Rolling with the Punches

I love people who rise to the occasion. I just love those people who, when their plans go awry, put on a big smile, put their best foot forward and somehow make you think that this new plan is so much better than their old one. Whose ability to size up the seriousness of a situation and make a good judgement is so comforting and assuring that everyone responds with confidence. I just think these people hung the moon. I would like to sing an ode in their honor, only no one does that anymore. Thank goodness.

I am not this person. I can be funny during these moments. I can exude a calm exterior and a warm grin. I can be reassuring and I can do what I am told. But I am not at all at peace. I am furious that my plans are being thwarted (this is a big no), I am trying hard to think of a replacement plan, one equally perfect to the first, and I am repeating my mantra, 'this is no big deal, this is no big deal, this is no big deal'. Because, of course, I think it is a huge deal and I am going to be ashamed of this shortly.

The last few days I have had great examples of taking a punch and rolling with it. We had a wild storm come through here on Sunday morning. We had no power and it was our day to be in mission and ministry. Many of our projects were outside, all of our music and sound needed power for worship and quite frankly it was a mess. Cars were damaged in our lot. I really was clueless about what to do. I thought it was smarter to give it up and send everyone home only sending them out might be worse than keeping them. I was smiling big and thinking fast and feeling way over my head. I needed someone to hear all the concerns and make good decisions, and my pastor did. I sure did like him in that moment.

It is not any one's favorite thing, rolling with the punches. But those who know how to take a hit and rebound with grace and ease take away the sting. It's a gift to everyone there as well as ones self. This rocks. This is win/win and it is what I want God to do in me. I want to learn to take a punch better and see it as an opportunity to be a blessing and to bless rather than endure and survive. To take my big deal and quite trying to convince myself it is not, but claim the greater deal it could be. Wouldn't that be cool?

I know perfectionism has its roots very well anchored in insecurity. Wont it be delightful to come to the place where one's security is so complete in their value and worth as a child of God that the rest of this stuff is like water from a duck. Doesn't even make an impression. Oh Lord, make it so. Now would be good.

North and south going Zax

I had the painful experience of observing a north going Zax and a south going Zax carefully try to navigate each other this week. It was a truly very difficult for both and they were trying very hard to honor one another. Only the desire to honor one another when intersected with the deeply ingrained directional indicator was causing an intense response. It was not expressed, it was just below the surface but it radiated out into the room and everyone there was effected.

I was pained for both parties and I understood that for each the need was beyond having their way. These were set points that were being seriously pushed and the result was such an electrified environment that it stressed everyone who came into it. Words were dripping with emotion, movement was careful and guarded, discomfort was everywhere. It was frightening and sad and overwhelming all at the same time.

I thought about it for a long time and still have no resolution for how some of that could be diffused. Neither party is being willful, both have a tremendous need here and it is taking a carefully choreographed dance to keep everyone moving in rythm. I believe in this moment all participants had lost track of the shared music and were hearing their own strains loudly.

My Zax friends are bound for a destination neither of them want. This is a hardship. They are approaching the journey from an entirely different bent, this is also a problem. They are not free to say what they are feeling because they deeply love one another and they don't wish for the journey to be more of a burden for the other. They are tied up in knots all the time and they don't know how to unravel them. They are trying to keep their knots private but they cannot, they spill out into the world around them and this creates additional stress.

I wish I could help. I can't change their destination either. I can't rearrange their set points or give them a way out. I don't know how to really listen to either without being more of an intrusion and I don't know how to make it safe for them to express the emotion and tension. I have tried to be creative and I have no ideas. I can't come up with anything that wouldn't be an even greater invasion.

I am praying, and I am coming to the conclusion that there are truly times when the only way a north going Zax and a south going Zax who have come foot to foot and face to face reach resolution is by divine intervention. I think this is easier when the Zax want a resolution and my Zax do. They just wanted a different resolution. I wanted a different resolution for them. In some things, the answer is only to bend the knee. This is one of them.

The Quest for Peace

I had a hard time sleeping last night. In fact, I don't think I did. My mind would not stop, my stomach churned and I found no way to get comfortable or peaceful. Finally this morning when I have tried long enough, I just got up. I have a series of disciplines I usually work through that are comforting. Centering prayer, a bath, reading a book, working on my gratitude journal. All of those have been helpful in slowing my heart rate, calming my spirits, but none of them have helped me sleep. I have given up that goal and instead I am trying to make peace my focus.

So often the things that make me a little nuts are the things that move me out of the center and take away my sense of peace and well being. I am aware that this is not a unique reaction, it's not like most people don't have this experience! I am just pondering why peace is so fragile and when Jesus left us His peace, not as the world gives, why am I still often running back to His arms and asking Him to give it to me again. Am I so careless to loose it over and over again?

I hear you, I haven't lost it but I have let it go. This is true and profound and important but it doesn't resolve the issue. Why is that? More, how can I learn to have a better grip?

I had a delightful meal with a dear friend last night. We truly enjoyed the time and the discussion and I learned a great deal in the process. I have mulled over some of the conversation quite a bit in the hours I was not sleeping. I think God is the God of perfect timing, meaning I am given what I need when I need it. I think the morsels of truth I was given last night have a lot to do with my peace search. We discussed wounds and the on going message that God is in the business of healing them. We both agreed this was the case but we moved into talking about wounds that do not heal this side of eternity. What does God do with wounds that take graduation to eternity to heal?

He keeps them clean. He becomes the antiseptic that keeps infection at bay and even is gracious enough to create in our minds an alarm system that makes us react to a wound being invaded again. It's the fear or the anger or the emotion or physical response. It's the pounding heart that sometimes leads to the pounding head. It's God's gift to us to remind us to turn. Turn fast, run home, and stay until the cleaning is done. It's not peace lost, it's peace in union with God. That is where we are disinfected once again.

I was reminded yesterday in church of a time many years ago in the play land of a MacDonald's. A friend's little girl, who is now a very attractive and darling teen, was a little whiny and complained that someone was not playing with her. Her mom turned and called her over and said "Honey, let me love you". She pulled her up in her lap, wrapped both arms around her and her daughter snuggled into her shoulder and sighed the most contented sigh. I thought it was such a good thing to do! In my heart I can feel my God doing the same thing. "Daddy, they aren't playing with me!" "Come here honey, let me love you". When I come, He wraps both arms around me and I snuggle deep into His should and sigh with relief. Gosh that is so good!!!

So maybe peace isn't lost, maybe it takes on a new feeling when it calls you home. Maybe it creates a sense of urgency that invites you to run with every ounce of strength you can muster to get the wound tended before infection can set in. Perhaps the better we get at recognizing the symptoms, the faster we get clean again. At least the quicker we can feel the warmth and safety of a Father who knows who we are and loves us completely.

I would write more but I am going to sit with my Father and let Him love me some more.