Messy, messy, messy

I like order.  I am at peace when everything fits into its own space.  I am deeply satisfied by clean kitchens, clean laundry, clean closets.  I like when you open a file drawer, and there in alphabetic order, are neatly hanging files, waiting for you to find the receipt you need.  I love drawers that have nicely organized compartments that let you find the pens, or highlighters, or magic markers you need.  I am confident that when we discuss 'highest and best' with one another, we are talking about a place for everything, and everything in its place.   In my heart of hearts, I suspect that whoever first said 'cleanliness is next to godliness' was offering prophetic truth. 

So imagine my frustration, which is running amok in case I have failed to mention this, over the sad but unmistakable truth that the Kingdom of God might major in order, but it isn't any kind of order I have ever experience.  It doesn't move in a straight line, it meanders all over the place, starting over,  back tracking, and then making major leaps.  Somehow all of those forms of motion are all about the same and God seems to delight in all of it.  The further along you go, the further you seem to need to go.  The more you know, the more you discover there is know.  The people who hurt you, somehow become the very people who open your heart to receiving more of God, more healing, more grace  if you are willing.  What seems to be an end is always another beginning.  Surrendering everything and submitting, gives you everything and peace.  It is so darn messy, I don't know even how to organize all that!

Nearly a year ago, I attended a workshop where a speaker challenged me about my numerous critiques of the church.  He said, very gently and kindly,( but no less rudely) that the Gnostic believe they have secret knowledge that no one else has about how God wants things done.  What?!  Me, gnostic?  I sure didn't see that at all until I went home and looked it up.  Looking to defend my criticisms with what the scriptures say church should be, I ran face to face with church as messy, relationships with brothers and sisters that are messy, even Jesus' teaching which challenge and confuse me at the same time and this is messy too.  How on earth can God, who created the world in the most orderly of fashion, be in the midst of so much messiness.

Paul says that the creation groans in anticipation of the redemption that is coming.  Perhaps order is also groaning, awaiting the redemption what will come in the right season.  Surely, all the organizational thought processes can't be evil!  How can anything that makes me feel so peaceful be a bad thing?  Why wouldn't God want churches that were well organized, filled with wonderful people working out their salvation in nice neat and orderly kind of ways?!

Somewhere deep inside, I understand.  My desire to control my environment, to control my stuff, to control other people's stuff, is that never ending delusion that I can be safe, or I can be perfect leads me to all kind of self absorption and self worship.  The necessary acceptance of messy reminds me repeatedly that I am not God, I don't understand God, and I don't have all there is to know yet.  Seeing through the mirror dimly is all there is for now.  One day, it all becomes clear and maybe it turns out messy is the highest and best.  Won't my dust bunnies be excited.