That's a Wrap

I attended a funeral today. It was for a lady I didn't know at all. I am sure we saw one another at worship. She only lived locally the last couple of years, she died full of years and relatively painlessly. Her funeral was sad for her family, for one of her daughters in particular, but those present were mostly in a state of acceptance. Her granddaughter, a strikingly pretty red head, was sweet and thoughful and made the effort to come and thank me for being there and to say that she was glad if her grandmother had to go that she went as she did. The service was small but sweet and touching and I was glad to have been there.

I learned today that an acquaintance was killed in an car accident. I dont know details but I hope her passing was at least quick as it does not seem it could have been painless. In a strange string of connections, I just got to know her husband over New Years on the mission trip. I had worked with her on an Emmaus weekend and got to be friends in the team meetings that preceeded the weekend. Her life was certainly full, but her days seemed short.

I guess because of these events, and the time of year. my thoughts have been about how I finish the race. I dont mean how I die, Lord knows I have my preferences there! I want to go in my sleep just this side of my mind functioning as well as it ever has. Big surprise, isn't it?! As if anyone sits around thinking, 'I know, I'd like to get an exotic disease they will name after me and die slowly'. But that isn't what I mean anyway. What I mean is, when I think about what I hope to accomplish in my life time, what I would like to leave behind.

I know everyone wants to leave behind something, a validation that their life was meaningful. But I mean beyond that too. I mean if you could choose some way to effect the pool before you were no longer in the water, what effect would you like to make. What would I like to do? I read a book by Bill Bright several years ago called The Journey Home: Finishing with Joy. I remembered it particularly because my cousin had just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and I thought if it was uplifting I would send it to her. Bill Bright wrote the book while dying himself and I wondered if she would find it a source of comfort. She died before I finished the book myself so I never sent it on, but I read it with awe at the sense of urgency to complete work he had began and the lack of anger at knowing that death was approaching and that it was approaching noisily. I know his death was as a result of his lungs loss of ability to function properly. That is not a comfortable death. Yet tonight when I googled his name and found all his books I was struck with the legacy he left behind that I am confident continues to impact the pool.

I think about people like Oswald Chambers and Brother Lawrence and Sister Teresa of Avila, Martin Luther, John Wesley, John Calvin, John Wycliffe and people like them long gone from the water still changing the pool and I want to finish with that in mind. I do not have their gifts or call, but in my own way I want to know that I used the gifts and the talents given me in such a way that though no one may ever remember the contribution was mine, it continues to impact others. This is the kind of party I want at the end.

A woman dear to my heart fights one thing after another as the treatment to stop the progression of cancer in her body compromises her immune system. She has effected our pool locally in the manner she has dealt with her health issues. Her public requests for prayer and detmination to live as naturally as possible with joy are inspirational. She is also public with her frustrations and fears, wondering why she must walk this particular road, but she continues to walk. This is a legacy worth leaving behind too.

I wish to live like I know the wrap party is coming and I want it to have a lasting impact. And if we can work out the sleep, while still in as close to a right mind I have ever been, I would appreciate that too.

Excellence

I have come to admire excellence almost above all. Excellence in almost anything, though I will admit excellence in illegal pursuits seems a waste to me. I find that people who work with excellence in mind, or live or love with excellence in mind, have a drive and zest for life that attracts and motivates me. It is like the moth to the flame thing, I just think I want that!

In preparation for leadership training at my church I have been thinking about churches that are growing and doing well, and those who are not. I know that God does what God does but it seems to me we do our part best when we work with excellence towards a goal. I can see where hard work and striving towards getting the details right can be negative when it done to extremes, but I have never seen mediocrity produce fruit. At best it can maintain, but to see real growth there needs to be some excellence present somewhere. I am eager to see more excellence in my own work, church, denomination and church universal.

I have heard lots of moaning and groaning about numbers and the lack of growth in the mainline denominations and there is much to moan and groan over. I just wonder when the light bulb goes off and we realize that the biggest issue we have to resolve is why we ever thought that promoting and keeping the lowest possible standards would ever result in anything else. I am not talking about moral issues, as long as we have people we will have moral issues. I don't really think I am talking about keeping a list and checking it twice kind of thing. I am talking about planning and dreaming and working with the objective at the end to have done something worth doing. To say, it wasn't perfect but it was good and I am satisfied we have done our best. What is it we are saving our best for anyway?

I heard a sermon series on the parables in Matthew and I was struck by the one on the talents. First, I guess I had no idea what exactly we were talking about in terms of dollar amounts and I was stunned by the figures when talent was translated to dollar. Once I got that I realized that in the parable Jesus is indicating the even the servant who was left one talent was left a lot of money. A huge risk for the master to leave that much money with his servants. I think about that for us, not in terms of dollars though that analogy still works, but in terms of giftedness and I think, we have been given vast riches. My church is busting out at the seams with leaders and speakers and teachers and musicians and athletes and artists. So much talent! Surely we can, with excellence in mind, produce a harvest that will double what we have been 'left with'. We are seeking to double our attendance for Pentecost this year, the birth of the church. It is my hope that we will see the same outpouring of the Spirit and God will grow us. I don't think that happens in a mediocre lets not rock the boat kind of approach to ministry. I don't know that God can't, I just wonder if He does.

I will admit to being a little driven. I am sure this is both a strength and a weakness and I rotate between celebrating victory and grieving defeat. I don't know that I will achieve excellence but I intend to go down fighting. One day, at the celebration following my graduation from this life into the real one, I hope there will be a footprint left, a person or two who's walk with God was aided by one of the goofy things I tried to do with excellence. I would like to stand at my Masters side as he sees what I have done with my gifts and tells me, well done good and faithful servant, come and share your Master's happiness.

Chilly, Baby

Gosh it's cold. I know this is winter and everything but what about Global Warming for goodness sake? I have heard nothing but Global Warming for years and yet, every winter in Kentucky seems progressively colder. The first year I was here I never even wore a winter coat. The year I was pregnant with Sam I not only didn't wear a coat but I wore no coat at the end of January in Chattanooga where I went to a wedding. We have pictures of me, seriously pregnant in short sleeves. What is going on with the temperature thing?

Wait, wait, don't tell me. It was a rhetorical question and I can just see you all now, primed to respond and tell me exactly how Global Warming works and how I am confused about what it means and at the earth's core there being all these little people who are right now shoveling some of our fossil fuel into a huge volcano that will one day erupt and the entire world will explode and if we happen to be home that day, well, we might be too hot. I guess we would all be toast then but I do understand from scientists that the cock roach will go on living under any circumstances we can imagine. I guess we leave the stuff to them in the will. Just in case, that is.

The more important question is how long will it be this cold and why is it that no matter what day of the week it is, one part of my church has a furnace unit that is not working? In the course of a ten day period we have lost a unit almost every day. Last Sunday it was my classroom, Monday it was the administration building, then it was the sanctuary, today it was the Fellowship Hall. It was a balmy 10 degrees outside and almost the warm inside. I am sure I saw icicles coming out of the coffee pot. I will admit that I am considering becoming of those conspiracy theory people, and believing the furnace guy and the weather guy have a deal going. Only I don't know if you have to apply for membership and if they make you wear one of those big badges saying, I believe in Area 51, I know where they buried Jimmy Hoffa and Jacqueline was in on the hit for JFK. This would bother me.

I have noticed in the cold nothing works all that well. Cars do strange things, water lines freeze up, people are less social, and I get very housebound. I keep thinking of all the places I need to be and I cannot seem to make myself go. I had to be at a concert last night so I made it a huge trip, to the recycling center, to the grocery store, to the post office, to the church, back home. I keep telling myself one more stop, one more stop, you will be home before you know it! Do you think it's at all possible that some of us were once bears and there is a hibernation gene in there trying to kick in? I say some of us because, if you are a subscriber to the evolution theory at all, you know people who clearly did descend from apes, and a few who once were woolly mammoths. Now that I ponder it, I am fairly sure some are in a direct line of those dinosaurs with the huge bodies and little heads.

So where is the redemption in the cold? I will tell you, it's in the people around me who make the best of it. I went to the coffee pot today, with a chisel just in case, and there was the sweetest man who looked at me with the dopiest grins and said, it sure makes the coffee taste great. The darling lady who came in with a fuzzy fur coat (do not write me letters)who looked darling and when complimented on her coat replied she had a great husband. What a precious thing to say. Or the very sweet old man, who has lost his wife this year, who gets up and comes to traditional worship because he thinks it makes me happy and said, it was hard this morning but I didn't want to disappoint you. Man. Hard to stay whiny after that, isn't it?

So I am putting on another layer, grumbling a little less and hoping that Spring will come in the proper season and until then the company will be this sweet always.

Big City Girl

I have been on another adventure. I take these journeys from time to time and explore the world unchaperoned. This is not as risky for me as it is for the world I wander into, but like all things there is an element of excitement and trepidation anytime you step out into the great unknown. I will admit with my sense of direction every step out is a step into the unknown but this one required crossing several states and arriving at a specific location.

I admit I was cheating too. I have been there a number of times now and I am beginning to know my small portion of Kansas City very well, enough to know where the mall is, the movie theater and several bookstores. Still, I had to go out there on my own AND follow a detour AND make it back. I impress myself, I really do.

Off into the big city I went. I was born in a big city and lived in several pretty good sized ones, but I have been becoming a country girl for more than a decade and have lost my ability to drive in five lanes of traffic smoothly moving from lane to lane. I lost the ability to pull out in front of on coming traffic without flinching. You know what that means, don't you? Yep, they take advantage of the country girl with manners. You can sit for a long time waiting for a break. I did this a little but by the end of the day my attitude was returning and I got better at being more assertive. You do know the assertive is the politically correct form of aggression, don't you? Never admit to aggression, but assertive is perfectly acceptable. I didn't develop road rage or anything, though I was only there for a weekend, but I did get a little less timid and perhaps a small chip on my shoulder.

I also had lots of wonderful experiences. They have restaurants I have only dreamed of visiting. I found a Barnes and Noble big enough to satisfy my need for a book fix and a wonderful place to curl up with coffee and read one of my finds. They had a delightful grocery store with a salad bar like I haven't seen since I left Virginia and a Starbucks on almost every corner. The people I have met there have been very kind to me, adopting me while I am there and making sure I am taking care of with out being smothered. I am learning really good stuff and excited by the material and the discovery that my mind still functions at least in part.

I also am learning that who we are in those deep recesses is who we remain no matter what environment we find ourselves. We respond to our environments no doubt, but we are still the people God made us in our center. I think the country girl in me still loves the stars and vast expanses, the fun in long walks and working in a flower bed. The city girl loves the lights and the action and energy of the city, the opportunities and luxuries of art and excellent coffee. But the adventurous, easily lost girl is still really the same. And the awesome part of that is the more I am at home with myself and growing in love and unity with my Heavenly Father, the more I find peace where ever I go. And the more I find, the more I want.

I found myself chatting joyfully away with a lady at a gas station convenience store. It was a two minute exchange but I know my spirits were lifted by the encounter and I hope hers were too. As I climbed into the car I said thank you for the blessing, started it up, pulled out and was almost back on the highway when it hit me. I not only recognized the gift when I got it, it didn't even surprise me. That my friends is growth. It's fruit for goodness sake! It's reason to celebrate and give thanks.

This city/country girl is going back. I will get lost again and probably need another book and will no doubt get my driving edge back, but I am sure I will still be me, still looking for the opportunity to be a blessing and to see the face of my Father reflected in my world. This is quite an adventure. Climb on in and hold tight!

Football Fanatic

Oh my gosh. No really, oh my gosh. My team, the team of my youth, my hometown boys are in the playoffs by the skin of their teeth. I settle in for football as one does with all the right stuff. Warm fuzzy blanket, team apparel, banner posted, diet coke in hand and I am in the zone. Only guess what, my team is not. My team is ruining a perfectly good football game by playing poorly. This is completely unacceptable. In fact it is so unacceptable, I am trying to figure out who I contact for justice. Who do you turn to when the party doesn't go as it is supposed to go?

I have tried the duck thing, you know water off my back, but it doesn't really work the way is seems to for ducks. I guess if you don't feel passionate about stuff its not so bad, but when I am in, I am way in. The disappointment when it doesn't go the way I want it to go is awful. This has often led to what should have been a crisis of faith only I was never confident enough to engage in it. In fact, I have had so little faith at times that I have refused to ask the questions for fear that God would not have a good answer. Or what I would accept as a good answer.

I have been reading the journal of a mom who's seven year old is undergoing treatment for a tumor on his brain stem. She is really struggling with the way the story seems to be going and the way she wants to story to go. She wrote openly about her frustration and fear in praying for God's will because she only wants His will if it agrees with her will. I do not have a child in this particular situation but boy do I understand that fear. I remember very clearly struggling with God over the life of my son and remember the haunting questions, 'Will you love Me if I let your son die' and 'Will you believe I love you if I let your son die'. My son lived, many other mother's do not and the question still needs to be answered honestly. Most of the time the crisis is not so great yet the disappointment and grief can create distance and distrust unless we have the courage and the perseverance to ask God to help us either understand or have the faith to believe He does.

My football team pales in significant compared to a mother watching her son struggle to live. I get that, I also get that in life disappointment on all levels must be resolved. The big things in life make us stop what we are doing to deal with them, illness, death, job loss, career change, relocation, retirement. We have no choice but to step out of life and confront them head on at least a little. The day to day disappointments that we have to suck up and go on with can create little doubt fissures that erode faith. I am resolving to stop when I am in the midst of a moment and tell God my hurts, my frustrations, even my fears. I want instant answers which I suspect I will seldom get. But I also want open communication lines so that I can share my pain and receive God's love, if not His mind.

Pray for this sweet lady and her family. Pray that God would move as He sees fit and that in all He would carry each of these precious people in the palm of His Hand and give them His Peace. Pray for each of us as we face smaller disappointments and frustrations, fears and failings that they might be used to complete the good work God began in each of us, instead of drive us further away from His love. And pray that the post season would be kind to my football team, or that I would endure defeat with grace. Oh yeah, like THAT is going to happen. Oh well, I do believe in miracles.

Generational Blessings

This year for Christmas my son Tim and his friends put together a concert for the church's Sunday night series. I was the typical mother in this. I am a detail person and he is a big picture person. So the detail person called often to check that the big picture person was remembering stuff, planning stuff, making phone calls. He sighed often and said things like "I got it covered, Mom". I gritted my teeth a lot and smiled big and prayed hard.

We called the concert Christmas in the Wires and it was the last in our Sunday night series. By week four the build up was pretty significant. We had three excellent evening prior to this and if Tim didn't feel the pressure, I know I did. All that tension built up and by Sunday evening I was about as tight as a drum. I was somewhat relieved when I realized the band was as tight as a drum too!

The concert began and each portion was better than the one previous. The musical choices were varied and by the time they got to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra pieces they had us eating out of their hands. The lights and the music were so cool and when the Chrismon Tree lit up in rhythm, I was so relieved and impressed I could have cried.

While the concert was amazing, what was such a blessing to me was the chance to see an Elijah/Elisha moment, only of course one of us didn't die. It wasn't the first time but it was a lovely reminder that we pass our faith and our gifts and our insights and experiences onto the next generation and they take those and add them to their own and the blessings truly do go on and on. I sat in that cloud of warm fuzziness that comes from answered prayer and a glimpse of the glory of God. I know by faith that God does what He says He will do, yet it is a divine moment when God lets me see His Hands. No wonder we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, to see the will of God unfold must be all consuming.

Remember the Sound of Music and the song they sing in the gazebo? Has a line "nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could, but somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good". Theologically, I have some issues with that, but today I see that God honors those who will make the commitment to live as His people. Lousy, fallen, broken people maybe, but none the less His. Isn't God awesome?

A New Beginning

I have been finishing my year in the same way since son Sam was born. I go to KenLake Lodge for a Christian retreat called CFO. I love to have this time, I love the environment, the overall experience and atmosphere and the time away. Someone else cooks my food, makes my bed, brings me clean towels every day and cleans my bathroom. I have lovely companions and great location, incredible scenery. Who on earth could want more?!

This year there was not enough participation and we didn't have CFO. For the second year in a row my church was sponsoring a mission trip during the same time frame called Christmas House. As CFO wasn't happening I thought perhaps this might be the time for me to take a mission trip. We have been sending teams to Mississippi and Alabama since Katrina and I had never gone. I admit that I was not overwhelmingly excited about going either, but there was always a reasonable excuse for not going. One by one all my reasonable excuses resolved. We would leave December 26 and return on January 1. We would be working on several different projects, staying at a church there, sleeping on the floor. My Christmas list changed to include tools and an air mattress. My prayers adapted to include surviving the lack of privacy, long hours and hard work. And on December 26 I took my bags and enough luggage to last a month and at 5 am I was in my church parking lot, coffee in hand, smile glued on my face.

It is a lifetime later. I am back home and it would be tedious for me to describe the week and worse for you to read about it. It was filled with frustrations and sore muscles and depressing living conditions and delays in materials. I did a lot of physical labor I have not done in a long time, some of it never. There was no sexism on the job site, everyone was expected to do what they could and there was work for everyone. One night my right arm was so sore I could not use it to drive home and I could not pick up the ice tea pitcher to pour drinks. I lived for the moment we got back to the church and I was in the shower under the hot water. We were up at 5 every morning and I was ready for bed before lights out at 9:30. I had a hard time sleeping on an air mattress and getting up and down from the floor. My boots got heavy and climbing up ladders was hard on my knees. We had team members who talked incessantly and at times it was like fingernails on the chalkboard. I am not a huge fan of dust and dirt and I was dusty and dirty from sun up to sun down every day. One day there was only bologna for lunch. Yuck.

And yet, while all of that is true it doesn't tell you anytbing at all about the mission trip. It was so much more than words can describe. In the midst of all of that, I saw the Body of Christ in action and I saw that I truly was a part of the Body. I received grace daily, almost hourly. I was given support by my team, the folks we worked for, the church who hosted us, the people who slept around me. I was given small gifts of love at almost every turn. People brought me tools, water, coffee and grins. They complimented my attempts and offered advice and encouragement when I was stuck. While I worked hard and got sore and achy, I was surrounded by folks who worked just as hard if not harder. There was no discussion about the aches and pains or soreness, no complaints about hard work. 60 some people waiting for the same 7 showers all doing so with little impatience. Those who had kids worked hard to have them clean before the teams got back to help with the traffic jam. There was good cheer, much humor, intentional joy. We were not the only team present, there were many others working in the same area, many who have gone before, many who will follow us. It was such a revelation to see that where the need was great, the response was great. The frustrations were frustrations and the material problems created delays, but the team found ways to work around them and used the time to rest or sight see or to clean. We shared a huge project or two that was accomplished because there were many who would carry it with us. I was blessed even as I hope I was a blessing.

The church who hosted us not only allowed us to use their facility, they worked around us. They worshipped with our sleeping bags and suitcases against the walls of their sanctuary. They used only two of the four Sunday School classes so we could leave our things where they were. They worked around the air mattresses and piles and if they were put out, they didn't say so. We came home but there will be more who follow in our steps and the church will host them as well. I am awed by the sincere living out, in a daily manner, the servant heart we are all called to have. I didn't meet even one member of the church in Mississippi but they witnessed to me profoundly.

It's a new year, a new start and I hope I have new vision to begin again. I want to take the mission lesson to translate into my daily life. The problems are problems but they are not the end, they are the means to the solutions and the opportunity and the blessings we both need and want to share.

Oh Lord, my God:
In this day may I see your hand in each moment. May I serve with the heart of those who have witnessed to me grace in action. May I live as a vital part of the Body to accomplish Your purposes. And may I be a part of furthering Your Kingdom as You are calling, withholding no part of me but being fully surrendered to Your will and Your way. Let Your love fill my heart and spill out to the world around me. Equip me with the strength and courage to serve with determination, and the faith to know it will be sufficient. Make me a blessing to someone today and give me the vision to see You in all. May Your Peace that passes understanding fill my heart and mind that I may be a vessel You can use to reach others. In all, may I learn to know You so well that I share Your heart and Your vision. Forgive my failings, heal my wounds and injuries and those that I have caused. Finish the good work You have begun in and through me that You maybe glorified in and through my life. I give you the praise, the thanks and the credit. I love you. In Jesus' glorious name. Amen