Merry Christmas

I went to worship last night at 11:00 pm. It was cold and the sky was very clear. On the way in I was sleepy and feeling like I had too many things that remained undone at home to be at church, but it is my job after all. I was a little ahead of time which allowed me to visit with folks who were also running a little early. I saw visiting friends who hadn't been around in awhile. I was pleased to see the numbers grow which was great since it was the first year we had a late service and the earlier service was well attended. We had some sound issues and I mentally noted the problems and frustrations and began thinking through ways to address them. I noticed that during the prayer that having your eyes closed that long at that hour was not wise. I noticed in the middle of the message when David stopped being theological and became personal the congregation connected and became a part of the message. At the altar rail for communion, my neighbor was a friend's husband who is from another denomination and never takes communion with his family. I was blessed to see him there and pleased he chose to join his family at the altar. At the conclusion of worship I chatted with my mission team partner about our trip tomorrow and helped lock up the building. I went to my office to put a few things away and make sure I had checks written and work covered until I am back in January. I walked out thinking I hoped the folks at home had taken care of some of the work waiting as it was late and I was tired. A fellow staff member mentioned the lights needing to stay on later, that if the moon hadn't been so bright it would have been very dark in the parking lot. And that made me look up.

I looked up into the vast expanse of sky and saw the stars twinkling like diamonds. The constellations were vivid against the blackness and I could see them in almost a three dimensional way. For a moment the thankfulness that filled my heart drove out every other thought and I stood in awe of the vastness of the universe and the greatness of God. God, so much bigger than any mind can absorb or imagine, took it upon Himself to become like us for the purpose of providing a bridge to bring His people home. A bridge that God wanted for us even more than we know we want or even need. How incredibly awesome God is, and how many countless hours have I spent in working out the details of stuff that seems to matter so much but in reality is insignificant in the big picture. Oh, that I might have a moonlit moment stored in the forefront of my mind to help me keep centered. May we all.

Merry Christmas.

A Gift That Fits

My friend Valerie came to see me today. She brought much needed clothing for the littlest Engle who is determined to grow through all the clothing he has. And she bought me a book. A book itself is enough for me, as I love to read but this book is special. It is a book by one of my favorite writers named James Behrens. He is a monk who lives at the Monastery of the Holy Spirit in Conyers, GA. He writes simply but so profoundly that in his daily reflections I find not only comfort but thoughts that park themselves in the back of my mind and revisit me often throughout the day. It is filled with pictures that have already spoken to my heart as I have flipped through the pages. It is a delightful book and I am very thankful.

More than the book though is that thought that went into the gift. I do not mean that my friend has laid in bed many a sleepless night pondering what she could possibly get for me at Christmas that would touch my heart. I am completely confident that this exercise has never entered her mind and I would have to recommend a psychological referral should such an event take place. But what I do mean is that she remembered that this is an author I love and when she saw the book, she bought it and she put it away until the appropriate season. That touches my heart. It reminds me that we cannot know how the ripples we make in the pool effect others but when we are kind and loving and thoughtful and considerate, others are effected.

I will admit I am often more in the 'getting it finished' mode than I am in the 'making gentle ripples' mode. I will also have to confess that while having things finished affirms me in delightful ways, having someone love me and make an effort to communicate that is life affirming, value affirming, worth affirming. At the journey's end, wont those things matter more?

I am rethinking this gift giving. I have always wanted to give gifts that make people happy. I also know that at times I am standing in the store with a huge list of names, a pen in hand. As I find a gift that would be appropriate or acceptable for one of those people a huge check mark is applied. I am remembering them, but I am not sure I am remembering them well. I would like to leave a Godlike fingerprint on the hearts of those I am blessed to love even as I cherish those I have received.

The gift of a heart-thought is priceless. (For everthing else there is MasterCard)

Christmas Lights.

I have been driving home somewhat annoyed about the Christmas lights. Not because they aren't beautiful, not because they don't put me in the Christmas spirit, not because they remind me of the Christmas' past when the kids were small and delighted by all they saw. No, they are annoying me because mine are not up.

I do not have Christmas lights because of a series of illnesses and chance distractions followed by football games and better offers and it is all very hard to bear with patience. In fact I am becoming a bear as I wait. It is very wrong that I am still waiting for my lights when my neighbors who NEVER put up Christmas lights put some on their back deck where I could see them to encourage me. This is even more wrong.

So why don't I just go out there and put up my Christmas lights? Well, you know, this is a good question and of course it's not like I am not capable. Okay, capable is a stretch. I do know how to plug the lights in and I am able to both carry and use a ladder, but I cannot do some of the wild displays that my kids in particular are so fond of, and I grow tired quickly of the work required to make the front of my house look like a winter wonderland. In fact, I am not only not capable, I am not really interested either. I don't want to put them up, I just want them to be up.

This is very much the way it is in many facets of life. I want it to be good, I just don't want to make it good. I am not afraid to work hard, I just don't see the point in some areas. Like housework, I can't get the warm fuzzies about housework. I like the house to be clean, in fact I am not happy when it is UNclean but cleaning it doesn't do a lot for me. Organizing it, yes, cleaning it, no. I don't mind telling you why either: do you know that the very minute you finish dusting it is already gathering and a family member is lying in wait dirty clothes in hand, or a dish or something, you know they are. And when you finish a room and turn out the light with a feeling of great satisfaction, you can't get all the way down the hall before the light is back on and a drawer is being opened, dirt is being drug in, hair is being dropped. I tell you, it's a never ending job and has a very brief shelf life. Why on earth would I want to do that?

I am a little like that when it comes to loving God's people. I know He loves all of them, and I want to have love for them too, I just don't want to work at loving them. They are so hard sometimes for me to like. They are opinionated and grumpy, they want a lot and give a little, they are seldom satisfied and always have a reason to need one more thing. I understand that I am probably not one iota different from this but I don't have to tolerate me. In fact, I am often quite annoyed with myself and if I could avoid me, I would. I want to behave better, I just don't it to take a lot of my time or require a lot of self discipline.

So perhaps like with my lights, unless I am content to wait for someone else to get it done, I had better find a way. If a clean house is important, I had better find a way to clean it and keep it that way and if my Father wants me to love His people and obey His word I had better find some way to do so. With enough money I can hire some delightful person to both put up the lights and clean my house, but I suspect the rest is all me. Hmmmm. This could work into a great prayer request. God, if you will just give me the money to get some of this stuff done, look at all the time I would have to dedicate to spiritual development. Eh, it was worth a shot.

Foot Soldiers

The church being an army of God is no longer an image that carries much meaning for us. We are all touchy feely these days, much more "make love not war" than "I'm in the Lord's Army, Yes Sir". I understand the thought process and I don't disagree with the theology but I think we have lost a strong visual picture. I see my faith and journey Home very much like the pictures of all the old war movies. Lots of slogging through difficult ground in all kinds of weather, stopping along the way for a skirmish or two. Making good friends for life, and losing some along the way. Moments of sheer and utter panic and fear, boredom and frustration, companionship and fun, loneliness and isolation. That's sums up my faith walk very neatly.

I know the objections. What about having an enemy, we aren't suppose to shoot our enemies as Christians! Aren't we suppose to love them? Yes, of course we are if we are talking about people, but the enemy I battle with daily is not flesh and blood. And I am determined to win. I am determined to win and move on to battle again until one day the battle is over, the enemy defeated and the rest is eternal.

I also think that making it all about love is great, because it is about love, God's love. But I think we have such a warped idea of what love is that we try to turn God and the journey back home into something it never was nor ever could be. It is not all sweetness and light and warm and fuzzy. Telling folks it is just sets them up for failure and confusion when the road to Oz turns into a roller coaster ride or an extended trip through the dark. Telling them they are a foot soldier makes more sense to me.

I guess it's in part because we don't believe in evil as a society any more. We are pretty silly not to do so, because evil certainly believes in us. And the lion who is roaring around looking for prey to devour hunts easier if no one knows he is there. I do not wish to be accused of thinking demons are hiding in the bushes waiting to pounce upon us, but there is definitely evil in the world and it is an enemy capable of inflicting damange and should be treated as such.

So popular or not, I am holding onto my image of being in the Lord's army. I know the final battle is won, the skirmishes are just part of the final victory and I intend to be at the party. Trading in the camouflage and army boots for a ball gown and slippers sounds just heavenly to me.

The Hard Places

Today is a hard place day. In fact, this has been a hard place week and I am confident I am being called to a time of being set apart. I am finding very little comfort in all the places that usually are a source of rest and relief. I am a little disappointed in the faithlessness and brokenness within my heart and the heart of those around me. I am searching for the glory but I am running day after day into the gloom. What is going on?

I always suspect God is the culprit. That for some reason He is forcing me into quiet centering time by all this frustration. But I am beginning to believe that all this frustration might be at least in part because I haven't had the quiet centering time. I think the circumstances would be the same, my reaction would be different. That's what being centered in God's love does best for us. Can we live at peace even while our surrounding circumstances are not peaceful? Of course we can. That's what Jesus meant when He said the Kingdom of God is within. What happens externally doesn't have to drive what is happening internally, unless we choose to let it, and the hard place only is a hard place for us if we cannot keep it outside. When I am centered I find that not as difficult as when I am not.

I also see others as the culprits. I understand that I am often a disappointment to others and I am always a disappointment to myself. Recently I find some of the folks in my life somewhat difficult for me to embrace because I find their actions so disappointing. I do not mean to sit in judgement of anyone. Still, I will confess I have been frustrated by some of the folks who have meaning to me. I am more than aware that others should never have so much control over me that they impact my mood and my focus and my faith but I find at times that they do. I find myself feeling that I want no friends and at other times that I have no friends. And worse, I allow that to move me from center again and instead of directing my attention where it belongs I begin to obsess over these frustrations and feelings. This is a very hard place to find comfort. I am quite confident actually it is supposed to be.

I see myself as the culprit. I am forgetful. I am just like the nation of Israel wandering around the wilderness. I keep forgetting that God has miraculously provided water at every step of the journey. I forget that God is God no matter what I am feeling or thinking on any given day. His nature is His nature all the time and it does not change because I have. His love for me is so secure that He disciplines consistently, always to accomplish the good work He began at my birth. I find myself in a hard place and I resist it with all my being. God allows me to find hard places and seeks to make them useful in forming me in His image. I need to find myself, at all times, safe in my Father's arms. Not denying the hurt or the pain or the confusion or frustration, but seeing those vehicles as part of the journey my Father is using to bring me home.

It is my prayer today that this hard place is accomplishing it's purpose and that we are moving forward to a place with a little more cushioning. Just a little.

Unexpected Delight

I went shopping yesterday. It was a poor day to choose to shop. It was pouring down rain and cold. It was a Friday and lots of people chose that day to shop. It was the day before a huge production at church so my phone buzzed continuously all day long with one thing or another. In fact it should have been a loser of a day. Only, it wasn't.

At my first stop I found some of the things I was looking for on sale. This is always a good thing to have happen right out of the box. One of the workers at this particular store is slightly disabled and has taken a shine to me. He always comes up and hugs me every time he sees me. This can be a problem because if he sees me on the same day in the store more than once he wants to hug me again. But yesterday he was content to tell me I am beautiful, hug me once and let me shop. The store was busy but everyone was pleasant and some were quite cordial. One lady tried to run me over with her cart, but was both properly remorseful and amused at the situation as I was. We had a good giggle together.

Leave stop one several hours later and move on to stop two. Two of the fellow shoppers from stop one are present in store two and that cracks me up. I begin to feel we are hunting in packs. I run into a mom and several small children. They are in the Christmas prepacked gift aisle and they are trying to find a gift for the right price. They cannot agree how to spend their money and the mom is so sweet and so patient and listens to each child without getting antsy and I am in awe. She is a beautiful lady, her children are darling and watching them shop has been a delight. She turns to me and flashes one of those bright white grins. It was so much fun I think I could just follow them around for awhile. I meandered quite a bit, I had child care covered so I was a free agent and I acted like one! I watched people, I compared colors and sizes and prices. I tried to picture the nature and character of each person who might wear or use whatever it was I was buying. It was very restful and relaxing.

Leaving for stop three was a dark, cold, wet experience. The parking lots was very full, the puddles were standing everywhere, I was starting to feel tired and a little cranky. I thought this is where this trip goes south. But I got into the store and the store was bright, the decorations were delightful and right off the bat I found the very thing I wanted. I watched with a great deal of amusement as a red headed toddler sat in the front of the cart and made brrrrring sounds to entertain himself. His mom noticed from time to time too and she got such a look of contentment and joy on her face it was inspirational. Oh that we would all know that kind of love. I struggled to find exactly the right things that matched, but not because of lack of selection but the number needed. It was fun to wander and decide what would be best. The check out line was a little long but several more were opened and it went quickly. It was still cold, still wet, still dark but I was no longer cranky.

I am just about finished with Christmas shopping. I am ready to mail off packages to family far away. I am ready to wrap and sort and cook and organize and clean and all the other things one must do for the holidays. I guess cards MUST go out and I will make the attempt to see that happens this week. I am also going to remember the delightful family shopping, the darling little redhead and the fun it is to think of those you love and find things you think will be the perfect gift. Jesus really is the reason for the season, and you can find Him everywhere you look, if you will look expectantly. This is my Christmas wish for each of you.

New Hope

Worship this Sunday featured 16 of the youth of our church performing a very cool hand in glove/black light interpretive 'dance' to Who am I by Casting Crowns. It came from a video someone saw on youtube that they studied and studied it until they could diagram out the song and get all the hands to line up together. They formed pictures, words, beautiful images that complimented the music. It was a goosebumps moment and I was so moved by the music and so proud of the youth I thought my heart would burst.

Then I was part of a team that took them shopping to buy Christmas for 15 children. They held a spaghetti luncheon, raised money and then spent it to fill a need. They were excellent shoppers, and quite amusing. Many of them are young men and they stood in the toddler department holding up clothing asking each other if they thought this was appropriate for a little girl age three. They were told exactly how much money they could spend per child and all of them whipped out their cell phones to use the calculators to keep a running balance, and did a remarkable job. There were certainly some funny moments when several of young men tried to buy tee shirts with suggestive statements but all in all, they were spot on and very serious about their job. The only bad moment came when they were forced to wait in an enclosed space and they just couldn't keep from touching each other. You know this always leads to a wrestling match. Punches are thrown, someone turns red in the face. It's a given, one must avoid the touching thing if at all possible.

I realized I have been here long enough that some of these young people were just beyond toddler hood when I met them. I have had the opportunity to watch this group of scraggly youth grow and in them I see new hope for the future. They are certainly rough around the edges and there is lots of room for improvement. There is also, at least in a few, the promise of maturity, of responsibility, of the early stages of some serious faith taking root. How cool is that?! What a gift to see God nurture relationships with others.

When I close my eyes and think hard I am back to being a youth myself. I think of the adults who impacted my life, some intentionally, some not. My youth leaders, adults who volunteered, those who chaperoned on countless retreats. I wonder if they got to see the fruit of my relationship deepen and if it was a blessing to them, as these kids are being to me. Did they see the seeds of maturity, or did they never get to see beyond the head shaking, 'I sure hope that girl doesn't go to jail' part. I hope a few of them did. It's a great feeling.

I pray that God will remind me of these kids and the awesome worship this week on those days when I am frustrated at the mess we are in as a church. It gets to me from time to time and I mustn't let it. I must choose to believe that the God who is working in the lives of our youth is also working in the midst of even the worst of our messes. I must remember that all of creation is waiting in eager anticipation for redemption with the full confidence and expectation of God doing just exactly what He said He would do.

There is every reason to be hopeful this advent season.