I am a very bad note writer. I do not know why this is true of me, but it is. I don't know if I am short a gene, if I have some mental block, if I am just too darn shallow to be able to consider others, I do not know. I only know that I am very bad at it. If I have written you a note, sent you a card, remembered an event, you should absolutely save this. It is a collectors item and will be worth huge sums of money, if anyone will ever be brought to see the the value, as it is a limited edition.
I really cannot see how anyone would be encouraged by my notes. I think of someone I love, knowing how much they are grieving the passing of their spouse and how lonely it must be, and I just can't see how the little note I write will make a difference. I think it is an imposition to thrust myself into someone else's private life and think I have a word to inspire hope or companionship or whatever. I will send goofy notes if I happen upon one and remember to actually send it, once I bring it home. It is all so much for me. I promise I have tried. I took this project on for Lent on year. I would send one card a day to someone who needed it. I made it the first four days. I have done the card organizer, they look good I just don't use them. I have even written thank you notes, sealed them up and put the person's name on the envelope and because I didn't have the address they never got mailed. I know this because I was cleaning out a book bag from Wesley and there they were, from last January. If only those people would buy me the same gift I could send them this year. What is wrong with me?!
I have a friend who is a note writing expert. She is always the person who sends you a little love and tells you she is thinking of you. She is always the first one who will send me some encouragement, a sweet card, a goofy card, a loving reminder that I am not alone, or what I did was noticed or my place in God's kingdom has been affirmed by one other person anyway. She never forgets a birthday, she never forgets a major event, she is organized and thoughtful. I have tried to be like her. I have saved all the cards she has ever sent and I know this is a wonderful gift. She thinks it is a very simple thing to do and anyone can do it. Maybe anyone can, but I cannot. I have this big black hole of card writing that keeps me from being better at it.
Last night at the Secret Angel Dinner, the lady I was a secret angel for mentioned that there were times when her feelings were hurt because I hadn't written in a couple of months. She is a precious lady and I was so sorry to have hurt her feelings, and I said so immediately. I told her how bad I am at this and it was not a reflection on her at all but my ineptness. She was quick to say she felt that she had put me in an awkward place because she said she wanted to participate too late and I had to adopt her myself. Oh man, that was even worse. I assured that was not the case, that I just am so very bad at this. I am lower than lower, the very lowest of all. How horrible it is when one's weaknesses cause pain in others.
After one of those long evenings when her sweet little face just haunted the life out of me, I tossed and turned all night with thoughts of every person I know who needed a card and hasn't gotten one. I am ready for God to redeem this place in me. I know that I wont be different because I try harder, been there, done that and I have several tee shirts. I need God to help fill the black hole of whatever the disconnect is in there that makes me be so bad at it, and heal me up. As this is exactly what God does over and over and over again, I am at peace that He will do it here. This gives me hope, this morning I need some.
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