by side with your sweats, your gloves, your fuzzy socks. Now I am thinking of being in school, ripping off our coats and assuring each other how very hot we were only to have a parent, any parent they changed through the years, say 'It's really not that warm. You only think that because it's been so cold." Yes, of course I have said it. What would the point of tradition be if it were not repeated.

Welcome back sun. I was told today that we appreciated it more after it's absence. I am sure there is truth to this. However, it would be nice if it's absence could be briefer. No belly aching today though. It would be rude and ungrateful.

The broken Body

No, not mine, though there are times that it works better than others. In fact, recently it has been working less that sub par for a couple of weeks. I do not know where one goes to complain about such things but if I did I would have gone. I do not like things that are broken. I like them to do what they were meant to do and it frustrates me when anything other than that happens.

But in this particular case I am talking about the Body of Christ. The correlation to my own body and the Body of Christ are accurate though. I expect it to do what it is supposed to do and I am frustrated when it does not. I do not mean perfection. I do get that we are not perfect, none of us, and we will have breakdown moments. Stuff we should have done will go undone and stuff we had no business doing we will do with gusto. I get that. I do not understand though how we can limp so badly in so many ways and still do something effective for the kingdom. This truly must be God, lest anyone boast. If you have ever sat through a committee meeting or tried to accomplish a project, you know this first hand.

I know that there is some maintenance and conditioning required for my body and the Body of Christ. I do know that it takes time to get fit enough for the body and the Body to do what they are supposed to do well. I am confident my time line for this to be accomplished both personally and corporately is unreasonable, I have failed to become famous for my patience. Still it is so frustrating when one wishes to do something and the Body is so fractures it fails. I am feeling that frustration and impatience greatly and it has me going back to re-examine what I think God is calling the Body to do. And more importantly, re-examining what I think I am called to do.

I think this can be a very positive thing even if it has grown from a very negative catalyst but it is still frustrating. I am sure that these moments when rough edges are smoothed, vision is clarified and purpose is defined are a key part in the maintenance and conditioning. I want to have that part. I just hate the process. I would like more than anything to go to bed at night and wake up one step closer to perfection. Why is this not an option? God speaks in dreams, He heals in the dark all the time. Why not make good use of the time?

I am perfectly aware that the Body parts that are malfunctioning are really God's responsibility, but gosh they hurt at times. They make me livid and since throwing them out of the Body is not an option I am left with no choice but allowing God to accomplish His purpose in me and in the offender. I am praying for wisdom in knowing when to speak, when to remain silent and allow God and others to speak. And I am praying for wisdom to know when, as my boss told me this week, the village idiot gets one right and when it's more important to honor someones understanding than it is to correct it. And less spiritually, I am wishing that God would let me smack back just once. I know this isn't the higher road and I want the higher road, but sometimes that low one looks so appealing. You know it does!

All this certainly implies I am the only Body part without defect. This is definitely not the case, but it's my blog. All of those of you who want to complain about me can write your own. Heck, I am not proud, I could list some of my most irritating quirks but then, that would rob you of the joy. I may not be very good but no one can say I am not thoughtful.

How much do I want my way?

We have been discussing God's will in church a little. What is God's will, how does one discern God's will, how does one submit to God's will. What do we do when our will and God's will run smack dab into one another? Just how much do I want what I want? How much would I pay?

I had the uncomfortable experience tonight of being expendable for a point to be made. I did not enjoy that very much as might be imagined. I felt angry and poorly treated and frustrated and I supposed righteously indignant. I was home before I remembered one of our readings from that stations of the cross. It was one that spoke to me as I read it and it applied so well to my reaction tonight. It came from the first reading at the First Station:
"The Father permits many sufferings in my life but it is all for my good. If only I too could be silent in the face of worldly prudence - steadfast in the faith when all seems lost - calm when accused unjustly - ready to do the Father's will no matter how difficult."

I am not a lamb lead silently to slaughter, I am not steadfast in faith and I am hardly calm when accused, justly or otherwise. It is not a lack of belief or trust in God that causes my failings. It's the chin thrusting, oh no you don't, nobody messes with this girl kind of stuff that gets me in trouble. That's my way. Jesus' way is so much higher. His response to Pontius Pilate speaks to me every time I read it. There was no defense or response to the challenges flung at Jesus. Jesus' only response to Pilate is almost one of absolution. He tells Pilate he had no power there anyway unless God had given it to him. Why isn't that my answer when challenged? I will tell you why. It seems weak. It seems ineffective and it seems to have no built in safety. Yet, how much stronger could Jesus have been?

I also and forced to ask myself, have I been willing to sacrifice others so I can have what I want? Would I have been willing to sacrifice the one who was ugly to me in response if I could? I think in all honestly, I would have done so without much remorse. My frustration is, at least in part, with being unable to respond in kind and in receiving treatment I do not deserve. In fact I am guilty of being same kind of person I am so frustrated by. That was a rude awakening.

How much is too much? When do I want my way so much that not only am I unwilling to follow God's leadership, I am suspicious that His will might not safe for me, satisfying to me, enough for me. How do I perceive that when there is still time to act differently? I do not know but I need to.

Cause to Pause

Well, Sam is an Upward kind of kid. He has been playing Upward basketball since it started and this fall played Upward football. All of our experiences have been very positive. All of the coaches have gone out of their way to be positive and encouraging. This basketball season has been very good. The coach is a chatty guy, but he doing a wonderful job with the kids. He has taught them the value in helping one another out, making sure everyone gets a chance to handle the ball and rewarding them for working hard. Sam is one of the little guys and he has benefited greatly as a member of this team.

One of the upward things is it's very recreational and very low key. The score is not kept and the kids are rewarded for being team players. The emphasis is on learning skills and developing strong leadership. They make free popcorn for the kids and the coaches are trained to share the Gospel in kid friendly ways. So what is wrong with Upwards. I will tell you, they allow a bunch of lousy human beings to participate. It always messes everything up.

Today at the game one of the God-fearing among us got worked up with one of the referees. He must have been relatively vocal in his displeasure because it resulted in his exit from the building, the game being stopped, the clock being stopped, a cheer interrupted and the entire crowd silenced for prayer. I don't know what happened there, and I don't really need or want to, just made me stop a little to think that one through. On both ends, stimulus and reaction. What on earth happened to make someone mad enough to complain about a recreational basketball game? And why did going to prayer feel a whole lot like I was being punished today? Is this the way we want people to view prayer, let me fix your attitude?

The attitude thing is bugging me. I know that my attitude is often repaired in prayer and sometimes I pray just so God can do that. So why would I be unhappy some one wanted to use prayer time as instruction, exhortation, even admonishing? I am not sure I know, but I think in part it has something to do with who is driving that car. When I want to have my attitude adjusted that is one thing, when you do that is something else entirely. I didn't even know I had an attitude, in fact I am sure I didn't until someone started praying about it and then, boy oh boy, did I have an attitude.

On the flip side, it is clear someone got worked up and took it out on the referee or someone else that shared it with the referee. I do not know how one is to respond to that. I know that ignoring it can work but only some times. Folks who are worked up hardly ever keep that state to themselves. It's not wise allowing them to infect everyone around them or to abuse those around them. Still wonder if a complete stop is the answer. Maybe it was, just not quite settled about it in my mind.

The ideal answer is to quit letting fallen, broken, messed up people play but then, who would be left. We might give out duct tape and make everyone tape their lips together but I think we would find away around that too. I would suggest praying about their attitude but that always gives me an attitude. Maybe we ought to practice seeing people as God sees them, made perfect in Jesus. Getting that 20/20 spiritual vision takes having some lens correction done, but it is very liberating to see what it is that God sees.

At least I hope it is. Wouldn't be a bummer if we got our vision fixed only to discovered that we could see way too clearly now! God is God and we are not. Thanks be to God.