Wrestling again!

I have been reading again lately.  Some of those who know me would say I read all the time, and of course this is not true, but I do like to read.  I often in the middle of some book, or article, or cereal box.  It is a family trait, you know.  When the newspapers were striking in Pittsburgh, my family fought over reading the cereal boxes. 

But I mean reading like I am being sucked into the experience again, and loving it.  Not only loving the reading part, but the stuff I am reading is inspiring me,  filling me up, and calling me to more.  It is just the best of all stuff, when the reading is soul food, the words and the heart behind the words.  When what I am reading so captures my attention that I hate to put down the book, I can generally block out all of the annoyances around me, you know like people wanting dinner.  I am blessed beyond measure.

So, I am rethinking the stuff of blogs.  I have kept my blog a dirty little secret, known only to friends and family, because it seemed the most self absorbed, naval gazing time.  I really hated for anyone to know that I sat and wrote thinking that the world would be fascinated by anything that I could imagine.  It has seemed to me to be the ultimate in narcissistic behavior, and while I am not beyond self absorption, I delude myself in thinking no one else knows this by not publishing my blog.

But as I have climbed into these incredible books lately, and I think how much God has spoken to me from the pages of others thoughts, I am wondering anew if this is something I could be called to do.  Oh, don't imagine that I am now envisioning myself as the new voice of God for the world today.  I just wonder if every once in awhile, when I feel the need to express a thought, or a feeling, or an experience, if God could use me to speak love, or grace, or gratitude into someone else.  After all, even a bad example serves a purpose.

My other hesitation is that, when I write to entertain myself, which is what I do primarily, that is exactly what I do.  I enjoy the writing, and often crack myself up.  I will be writing along and a phrase or an expression really does tickle me.  I am not concerned with grammar, or run on sentences, though this should be of major concern because it is a huge sin for me.  I am not hoping to impress others, or thinking that I should use more professional expressions or better vocabulary.  I do not write when I do not feel inspired,  I do not worry about whether I have offended someone, I am silly at will.  Often after writing a blog, I simply put it out of my mind.  Who would want to give that up?!

Strangely enough, that is the harder question for me.  Is my lack of willingness to see this as a spiritual discipline, where God is shaping me in his image for the sake of others, humility or arrogance?  UGH!  Surely, Lord, you are good with me...being all about me....somewhere.  No, huh?  Really?  Because I think you have all stars on the bench who are absolutely thrilled to be in the game, and I could stay in the locker room where the temperature is a constant, and the insects are not buzzing around my head.  You let too many people read what you write and before you know it, they are all blogging about your blog.  Sheesh.

This is not the first struggle with this concern.  I return to it at least annually.  I want to be faithful, willing and open to the Holy Spirit.  I want to be honest, real, and silly because that's often who I am.  I want to be the kind of person that Katie Davis is, only I want to NOT go to Uganda and NOT pick jiggers out of the bottom of people's feet.  I want to share the love of Jesus with the world in my every word, every thought, every action.  If this is in a blog, then yes, take even this Lord.  If it is in learning to be open to the nastiness that comes from others participating in my wanderings, as long as you will make me able, I will follow you, Jesus.  If we could avoid going to Uganda, I would be grateful, but even there Lord, I will follow you.  Come, Holy Spirit, come.