Wrestling again!

I have been reading again lately.  Some of those who know me would say I read all the time, and of course this is not true, but I do like to read.  I often in the middle of some book, or article, or cereal box.  It is a family trait, you know.  When the newspapers were striking in Pittsburgh, my family fought over reading the cereal boxes. 

But I mean reading like I am being sucked into the experience again, and loving it.  Not only loving the reading part, but the stuff I am reading is inspiring me,  filling me up, and calling me to more.  It is just the best of all stuff, when the reading is soul food, the words and the heart behind the words.  When what I am reading so captures my attention that I hate to put down the book, I can generally block out all of the annoyances around me, you know like people wanting dinner.  I am blessed beyond measure.

So, I am rethinking the stuff of blogs.  I have kept my blog a dirty little secret, known only to friends and family, because it seemed the most self absorbed, naval gazing time.  I really hated for anyone to know that I sat and wrote thinking that the world would be fascinated by anything that I could imagine.  It has seemed to me to be the ultimate in narcissistic behavior, and while I am not beyond self absorption, I delude myself in thinking no one else knows this by not publishing my blog.

But as I have climbed into these incredible books lately, and I think how much God has spoken to me from the pages of others thoughts, I am wondering anew if this is something I could be called to do.  Oh, don't imagine that I am now envisioning myself as the new voice of God for the world today.  I just wonder if every once in awhile, when I feel the need to express a thought, or a feeling, or an experience, if God could use me to speak love, or grace, or gratitude into someone else.  After all, even a bad example serves a purpose.

My other hesitation is that, when I write to entertain myself, which is what I do primarily, that is exactly what I do.  I enjoy the writing, and often crack myself up.  I will be writing along and a phrase or an expression really does tickle me.  I am not concerned with grammar, or run on sentences, though this should be of major concern because it is a huge sin for me.  I am not hoping to impress others, or thinking that I should use more professional expressions or better vocabulary.  I do not write when I do not feel inspired,  I do not worry about whether I have offended someone, I am silly at will.  Often after writing a blog, I simply put it out of my mind.  Who would want to give that up?!

Strangely enough, that is the harder question for me.  Is my lack of willingness to see this as a spiritual discipline, where God is shaping me in his image for the sake of others, humility or arrogance?  UGH!  Surely, Lord, you are good with me...being all about me....somewhere.  No, huh?  Really?  Because I think you have all stars on the bench who are absolutely thrilled to be in the game, and I could stay in the locker room where the temperature is a constant, and the insects are not buzzing around my head.  You let too many people read what you write and before you know it, they are all blogging about your blog.  Sheesh.

This is not the first struggle with this concern.  I return to it at least annually.  I want to be faithful, willing and open to the Holy Spirit.  I want to be honest, real, and silly because that's often who I am.  I want to be the kind of person that Katie Davis is, only I want to NOT go to Uganda and NOT pick jiggers out of the bottom of people's feet.  I want to share the love of Jesus with the world in my every word, every thought, every action.  If this is in a blog, then yes, take even this Lord.  If it is in learning to be open to the nastiness that comes from others participating in my wanderings, as long as you will make me able, I will follow you, Jesus.  If we could avoid going to Uganda, I would be grateful, but even there Lord, I will follow you.  Come, Holy Spirit, come. 

All Talked Out

I am making an announcement.  This is very important (I will say this only once).  We have to stop talking so much.  Seriously.

Guess how many people have a blog and think that there is a long line of people who are just on the edge of their seats, waiting with bated breath for some wisdom from the few, the elite, the educated, and articulate?  Go ahead, guess?  100 million billion trillion quadrillion.  I might have left out a few...it is hard to count because after the first hundred thousand, they all look a like.

Name a topic, there is an opinion.  Millions of opinions actually, some people express two or three opinions in the same blog.  My favorite demotivators change, depending on my mood, but I think I am claiming Blogging as my current favorite:  "Never before have so many people, with so little to say, said so much".  A close second is Meetings: "Because none of us is as dumb as all of us".  Okay, right behind those two is this one: Diversity: "Because every person deserves an equal chance to prove their incompetence". 

Some obvious irony, I am writing a blog about people writing blogs.  There is a method behind the madness, but mostly it is just justification for why my blog isn't the same as 'those others', whoever they may be.  Worse than being a blogger, there are other bloggers who exchange blog addresses to read what each other writes and then comment on how the blogger was incorrect.  You have your own blog! Do not blog about others blogs on their blogs, this is double dipping. Oh, the inhumanity! Do you see the kind of things we do to one another?!

 I am beginning to think that the only thing for it is to make people pay for their blogs, by the word.  This will work for me, I don't know that many.  I will make a rule that I can only use the ones I know two times in each blog.  That will keep me in the 'low chatter' group with the cheap rates.  A special place in heaven for those in the low chatter group.

Here is where we get to the meat of the topic.  Do you really think that we are making the world a better place with all our endless chatter?  Particularly Christian people, who think our every utterance is swaying billions to love God, when really no one has been listening to us for several generations now.  We fight, pontificate, theologize, point/counter point, and the world just smiles and nods.  "Silly Christians, babble on."

What if we stop talking about what we think quite so much, and start talking about what God thinks.  What if we stopped trying to explain that we are so much smarter than the people who wrote the scriptures, and asked God how we can learn his heart, see what he sees, love as is practiced with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.   Here is a wild thought, what if we thought the highest and best was finding God in the moment, instead of bringing enlightenment to the moment?

Alright, I am violating my low chatter policy.  Stop me before I blog again!  Forgive me God, and make me the one who comes to the party to dance with you, instead of dissecting the music,  critiquing the decor, commenting on the guest list. .  After all, this is your party, and I am grateful for the invitation.  I think I hear the music now.

Messy, messy, messy

I like order.  I am at peace when everything fits into its own space.  I am deeply satisfied by clean kitchens, clean laundry, clean closets.  I like when you open a file drawer, and there in alphabetic order, are neatly hanging files, waiting for you to find the receipt you need.  I love drawers that have nicely organized compartments that let you find the pens, or highlighters, or magic markers you need.  I am confident that when we discuss 'highest and best' with one another, we are talking about a place for everything, and everything in its place.   In my heart of hearts, I suspect that whoever first said 'cleanliness is next to godliness' was offering prophetic truth. 

So imagine my frustration, which is running amok in case I have failed to mention this, over the sad but unmistakable truth that the Kingdom of God might major in order, but it isn't any kind of order I have ever experience.  It doesn't move in a straight line, it meanders all over the place, starting over,  back tracking, and then making major leaps.  Somehow all of those forms of motion are all about the same and God seems to delight in all of it.  The further along you go, the further you seem to need to go.  The more you know, the more you discover there is know.  The people who hurt you, somehow become the very people who open your heart to receiving more of God, more healing, more grace  if you are willing.  What seems to be an end is always another beginning.  Surrendering everything and submitting, gives you everything and peace.  It is so darn messy, I don't know even how to organize all that!

Nearly a year ago, I attended a workshop where a speaker challenged me about my numerous critiques of the church.  He said, very gently and kindly,( but no less rudely) that the Gnostic believe they have secret knowledge that no one else has about how God wants things done.  What?!  Me, gnostic?  I sure didn't see that at all until I went home and looked it up.  Looking to defend my criticisms with what the scriptures say church should be, I ran face to face with church as messy, relationships with brothers and sisters that are messy, even Jesus' teaching which challenge and confuse me at the same time and this is messy too.  How on earth can God, who created the world in the most orderly of fashion, be in the midst of so much messiness.

Paul says that the creation groans in anticipation of the redemption that is coming.  Perhaps order is also groaning, awaiting the redemption what will come in the right season.  Surely, all the organizational thought processes can't be evil!  How can anything that makes me feel so peaceful be a bad thing?  Why wouldn't God want churches that were well organized, filled with wonderful people working out their salvation in nice neat and orderly kind of ways?!

Somewhere deep inside, I understand.  My desire to control my environment, to control my stuff, to control other people's stuff, is that never ending delusion that I can be safe, or I can be perfect leads me to all kind of self absorption and self worship.  The necessary acceptance of messy reminds me repeatedly that I am not God, I don't understand God, and I don't have all there is to know yet.  Seeing through the mirror dimly is all there is for now.  One day, it all becomes clear and maybe it turns out messy is the highest and best.  Won't my dust bunnies be excited.