I had a hard time sleeping last night. In fact, I don't think I did. My mind would not stop, my stomach churned and I found no way to get comfortable or peaceful. Finally this morning when I have tried long enough, I just got up. I have a series of disciplines I usually work through that are comforting. Centering prayer, a bath, reading a book, working on my gratitude journal. All of those have been helpful in slowing my heart rate, calming my spirits, but none of them have helped me sleep. I have given up that goal and instead I am trying to make peace my focus.
So often the things that make me a little nuts are the things that move me out of the center and take away my sense of peace and well being. I am aware that this is not a unique reaction, it's not like most people don't have this experience! I am just pondering why peace is so fragile and when Jesus left us His peace, not as the world gives, why am I still often running back to His arms and asking Him to give it to me again. Am I so careless to loose it over and over again?
I hear you, I haven't lost it but I have let it go. This is true and profound and important but it doesn't resolve the issue. Why is that? More, how can I learn to have a better grip?
I had a delightful meal with a dear friend last night. We truly enjoyed the time and the discussion and I learned a great deal in the process. I have mulled over some of the conversation quite a bit in the hours I was not sleeping. I think God is the God of perfect timing, meaning I am given what I need when I need it. I think the morsels of truth I was given last night have a lot to do with my peace search. We discussed wounds and the on going message that God is in the business of healing them. We both agreed this was the case but we moved into talking about wounds that do not heal this side of eternity. What does God do with wounds that take graduation to eternity to heal?
He keeps them clean. He becomes the antiseptic that keeps infection at bay and even is gracious enough to create in our minds an alarm system that makes us react to a wound being invaded again. It's the fear or the anger or the emotion or physical response. It's the pounding heart that sometimes leads to the pounding head. It's God's gift to us to remind us to turn. Turn fast, run home, and stay until the cleaning is done. It's not peace lost, it's peace in union with God. That is where we are disinfected once again.
I was reminded yesterday in church of a time many years ago in the play land of a MacDonald's. A friend's little girl, who is now a very attractive and darling teen, was a little whiny and complained that someone was not playing with her. Her mom turned and called her over and said "Honey, let me love you". She pulled her up in her lap, wrapped both arms around her and her daughter snuggled into her shoulder and sighed the most contented sigh. I thought it was such a good thing to do! In my heart I can feel my God doing the same thing. "Daddy, they aren't playing with me!" "Come here honey, let me love you". When I come, He wraps both arms around me and I snuggle deep into His should and sigh with relief. Gosh that is so good!!!
So maybe peace isn't lost, maybe it takes on a new feeling when it calls you home. Maybe it creates a sense of urgency that invites you to run with every ounce of strength you can muster to get the wound tended before infection can set in. Perhaps the better we get at recognizing the symptoms, the faster we get clean again. At least the quicker we can feel the warmth and safety of a Father who knows who we are and loves us completely.
I would write more but I am going to sit with my Father and let Him love me some more.
No comments:
Post a Comment