Rest

For the next five days, I am taking a break. It's not exactly a vacation but it is a break from the same kind of work I do all the time and it is coming at a wonderful time. I have been going hard for weeks. I even dream about the next deadline, the next meeting, the next event. I am ready to stop thinking for just a little bit. I think I lost perspective sometime ago. You know when you find yourself staring at people between your thumb and your forefinger and say, "I am squishing your head, I am squishing your head", you are in trouble.

What I am exceedingly bad about is taking a complete break. I am having a hard time leaving the computer at home. I am going to do so only because there is no room for it with me but I think it will be hard and I am going to miss it tremendously. So I am psyching myself up. By not taking the computer I am limiting my work time to reading and writing some, both of these activities I enjoy and find restful. I am limiting email to that I can respond to by phone and I am forcing myself to interact with the folks I am traveling with, because I will be unable to be in the same room but be lost in cyberspace. I don't know when I last did this. Whenever that was I probably didn't like it.

I have been told for sometime now that I need to be more intentional about rest and renewal. That I am not balanced when it comes to work and leisure. I think perhaps this is a moot point because it assumes that I am capable of balance, but I think I do begin to see that while all work and no play will certainly never make me boring, they do conspire to make me crabby. Crabby is not good. I don't like me when I am crabby. When I start on one of my rants, I really don't like me. I can't seem to stop me but I don't like it. I try never to listen to me. I think this is a safety precaution.

So here is my plan. First, I am leaving the laptop home. Second, I am taking notes and books and some things I need to read for work but I am also taking some goofy stuff. I haven't read just for reading sake in a long time....maybe since the last Harry book came out. Third, I am going to spend some leisure time. I am going with fifteen youth and four adults on a youth retreat. I am sure everyday at some point they can get along just fine without me while I take a walk, or read a book or nap in the shade. I think I will window shop some and visit the resource library and maybe chat with a perfect stranger about nothing in particular. And finally, I am going to enjoy worship. I am going to go worship where I am not responsible for a thing and if something goes wrong, someone else will be in charge of fixing it. I will make note of things I love but mostly I will just worship. I am excited.

I am also having second thoughts. Be brave, don't give in now! I know I can leave the computer behind, I know I can. Wonder if they are sure we don't have room? It's small, you know. Okay, Okay, Okay. No caving, I am standing firm and letting it go. I am taking a break. It will be fine. After this wonderful week, I may even adopt the habit and work less. Nah.

The drive

I like to drive. I like the freedom of the car to myself, sunshine and wide open road. I do not like to pay for gas and I do not know why all those other drivers need to drive while I am driving, but I love to go on fairly long trips in pretty scenery and listen to music and perhaps drive a little fast. This is fun to me.

I like drive and energy as well. I like folks who are excited about what they do, who don't limit the potential of a new idea and who will put in the time to make a good thing better because they want it to be the best it can be. I love to either be in the midst of a project myself or be a part of someone else's when that creative edge kicks in and everyone is energized and motivated to dig in, push a little more. That drive is fun to me too.

I dislike intensely holding back so it doesn't cost too much or take too long. I am wearied by people who drive slowly in the left lane and people who are continuously negative. I am aggravated by people who when reminded of the vastness of God respond with the smallness of their minds. I could just scream when I run into one bar after another set so low as to require absolutely nothing, as far as effort and drive, and then am asked why so few people seem to be committed these days. I am reminded constantly of a comment my mother made when I was a little girl about women who wore their curlers to the grocery store. She would say, "I wonder who they are saving it for" meaning if they are curling their hair to look good for someone, they are wasting their time, everyone has already seen it looking bad. That's what I want to ask these folks, who are you saving all your energy for? How many mediocre things are we going to tolerate?? Don't you know that it looks bad?

Here is the really frustrating thing to me: why on earth does God love us all equally? I know this is completely incorrect to ask these kind of questions and I know that I do not deserve God's love. I am grateful that He loves me and all of us. But really think about this with me. I am not talking about sinners, I know we are all sinners and fall short of the grace of God. I am talking about those who do the bare minimum, just enough to get by in every area of their lives. Who live life dipping their toes into the water but never get wet. In Revelation they are neither hot nor cold, just lukewarm. They live lukewarm lives. I guess they never burn out but they never light up either. Yet, while God may spit them out of His mouth there is no doubt that He loves them, as He loves all. This boggles my mind. Perhaps in His love He would join me in my wish to grab them and shake them by the shoulders and say, get those curlers out of your hair and be something for goodness sake!!! Perhaps I better keep these kind of wishes to a minimum as there is no doubt a group of people writing in their blogs about people like me who need someone to shake them by the shoulders and say, stop being so doggone judgemental. But who cares about that anyway?????

I like this quote by Lee Iaoccoa:
Apply yourself. Get all the education you can, but then, by God,
do something. Don't just stand there, make it happen.

Lee might not have meant by God in the same manner I do, but by the grace of God let's do something worth doing well. Let's make excellence a goal. Let's raise the bar and when we fall short, let's promise not to lower the bar but brush ourselves off and try again. Let's quit saving it and look good all the time. And let's take a little drive. It's so good for the soul.

The Bad News Bears Remix

We are playing softball again this summer. I think that's what you could call this sport. It has gloves and a big ball and bats and bases and nine players and an umpire. It has fans and innings and three outs. It also has some of the funniest plays I have ever seen.

Tonight for example we missed more balls than we caught, one player got lost on the way from second to third base and somehow tried to get there through the pitchers mound, and one phenomenal catch was made by a player who simply stuck her arm out and closed her eyes. We laughed until our sides hurt. One team was short quite a few players so we loaned them ours and they went on to beat us. We were beaten by ourselves. How can this be? Before long those sitting in the stands were talking about bringing a video camera to the games so we could submit film to America's Funniest Video and for sermon illustrations. Our players laughed too. It was all a delightful experience. And it truly was as much fun or maybe much more fun than if we had been playing seriously and winning. I was awfully proud of our church folks who were warm and kind and caring to each other. It made me proud to be a part of the bad news bears.

We started recreation ministry to create ways to reach out to people who maybe able, through a nonthreatening contact, find their way into the church. I think that has happened some, which is a blessing. But in addition, I have discovered real fellowship is going on with the team, the players, and the fans as they share a common activity, this sport we are loosely calling softball. Tonight the fellowship extended to the other team and it became a shared joy as both teams had three stooges plays and the occasional brilliant ones. It never was about the game. I don't see how it could have been, it would have taken talent and athletes. Though we had some athletes, they were greatly outnumbered by real people who just enjoyed playing. The people and the fellowship won out easily. Every once in awhile there is a team who shows up to play. They are serious and quiet and they of course beat us badly. Perhaps it's rationalization, but I think we are all happier when we just have fun. I guess it's never a bad thing to win though!


We are ready to play again. I bet we have lots of people show up to cheer us on, mostly because it's fun to watch and you get that sense of KNOWING you can play better than what you are watching. In my case it isn't so, but it's fun to think. I am praying God blesses the effort and the energy and the joy. That He makes us a community who in turn make being one of His people our goal. Then no matter what the score is, that's a win.

Letting go

Many years ago, more than I am admitting to by a long shot, I came across an article that Sue Monk Kidd had written for Guidepost about her daughter and a helium balloon. She had offered to hold the helium balloon for her daughter or tie the balloon to her wrist but instead her daughter insisted on holding the balloon herself. She said she could take care of it best, or words to that effect. Of course, when she stepped outside the wind caught the balloon and pulled it out of her hand, up and away. That life lesson taught me the outcome of when I try to hold onto things, thinking I can hold them best. Up and away they go as soon as a breeze catches them.

Many areas in my life I have surrendered to God's authority. I am able to hold my hands open in lots of places, some without a twinge of concern. But there are others that no matter how I try and how many pep talks I give myself, I cannot seem to pry my fingers apart and I think I hold that thing best. Having lost a balloon or two recently, I feeling a greater sense of urgency to get better at this.

The connection between being responsible and conscientious and taking good care of the tasks given me and the discipline of trusting God and keeping my hands open is hard to keep in balance. If I am too open handed sometimes things slide off into oblivion and the balloon is long gone. If it is too tightly gripped God is likely to pull it out because, after all, He is God and can do what He wants. Worse yet, He allows me to discover what happens when I think I know best.

There are moments when I am absolutely worn out by the intentional disciplined lack of response . My desire to reach out and grab hold of something that needs, in my opinion, some serious reorganization is almost all consuming. Letting stuff go, not commenting out loud, trusting God who seems to be taking no action whatsoever makes me so irritable I could scream. Sometimes the only way I can not say what I am thinking is too force my lips together and stop all communication whatsoever. I find it helpful to say to myself over and over "they were not put on the planet to make you happy, you know". "He is God and I am not", "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" "for everything there is a season" and finally, "Vengeance is mind saith the Lord" are also of comfort. My son Sam on occasion likes to report on people who are not the boss of him, I have adopted that habit. You would be quite amazed at the number of people who are not the boss of me, some of them would be stunned.

I do not know why God wants us to grip with all of our energy His hand and trust Him to do the balloon carrying, but I know He does. Honesty forces me to admit that trusting God doesn't mean we get to keep all those balloons. In fact, releasing them to His care does sometimes mean we truly are letting them go and even trusting a loving Father doesn't make the release painless. In fact sometimes it is so painful it takes your breathe away. I don't know how you submit to letting go knowing this is an option except to remember that holding on is sometimes even worse.

So, I am practing releasing again. I think balloons always look so pretty flying away in the sky. As long as they aren't mine.

The road less traveled

Well....it sounds much more romantic than it is. It sounds mystical and shadowed in the softest of all dewy morning light, the animals from Disney studios lined up on either side to sing to you, the gentle breeze softly moving your beautifully flowing hair. It is magical the road less traveled and no wonder Robert Frost chose such a delightful way to go. Who would not do so for goodness sake!

Only of course, it isn't like this at all. It's bumpy and barren and at a cross road there is a huge sign that says, 'I'd turn back if I was you'. And you, being you have to think long and hard about doing anything to the contrary. Why on earth would someone choose the hilly, bumpy lonely trail where we are definitely warned and directed to go another way. There are probably news stories of those who have made the same turn never to be heard from again. I bet even alien life forms here to shop at our Wal*Marts and make children with our actors, would avoid the road less traveled. So why on earth are we supposed to choose the silly thing.

I today sitting here staring out the window of my imagination can honestly say, I have no earthly idea. I know that making the choice two years ago has lead me to a cross road where I get to make it again. My tummy is queasy and my head aches and I wonder, girl, have you lost your mind?! Yes, of course I have, I was called to do so you know. Loose it all to find it, I am confident that was the call. I will admit it does seem to be taking an inordinate amount of time to have my mind found, but I must also agree that I am not missing it much.

It seems when one chooses the road less traveled it is not a final destination. It leads to more cross roads, more choices, even less traveled paths and byways that do not look at all appealing but somehow call to you. I am standing here once more wondering if the road less traveled has 'made all the difference'. I am not sure I could say with absolute confidence yes, my life is a joyful place because I 'chose wisely'. There are times, when I am sweating profusely as I climb over yet another daggone boulder that is four times my size and there is no way around, that I think I should have turned back just like the sign said. I am not excited about the muscles I am developing. They hurt, did you know that? Is my faith deepening, perhaps but surely it could have deepened on the road with Bambi and ET and Thumper too. I suspect that there may never come a golden day when I say with the assurance of a conqueror, I was a genius to choose the road less traveled.

So why am I choosing it? I will tell you without a shadow of a doubt that I believe it is the only faithful choice there is. I do not care a whit about muscles, or anything else I might gain on this journey nearly as much as one day looking at God with whatever nerve I am able to gather and have Him muss my hair and say, 'you did good. We laughed a lot at you kiddo, but you did good.' This I can live with. Somehow enough that I am inching along this lousy road less traveled. Come on, go with me. Misery loves company.

A new day

I loved Anne of Green Gables. I thought it was an excellent book and I loved all the other Anne books. I don't know why exactly, maybe because her hair was red, or maybe they were so well written or maybe it was just written in a lovely setting in a lovely time and the people were delightful. There are books I read for comfort, they just make me warm and fuzzy and feel better about life. Anne is one of those books.

One of the Anne-isms I always loved was each morning was a fresh day with no mistakes in it yet. I like that philosophy myself. It is a nice way of living. Just think if that was truly the way we lived. At the end of the day we laid down our baggage, the stuff we accumulated during the day and in the morning it was gone, never to be found again. Those things that make us feel inadequate and inferior, laid down and forgotten, those things that tempt us to think we are superior and above reproach gone too. A new day, fresh start for us and for everyone we know.

I have always felt that about communion. I always leave communion feeling like I have been forgiven and I am starting again with no sin, restored and renewed. I grew up in a tradition that celebrated communion every Sunday. I personally like this, I need to get reset every week. Now a days we celebrate communion only once a month. This is not so good. I ought to be able to hold on a month but by the time communion rolls around, there is a lot to lay down. I think if we had communion weekly there would be more room for other people's stuff.

I have several times gone to another church for communion on Sunday evenings. It's a Taize worship service and it's small and very intimate and there are enough people to rest in the music and the silence comfortably but not too many so that I feel like I need to make room for much of their stuff. It's celebrated in a beautiful sanctuary where the sun dances through beautiful stain glass windows and everywhere there is beautiful woodwork, lovely windows and the prayers of the faithful prayed in that room for a hundred years. I love that vision, that we truly do live in the glorious reflection of all who have gone before us. Their faith, their prayers, their voices raised in praise, all have soaked the walls and the beams and remain in echoes with our own. Of course we can begin again when given such companionship.

Tomorrow is a new day. It's the chance to begin again, fresh with no mistakes in it yet. One day we will wake up to eternity where there will be perfection and the need for a new beginning will be a memory. Until then, what say we meet at the altar and lay all those sins down, and begin again forgive and restored.

Self Destruction

I just spent a week at annual conference. This is not exciting to anyone outside my denomination. It is not exciting to anyone inside my denomination either. Its a couple of days where business is conducted, policies are reviewed and there is time to take stock of where we are, where we are going. It's a whole lot of boring reports and an occasional emotional discussion. I think they throw that in to hold your interest. There is some very good worship, good music, good Bible study. It's nice to see people I have met in various places, have nice relaxing evenings and good food. Lots to find good. Somehow though, it's not quite good.

I think we stand at a crossroad. I haven't been here long enough to know how long we have been standing here. I think long enough though that making the wrong turn has become a habit. That happens for some odd reason, that form of insanity, where you keep repeating a pattern thinking this time you will get different results. I understand how it happens, I have practiced years of insanity in lots of ways. I just know at some point if you want to grow beyond that, you have to embrace a different choice even if the same old one is comfortable and convenient. This is the place I think God brings us back to as individuals and as communities to help us make a different choice. Pick the harder way, step out in faith, choose to believe that God can do what He says He can do. I have often wondered when the spies came back from visiting the promised land, described it exactly as they had been promised how they still ended up recommending that perhaps God was not up to the challenge. It seems so ridiculous. You just want to jump up and down and say, did you see the water trick? Or the plagues, or the cool stuff you got to take out with you, just like God said? What is the deal with you people?! Only of course, I am running into them at annual conference, and maybe in the mirror.

It is the ultimate in self destruction, to know where the light is and choose to stay in the dark. It is the most ridiculous thing ever that when God is gracious enough to love us in extraordinary ways, to answer prayer both big and small, and move mountains in our presence, we say but we have always done it this way....why do we have to do something else now? Then we cry because we are still outside of the promise land and sometimes entire generations are stuck wandering around until another crossroad is met and a different choice is made.

We made a new choice this go round. It was made with a little ripple and a great deal of grumbling. Not everything was resolved and a choice that is made in name only and then not lived out with any kind of action or follow through wont mean a thing. In fact, it will be worse because this doorway will never work again. It will just be one of the new insanity patterns. I am really praying very diligently that this is not the case. How very sad that would be.

I don't pretend to know God's mind in these matters, but I believe I do know His heart. This isn't arrogance, it's just Scripture. God wants us to know Him, and to love Him and to serve Him and by doing so, become the tools He uses to reach all of His children. Any choice that leads us to do that more effectively for the world we live in today is a step in the right direction. This become the opposite of self destruction, it becomes the ultimate self affirmation: to be the child of God we were all created to be, unique yet made in our Father's (or Mother's for those who prefer)image. Why do we resist with so much determination?

Back to the annual conference, wouldn't it be great if next year it was closer to being good. In five years, it was the high point of the year. In ten years so good that we extend it a day, just to celebrate God together. I know, this is a different form of insanity altogether.