Anybody in here?

I just finished the piece on people a day or so ago. I meant what I said, I think. There are times when I truly like to be alone. If not alone, then with people who enjoy silence too, who like to work independently and will pause from time to time to smile or ask a question, or answer one without all the chaos. I have been told I am a living breathing tornado, clearing a path where ever I go. Perhaps this is why I don't really need lots of additional energy.

Today I realized while I like to be alone from time to time, I do not like to be lonely. I had an experience that reminded me that while I am often surrounded by people and I have been richly blessed with good friends, there are times even in their midst I feel isolated. It feels to me like those nightmares where you must communicate something to the people around you, only you can't speak. Or if you woke up tomorrow in a strange land where not one soul understood English. I remember reading about psychology experiments where one individual is set up in a room full of people who are in on the test. They beginning filling the room with smoke and no one responds except the one individual. Many of those tested went along with the group, even at the risk of their own lives in their minds, rather than be the lone responder. There is also an experiment, same set up, where each individual is asked to identify which line is longer of two. Every other person in the room identifies the incorrect line. Many, many people again go along rather than be the only person to choose a different line. This need to belong, to have companionship, to have affirmation and support in our beliefs is universal. It is a God given need and when it is met in healthy and whole ways, I believe we become a little healthier and more whole ourselves.

I will admit with great reluctance that I have spent most of my life with strong walls meant to keep most people at arms length. I could have defended this position strongly and with passion a year ago. I thought it exactly what the scripture talked about in being wise as serpants, innocent as doves. Smile big, be nice, expect little. I thought it was an excellent strategy and I think I have been relatively content living this way. In the last year I have had reason to revisit this life view and see the limitations in remaining walled in. The biggest draw back being that God intended his people to function together. He made us for community, to become his body in the world today. Limiting the impact others can have on your heart, your mind, your opinions and beliefs may protect you from pain and conflict but it also prevents you from the joy of being part of the God's family as you were designed to be.

Still, it seems to me that while we are called to be a community, we are also called from time to time to stand alone. Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness alone. He spent his last free hours praying in Gethsemane alone. So many of the pillars of the early church died in prison alone. Paul breaks my heart in 2 Timothy when he writes of his loneliness and his desire to see Timothy. We need community to live and grow and function. We need isolation to develop deeper roots, courage, resolution, direction, peace. It isn't an either/ or, its a both/and. Just as I needed to learn to let a very few folks in, I also need not to panic in those times when I stand alone. They are both seasons, they both produce fruit and I am never truly alone. My father holds me even when I cannot feel his hands.

I haven't changed my mind about the island. Still think it sounds like a mighty nice way to live. But I need to reach out and touch others too. God created in me the need, then he filled the need. He has sent those who touch me deeply and he has used them to help me stand when I have to endure alone. God in all, God through all, God is all.