Making Merry

I am working on updating my outlook to include all the exciting adventures that will occupy my time this December. I have discovered I have very few weeks without a party, no weekends without back to back events. I am a party animal, I tell you.

I have also discovered that my friends are all party animals. I have friends hosting parties at their homes, attending parties at others, swapping recipes for parties, finding funny gifts, serious gifts, white elephant gifts to exchange at parties. We are all sad we can't actually see each other unless we both are attending the same parties, but party season is party season.

Then if that wasn't enough fun, there is the additional church activities. Those are the ones where we do Christmas plays, choir cantatas, concerts, worship events, holiday field trips, special fundraising for Christmas missions. There are youth programs, children's programs, special dinners. We are partying at the church day in and day out.

When I am not partying, I am expected to continue to work, projects have not stopped, bills still need paid, meetings need to happen, planning has to occur. I am supposed to keep doing laundry, make dinner (aka as warming up, driving thru, calling in), decorate and clean my house, play with my son. This is hard to do and work in all the parties.

So I have decided it would be much better if I just stopped all of my other responsibilities and partied this month. Next month I will resume responsibilities. I think this is a reasonable solution to the scheduling problems and think it's only fair that you all grant me a months grace. In fact, lets all take a month off. Let's just party for December and come January we will be super responsible again as a group.

I see some difficulties. The only way this can work is if everyone agrees NOT to get sick, have car accidents, break laws, have power outages, need food or eat out. We have to agree not to shop, buy gas or need repair work done. This also means no babies arriving, no air travel, no attending movies. This would require that we stockpile in November and adjust natural laws so we can put a hold on illness and weather and human error.

Just in case that doesn't work out I may need to reconsider what can go from the December party calendar. I am thinking hard about establishing some pecking order for events and parties and using some criteria to help decide what stays and what goes. Criteria like: is this fun, am I having a good time, do I like the people here, how is the food, what is the dress code, do I have to bring something I have to make. I know this may not be a good list and I may have to alter it a little. I might have to include things like: does this nourish my soul, does it nurture my family, does it deepen my relationship with God.

I still think the food should be good.

Bathrobe Christmas

I am in the midst of a hauling out the holly and putting up the tree and remembering every Christmas that has ever gone before. It's funny how setting the scene brings you back so many years, through so many celebrations, always stopping at all of my favorite memories. The Christmas I got the doll that could walk and talk. It was not a comfortable doll, hard plastic and funky hair but I thought she was fabulous. The Christmas that I opened all my gifts, always such a bummer when you got to this stage, only to discover I had another gift I had been leaning against and didn't realize. It was a sled and I was a very happy camper.


I think about the year my oldest had his first Christmas. Unfortunately, he had fallen from a step and hit his head and in everyone of his pictures he has this huge black and blue mark on his head. I remember picking the child up and going up the steps to the apartment and looking at his head when I reached the top of the steps and he had a huge lump. I said the same thing every single medical person said when they say it. 'Oh my!'. I remember the second born's first Christmas where he had a cold and ear infection and the reddest eyes you have ever seen. Just ruined all of the pictures!

I remember the Christmas we were snowed in. That maybe my all time favorite Christmas. I was recovering for a nasty bout with the flu and the snow kept me in and gave me a lot of recovery time. The family sat in front of a fireplace and watched movies and drank hot tea and hot chocolate. The snow was so deep we were snowed in for days and getting out was not an option. So all the outside activities were cancelled and no one could get to us, so we just stopped and enjoyed.

Then there was the Christmas when on the way home from church our windshield wipers quit functioning in a major storm. We often went to see lights on the way home from family worship but not that night. It was all we could do to see to get home. Or the Christmas when I was expecting my first born in January and went to stay at my parents home on Christmas Eve because it was so cold we were sure the car would never start.

There was also the Christmas when we bought all the toys and put them in the attic and promptly forgot them and panicked on Christmas Eve. Ran out to buy stuff and the kids got so much that they asked for a break in the middle of opening presents.

There has almost always been church on Christmas Eve. In my high school years I sang in the choir and we would have early worship then a party at the organist's home and then 11 o'clock candlelight service. I loved this way of celebrating. So much so that we will pick up the tradition this year and invite folks over for a party in between worship services. When the kids were very little there was no worshipping at 11, they were in bed and I was still wrapping gifts. Still we almost always worshipped together earlier in the evening on Christmas Eve, as a part of our tradition. I remember a Christmas Eve worship when the boys were small and Dad was at sea for Desert Storm. We went to Pittsburgh to celebrate with my family. We worshipped on Christmas Eve at the same church I grew up in, where I sang in the choir. The children's sermon was excellent and they did something during it with warm water and capsules that grew into animals. My kids loved the animals! I did too.

I am looking forward to Christmas again. May this years memories be sweet and the blessings God recalls for us remind us just exactly how great God is.

The Great Unknowing

It is a point of interest to me that there are things that we know and there are things that we don't. Then, for no reason I can understand, we discover at random a thing previous unknown, or at least unknown to us. For example, I know an individual who has a very difficult time with anger. They are somewhat infamous for their angry and emotional outbursts yet even though I knew them and worked with them for several years, I did not know this about them. I did not know nor did anyone enlighten me. Only one day I walked into a a full blown episode. I thought about it and similar situations since then. Why did I know the part of their nature and character that I did, and not know the other side. And then why in that moment did it become necessary for me to know the rest of the story.

Why it is that we are clueless about some stuff that seems really obvious? Is it that we are really that blind or is there a reason for us to remain in the dark about somethings for a season or two. I wonder what it is I would have NOT done if I had the whole picture. However, how many problems did I land in because I didn't know better, as well? I don't suppose it matters as I could do little about either, since I am limited to reacting to what I know. Still, it does make me wonder. Are our minds limited because we are fallen broken people or are our minds expanding as we have the ability and maturity to process additional information? Does God in his infinite wisdom hide from us the things we do not know until the time is right?

When I have just discovered some new truth that everyone else already seems to know I am always left to wonder, what else do they know? And do they know because my attempts to cover and divert attention are poor, or because I cannot see myself with the same clarity. You know the next obvious step. If others can do that with me, does it follow that the things I see in others that they never seem to address could be because they can't see as I do? And if this is true, extending grace seems much more urgent and necessary than I had previously considered. You know, it just could be that the reason others don't accept that they are knuckleheads is that they haven't seen it yet.

Then if any of the above has any basis in truth, does it follow that God still sees me as perfect in Jesus while I am still discovering how imperfect I am? When Jesus said, 'it is finished' did He mean the part that I know or all that there is? I think my answer is God knows all and has already redeemed all. So, my knowledge is pretty trivial. It might even but superfluous. The bottom line might be, we know what we know, we don't know what we don't know and absolutely neither has much effect on our relationship with God unless we chose otherwise.

You know what this means, don't you? I have either been incredibly profound or lost in nonsense and probably neither matters.

Dark Silence

In the cold and rainy darkness of the evening, my heart cried out for light and warmth and finds neither. In the warm, dry comfort of my home, it fails to satisfy the loneliness. Though I believe, I cannot reach God. I seem to step out in faith to reach nothingness. Where has He gone and why has He left me in this place?

'I will never leave you or forsake you' seems to bump up against, 'My God why have you forsaken me' tonight. Saint John of the Cross wrote about the 'dark night of the soul'. The psalmist wrote often about those moments when God seems so far away and so slow in response. Isaiah and Micah talk about God hiding his face. It's a normal natural event in the life of a believer. It's also sad and uncomfortable and lonely. My heart cries out for God and is impatient until my God responds.

Why does God do this? Why does God create a hunger for Himself in our hearts, a desire for His company and a craving for the deeper things of faith and then withdraw or at least become silent and still. It's not the peaceful companionable silence of friends who are just content to be. It's the dark uncomfortable silence that follows an awkward statement, an argument, the moment when small talk is over but no common topic seems to present itself. It's unsettling.

I know sometimes God does it because we are out of fellowship with Him and He loves us too much to pretend we are not. I think He sometimes does this when He is ready for us to move to new locations and we are very comfortable with the location we are in. I have experienced this type of dark silence as I stopped being who I was and waited to see who I would be. I do not know what this is, I just don't like it very much.

Here is my source of comfort tonight: I know with all my being that even though I cannot feel Him, He is very present. I have developed enough confidence in His Word that when He tells me there is no place I can go and be out of His vision, that this is true. And while this is sad and lonely, I am not grieving as though there was no hope. Who knows that in the next few moments He will reach out and touch me and fill my heart with such peace that the loneliness is a distance memory. But if He does not, I am content in knowing that when He has accomplished His purposes the dark silence will be lifted and the communion of the Spirit will be restored.

It is not always comfortable. It is not always as I would wish it to be. I am confident that God remains trustworthy and true to His word. And so I wait believing He will do all He has said He would do. It is dark and silent, but it is not the end, it's part of a new beginning in the journey home. It's a long way to go, but the destination is worth the stops along the way.

Still, the silence is dark tonight.

Black Friday

It's almost time, I am so excited. I love to shop on Black Friday. I do. I just get all worked up thinking about it. I like getting up early, getting in the spirit and finding bargains. I love running into my friends in similar pursuits and feeling like we are ruler of the retail world. It's just a tremendous rush of adrenaline and makes me feel like life is very good.

I have lots of friends and acquaintances who think I am nuts. They see the pushing, grabbing, long lines. limited parking spaces, large attitudes, small patience moments and find nothing at all adrenaline creating in that. They see it as joy robbing and so frustrating that they can't for the life of them see what it is I get out of all that. I do see the frustrations of course, but somehow I also see the excitement and kind of joy filled energy and it is enough to offset the rest.

There has been much discussion about commercialism of Christmas and how we need to simplify. I agree very much in spirit, but part of the fun for me on Black Friday is not the buying but the shopping, the setting, the search and the discovery of the perfect gift for whoever. It's not because I think we all need more stuff, I think it's because when you find something that someone needs or wants or will make them happy, it's an act of love. Nothing makes me feel more like a hero than finding the perfect gift for someone, watching them open it and get that look of delight. That makes the giving satisfying to me in every sense.

All this gift exchanging is supposed to be a reaction to being so lovingly gifted by God in the giving of Jesus. I know there is no gift I can give that will have this kind of impact, but I sure would love to give with the same kind of heart my Father gives. I enjoy shopping best when I take this thought with me as I look.

So off to the stores I go, fliers in hand. There is a lot of the Christmas Spirit out there, go look for it, or take it with you and leave it behind for others. We have been given a lot, we can afford to be generous in return. Just don't take my parking space or buy the last of whatever it is I might want. There will be no tolerance for the crabby shopper. And yes, God bless us, everyone.

Happy Thanksgiving

My son, the one with grammar skills, thought we should celebrate Thanksgiving by making a turducken. Since I had no idea what this could possibly be, I said I probably wasn't making a turducken. After being informed what a turducken was, I was able with a clear conscious to confirm I wasn't making a turducken (a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken). My reasoning: it sounded gross, because the chicken would have to be very small, and finally because he doesn't even like poultry much. But the most important reason: it's not part of our tradition!

We are funny about tradition, aren't we? We should have traditions, they are essential to creating family unity and heritage. If we always do something that makes us uniquely Smiths or Browns that's a good healthy thing. But sometimes when the tradition becomes the priority instead of the family we discover we are in a "mell of a hess" as my grandmother used to write in her letters. We start goofy things like cutting the end off the roast just because our grandmother did. Or making food no one likes because once upon a time in the family line someone loved lima beans. After all, who wants to be known as the family that always has lima beans for holiday meals.

Our family has been small in Kentucky. We have had no extended family here so each year we have adopted others in similar straights. We have had an interesting array of people through the years, always interesting and always good for family chuckles later. One year it was the lady who couldn't figure out how it was all of us sat down to Thanksgiving dinner without our shoes on. From that year on, we had a family member on 'Helen detail' to yell "shoes" when she pulled into the driveway. Each of us grieved when she died as that tradition was no longer necessary. Not only had she made us a unit, she added personality to the meal. Some dear friends have celebrated the holidays with us, adding both love and lots of laughter to meals. The 'turkey pop' was born on one of those evening, an explanation is no doubt unnecessary.

I suppose as our family grows it will be less necessary to adopt others but I hope this is a tradition we keep. It is a good thing to open our doors and welcome the family we are united with by geography, by interest, by church, by love. I would like our family to be family who practiced hospitality well. I would also like it to the be place where the food is as good as the company, but since I think one shouldn't expect too many miracles, we will stick with good company.


A very Happy Thanksgiving to all. Perhaps you might start a new tradition this year. Perhaps you might like consider which of your traditions you would like to be synonymous with your name. And if you don't have one, perhaps this is the time to begin. I wouldn't recommend the turducken, but perhaps I am missing the boat on that one. Whatever it may be, I pray that God might reach each of us and bless each one and make each of us a blessing to one another.

Time Out

I wish to know what is the appropriate discipline for adults who are behaving badly?
I know I just confessed that on occasion I behave badly but let's forget me for the moment. I want to know what we are allowed to do with people who do not seem to feel any remorse for behaving badly and instead seem to puff their chests out with pride and go on behaving badly. I know there has to be something we can do. Time out doesn't really seem all the effective. I have searched the Scriptures with great determination and while I certainly found some comfort, I didn't really get a definitive answer.

On the one hand I discovered if someone is sinning in our midst (and annoying me must clearly be sinful) we are allowed to go to them and tell them to stop. We are allowed to go back with others to tell them to stop and if none of that works, we are allowed, says Paul, to put them out of the church and let Satan deal with them. This is pleasing to me today. On the other hand, I am also told to turn the other cheek, forgive not seven times but seven times seventy. I am also told to judge not lest I be judged, reminded the the measure I use for others will be applied to me and that I am being forgiven as I forgive. This isn't such a good deal, I think. I turn to the Old Testament and find lots of serious rule maintenance, which seems to work in my favor and then lots of reminders that vengeance and punishment belong to God, which is hard to argue but takes biding my time.

I have done some thinking and pondering and balancing it all out and you know where it seems to bring me? Right back to the same place I always get to, suck it up and go on. This is a frustration and sometimes the thought of sucking it up and moving on is so aggravating I think I will sit down and go on a spiritual strike. I will not move from this spot until there is some vengeance happening here! You know what always seems to get me going again? My Eternal Father, who is so gracious and loving to me, gently reminds me that while I am filled with righteous indignation, there are many, many folks who are just as annoyed that he has chosen to extend me grace instead of vengeance. This is a good thing to remember. Somehow when given that input, my perspective changes.

So just in case you might be sitting close to me, on strike and full of wrath that we are left with sucking it up and moving on, why don't you lean over and look me in the eyes and say, "You know, it's a glorious thing how much God loves us". I will try real hard to say back, "Yes, it is and it sure makes the rest of it seem unimportant." I bet it wont take too long before we mean it.

Practice Makes Perfect

I had a bad day this week. The details are completely unimportant but think hormones, stress, lack of sleep and close encounters with crabby people. Hard to have a great day with all those irritations present. Too hard apparently for me because I didn't have one. I had one of those days where I didn't have a good time and didn't act like I was having a good time. You know what I mean? I not only didn't act like I was having a good time, I acted like I was having a bad time. I was awful. Ever been awful? Trust me, it makes you work overtime trying to find someone, anyone to blame for your behaviour. Wish I could think of someone who could be responsible. So far, zippo.

Same week, new day and I have a great day. I don't mean a good day or a nice day, I am talking slam dunk, home run, you name it, it's golden. I got two major projects completed. I got some answers to prayer and it appears that the vision and direction we have been praying for is taking shape. I am awed and amazed that God could love me enough to shine this much glorious light into my life and I am pleased as punch to be alive and in ministry. I sang all the way home in the car, each song better than the one before. My friends are fabulous, I am loved and cared for, I am filled with so much joy that I cannot calm down enough to sleep.

Same person, split personality? I don't think so. Although once when working an Emmaus weekend one of the ladies said, "this is so much work it's going to take all my alter egos". I have learned enough to know that while outside influences certainly effect our mood, our days, and even our attitudes, we are the ultimate holders of the peace. We can decide to let stuff bug us and we can choose to continue to be at peace, remain joyful. I know this is true, I have observed it and once or twice even practiced it. So, that being the case, why on earth don't I choose it all the time????

I somehow believe I am entitled to have a bad day and behave like an idiot from time to time. I think I collect and store hostility so that at the appointed time, on the appointed day I can let it all go, behave like a ninny and then feel remorse afterwards. Wonder why I think this is a good idea. I have sometimes felt a great sense of relief from saying things in anger things that I live to deeply regret. Wouldn't it make my life a lot easier to choose not to say them?

My mom and dad were smokers. They smoked all of my growing up years and despite many lectures and impassioned speeches from their children, my parents never quit until my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and had a very short time left to live. After my dad's death I remember my mom talking about feeling like she deserved a cigarette. That seemed so ridiculous to me. She needed the very thing that lead to my dad's death. She managed to hold on and she is completing her 9th year smoke free. I guess the point is, she felt like she was entitled to continue a bad and dangerous habit because it was a stress reliever, and she rode through the thought and is now still free of the addiction. Do you know how much easier it would have been to stay where she was? She would no doubt be smoking today, there would always be a reason for her to continue. Before I get nasty comments, I am not anti smokers. I just think that finding a reason to continue anything that makes you feel nasty and is a threat to your health, is probably a bad thing.

So, if my mom could do it, surely I can too. I am thinking about how I am responding to stresses and I am praying that God would gently continue to work in me so that I recognize these places where my default is not helpful, not healthy, where it is harmful and adds to the problem. I am praying that having been given vision, God will then give me all that I need to make a different choice, more often anyway that I am making now. One day I would love to celebrate 9 years of freedom from that dreadful feeling of remorse that washes over me and the decrease in those "I have just done it again" moments. We call this sanctification, the process of being made holy, but I think the title means nothing. It is becoming the people we already are in Jesus. Paul called it taking hold of what Christ has taken hold for us.

Practice makes perfect. Guess I better get to it.

When enough is enough

We are a quarrelsome group. We are. We fight about lots of things, sometimes with great passion, sometimes with little snipes, but we often find ourselves at odds. This has been on my mind for several weeks, mostly because I do not care for that contentious spirit that seems to dominate whenever we are trying to get the Body to unify over one thing or another. Conflict seems necessary in order to shape and refine us, but the arrogance and attitude that accompany conflict wearies me and you too, I bet. More important though is that it keeps us from being one as the Father and Jesus are one, and therefore must be resolved differently.

I am speaking now to all of us, me included. We must be able to square up and face conflict with equal respect for those on all sides. We do not have to agree but we have to respect. We must stay the course in conflict, believing and stepping out in faith that God will provide direction to the whole Body through these times of conflict if we will wait it out. No one can take their stuff and go home. No one can throw anyone else out and no one can decide the opposition, whoever they are and whatever they believe, are of less value and deserve less consideration. In fact, should you be of the mind to believe others, who are in disagreement with you, aren't as wise, informed, educated, enlightened, intellectual, well read should remember they are the parts of the Body we are to treat with special care. And while we often mean 'special' as more like 'special' I think God means with great care.

I have a dear sister in the Lord who is fighting a very valiant war with cancer. I am very proud of her courage and valor, of her one day at a time approach to survival and her ability to let her guard down from time to time and share her fear and weak moments too. In her eyes I see the entire spectrum of emotion, the confidence and the fear, the belief and the doubt, the fight and the resignation, and I am awed and amazed and honored to be her friend. And in the refection of her shadow I am finding the ongoing battles about what we believe, what we value, what we need and what we will work towards somewhat infantile. What on earth does it matter what I get, what I have, what I am when the reality is God is all there ever was, is and ever will be. And God is enough.

I guess it matters what we build but only because I believe God has a plan and we need to listen for it. It matters what we believe but as long as we put our confidence in God, I suspect he will work out the details. I guess it matters who I am and who I am becoming, but I am fully confident that God is working out all those details too, and I don't see how I can be in better hands.

Wonder if today, in the middle of one of our conflicts if we can take a moment and thank God for it, trust that he is using it to accomplish his purpose in us and then trust that those who are present with different views will have good things to share that will help shape the vision and as we put those pieces together get not only direction but God's direction.

Oh Lord, Make it so.

Grace Abounds

I am back in school and I am studying Grace, Grace, Grace. We discuss Prevenient Grace, Justifying Grace, Sanctifying Grace, until it all swirls in our heads. We are save by grace through faith. We are given faith from God, grace comes from God, we are enabled to receive both from God, he empowers and equips us to accomplish his purposes and transform us in his image. While it is grace, grace, grace for sure, it's truly God, God, God at the heart.

I am not at all discrediting my classes, my professors, theologians who have spent many hours in intense study and prayer. They have in many cases spent their lives working out these conflicts and contradictions and they have presented reasonable propositions for what appears to be going on. Different faith traditions lean one way or another, different times and cultures are impacted differently. It's all great for my mind to begin to explore the whys and wherefores and I have benefited more than I can possibly say. But this I also need to say, any conclusion we come to that does not start and end with God is wrong.

I have a great appreciation of those who have gone before us. I think we have no idea how much our faith has been shaped and impacted by God and his revelation to all those who have worked out the faith with him in fear and trembling who have enabled us to do it with a double portion. Just as Elisha received the blessings of Elijah and his own, we receive the revelation of all those who have left footprints for us to follow and we have been able to perhaps go farther, learn more, It's an amazing gift and I am so very grateful. It's also abundantly clear to me that in each generation we try to figure out how it is we control and contribute to our salvation, justification, and sanctification and the answer must always come back to the same place, while it's grace, grace, grace, its grace because of God, God, God.

Hot discussions this past week about what work means to the salvation of God's people. Nothing new there either. Solomon was right about that, wasn't he? Nothing new under the sun, indeed. It has caused a lot of serious study and page thumping and scripture quoting. I am just fine with that. Dig in and find out what the Book has to say, my friends. Excellent idea! Here's what I think you will find, it's still all God, God, God.

I can't tell you what a screw up I am. I tell you, just the minute I get a knot worked out, I have tied three more. I get stuff right about half the time entirely by accident and the other half because someone fixed it for me. I am so tired of my sinful nature and the number of times I have to come back to the throne of grace and ask one more time to be forgiven and restored. And here is what I can tell you, my father does so NOT because my repentance is superior or the promise I have made to not do the same thing again is sincere, or because I asked the right way or I visited enough of the poor and widows and orphans this week. It's simply because of God's nature and his willingness to sacrifice his all to enable me, and all of you, to be welcomed at his feet. Beloved children worth the price. Why does he do it? Because it's his nature, it's his heart, it's his desire. It's all God.

And before one of you is unwise enough to call this cheap grace, let me tell you my sweet brothers and sisters, there is nothing cheap about this grace. It cost my Father EVERYTHING, and while I am broken enough to fall short day after day after day, it's not because I don't know what price has been paid for my redemption. I know it and it fills my heart with gratitude and love in such abundance it is all I can to every day to try to love him back with all I have. Any thing I have ever done one of you might deem as good was done not to earn my salvation or pay it back, but just in the natural response to having so much love poured in, it had to flow back out.

The kingdom of God is truly at hand. God is very close my friends and he invites all of us to enjoy his unconditional love expressed through His Son, His Spirit, His Word and His Grace. It's truly grace, grace, grace but it's always been God, God, God who calls it into being and reclaims it as his own.

Keeping the Joy

Life is just not really all that easy sometimes. Did you know that? Sometimes it's just harder than I thought it would be and I have to sit down and hold my head for a moment and reorient my self. It doesn't really always seem to add up like I thought it might. And while it's not unbearable, sometimes it's just tough.

I am a musical fan. I suppose my father being a musician, directing choirs and doing all the music part of the school musical productions started me down this path, I don't know. I know we owned every musical ever produced and I would listen to the albums over and over (some of you will have to go to a museum to see one) gazing at the pictures on the cover. It was just heavenly. I think the first musical I ever saw on television was West Side Story, which made me ball like a baby. My mother tried to soften the blow, 'this doesn't end well, Susan', but I still cried and cried. The second was Oklahoma. This was triple exposure because I owned the album, my dad performed the musical and I was in the musical in my own school. The line that always stuck in my head was Aunt Eller talking to the newlyweds saying "You got to take the good and the bad and say, 'Alright,then'". This sounded like a reasonable philosophy and I have tried to hold to it all my life.

Lately it seems like I have been saying 'Alright then' and awful lot. I am not really complaining. My life is good, my kids are good, my call crisis is resolving and my health is great. It's just that at times, I grow weary of the stress, the squabbling, the meeting the needs and dealing with the attitudes that are the reality of being a human being, living in world filled with others. While there has definitely been provision made for me and for mine, sometimes the provision is not as secure as I would like and I cannot see how I get from A to B. Especially when I am tired and my feelings are dangling out there for the breeze to toss back and forth, I feel like life is very hard indeed.

How can we stay joyful when we feel joyless? I know it's not waiting for the feeling to come back, feelings being unreliable and so conditional to what's happening in the present. I don't think it's buying stuff or eating more, both of which I have a tendency to enjoy and think helpful to my mood swings. I think it is really not at all based in external input whatsoever. I believe joy comes from the deeply held inner conviction that God loves me. God is all he said he was, all knowing, all seeing and Lord over all time and all space. In all that power and authority, he chooses to love me, take care of me and cover me with his glory. Regardless of my circumstances, my success or my popularity, my value is firmly established by the value my Father places on me, that while I was yet a sinner he sent his only son to die for me. Joy comes from knowing that we know that we know that we are the apple of our Eternal Fathers eye, not because we are so good but because we belong to him.

Life is hard. Sometimes very hard indeed. Sometimes so hard that it's hard to breathe, to smile, to be joy filled. We can always chose to be miserable, that's an easy decision. Let's choose instead to say, even in our misery, we will remember to whom we belong. He has completed our joy and when we love him back, somehow we complete his.

Keep your heads up, look at the good things and the bad things and say 'Alright then', and remember 'who loves you, baby'. My Father will take care of it, He loves that job!

Communing

Today I took communion to the shut ins. We do this on a rotation basis and this was the second time this year it was my turn. I dread this job because I hate calling folks and asking if they want me to come and bring them communion. I hate explaining who I am, where I am calling from and why it is I am calling. Sometimes the answers are so vague I think, did they want me to come or not?

I could not find cups and lids today that matched so I could prepare the grape juice individually, as I usually do. (Yes, I know you purist cannot believe we don't use wine. My sympathies are with you. Today especially I think we should rethink this position.) I ended up taking the grape juice, blessed during communion in worship, and putting it in a Tupperware container(which seems to null and void the blessing), and take cups to put the grape juice in at every stop. When I did this last none of my communion people wanted communion, this time all of them did. So armed with my Tupperware juice, Ziploc bag of bread, and a communion service adapted for shut ins, and an attitude big enough to choke a horse, I went on my merry way.

I got lost on the way to stop one and had to call for directions. This was actually a good thing as my resource has almost as little a sense of direction as I do, so she knows enough to take me one step at a time, describe every turn NOT by street sign but by physical description ('it looks like a dead end but it's not a dead end and there are really more houses back there, see what I mean?'). She stayed on the phone with me until I was safely in the correct driveway. Inside stop one is a precious lady who is sweet and gentle and is very eager to hear all about worship this morning and the number of people in attendance. She tells me about her daughter and her grandchildren. She reads along with me in the communion liturgy and I think how wonderful it is to say the Lords Prayer with this delightful spirit.

Stop two is another challenge but I find my way on my own to a beautiful home and yet another darling lady. She has some questions for me about the capital campaign our church is engaged in which I answer happily. She tells me with great delight about how much she enjoys her family and her home, how long she has been there and how she stills misses her husband. We say the same liturgy and we enjoy the same prayers and we share communion and again my heart is comforted.

Stop three is a gentleman who is a sports fan. We discussed with great enthusiasm all of his favorite teams and his favorite sports. He was not strong but he prayed the Lord's prayer with me and he took communion with enthusiasm and having finished all the grape juice he looked at me with a big grin and said, 'that was good!'. Yes, it was good. Who could keep an attitude in all of that?

My final stop was a long term care facility. These tend to be my least favorite stops but it was clean and bright and smelled like fabric softener sheets. In the hall I passed an old man and an old woman sitting with their heads together in their wheelchairs so they could hear each other better and it brought tears to my eyes. My lady was sleeping in her chair and having just read dos and don'ts of hospital visiting I couldn't really decide if I ought to wake her. I finally touched her hand and she woke immediately. I told her who I was and asked if she would like communion and she sat up and said 'Yes' with so much energy I was ashamed of my previous attitude. We read the liturgy together, she said the blessing was very sweet and once again I was humbled by her spirit. She was brutally honest and blunt at times, kind and sweet at others. She said she would never remember my name but she would remember my face. I told her it was enough and I believe it is.

I wont remember this the next time in the rotation rolls around. I will remember the phone calls and the frustration of trying to find a safe way to transport the elements. I will remember this takes my nap time and that I always get lost. But I hope somewhere deep inside me, the memory of those faces are seared in my heart. When I groan about another worship service, another event, another meeting, there are folks out there who long to be in fellowship with the body. When I approach the altar railing thinking details I hope God will call to mind the dignity and grace with which those folks celebrated. I trust that somewhere in my soul they left an imprint that will remind me that the body is all of us, and that joy is always an option. And that communing is indeed a holy mystery that somehow unites us, to one another and to God through Jesus in ways that defy definition. This is a gift. I am very grateful.

LIttle Bunny Foo Foo

I am declaring it against the law for any person I will ever know coming to any meeting I will ever attend in order to chase a rabbit. Ever. I do not think this is asking too much. In fact, I believe it is both quite reasonable and a humanitarian act. A gift for all mankind, or peoplekind for you gender neutral people.

You know what I mean, I know you do. Rabbit chasing is when someone, while giving a report includes a sidebar sentence. Something like, and in conclusion on the way home we saw a deer. Person B at the meeting says, yes we saw a deer too. Persons C, D, E all say things like they have seen deer quite often on their way home and they think the population is increasing. Back to person A who says, yes they think that is due to a shortened hunting season. Where person F now jumps in to say, they remember hunting as a child and how excited they were on the first day of deer season and goes on to tell a hunting story. He is interrupted by Person D who has a hunting story equally exciting and then goes on to tell a hunting accident story. Person B has no hunting story but they have had an accident so they tell that story. Before long everyone is into hospital stories and the report is forgotten and the report was the reason for the meeting anyway.

And you know what I am doing, right? I am holding my head and wishing Calgon would take me away. Little Bunny Foo Foo was running through forest and attracted every single person in the room. This leads me to mutter things like 'Ugh', and tap my fingers or pen or click my binder until someone, anyone stops the insanity. Then someone will say something to get us back on target and I am encouraged and get all focused and then before you know it, we are back to chasing another bunny.

Why does this happen? Is it supposed to happen? Is that how we get to know people, when we share the stories of our lives? Are we just walking around primed to tell anyone these events and look for the opening? And if this is the case, are we sure we are supposed to do that meetings? Surely not! Surely we can establish other times to share the gall bladder removal story than a business meeting. Perhaps we could have designated meetings, do you think? We could have a Tuesday morning coffee group that meets solely to discuss the funny things they have seen in Walmart.

I struggle with prayer concern time for just this reason. I am all for praying for folks. I am all for lifting up concern together. I am not for hearing all the details about why it is I need to pray. I like just praying, I think God knows all the details and that's enough. And I hate answering why we are praying for one of my folks. Just take their name and go for it. You know that as soon as you say 'please pray for little Johnny, his nose is bleeding' someone is sitting primed to tell you about their own nose bleed or the nose bleed of someone they know. Geez.

In case I don't get my law passed, lets agree to be reasonable about Little Bunny Foo Foo. Lets agree to try to stick to a topic, to gently and lovingly say, we aren't talking about your aunt Virginia's sock puppets until we have formally taken a break or over the table at lunch. I do care about your stories but not in the context of a committee meeting and certainly no medical stories over lunch (Another no no, telling stories that make may make me queasy.) Pretty please, with sugar on top?

And speaking of sugar, lets have more of that. It's a food I like! Many of the foods I like have sugar: like cereal, bread, noodles, cake, cookies, candy. And speaking of candy, you know Sam is not big on sharing. I have noticed this as a problem with small people, actually big people too. Why just the other day...

See how easy it is, Little Bunny Foo Foo is slick.