Saying Goodbye

I am not good at saying goodbye.  Ask anyone you like.  They will all say the same thing...I talk too long at the door, I have one more thing to say, I say I will be in touch, we will see each other again, yadda yadda yadda.  The act of 'this is the end' is very hard for me. 

Strangely enough, being in 'the end' is less hard for me.  Once the goodbye is over and the initial wave of grief hits me, living the goodbye is easier.  I don't mean I am not connected with friends and don't miss loved ones who have moved, graduated into eternity, or have just stopped communicating.  I just mean when the door closes, the door closes.  I don't typically stand on the outside beating on it, or checking back to see if it is open now, or it the lock is wobbly, or try to slide stuff under the door.  I just move on, sometimes with anger, frustration, resentment, or relief, joy, gratitude.  Why do you suppose I can't close the door all that well, but once it is closed, that baby is closed?!

I am at the end of my journey in the Spiritual Formation Academy.  I am looking around the room thinking some of these people will never cross my path again.  I am wondering how it will be in a few days when I drive away for the last time, what the last communion service will be like, how I will say goodbye to the darling people who have moved into my heart.  I am also wondering what it will be like when I no longer think of these folks all that often, or at all.  When the relationship changes, we lose touch and I am no longer current in their lives.  Will the place that they held remain?  And if it does not, why do you suppose that is?

Many seasons in my life have come to a close.  High school, college, neighborhood groups, navy  communities, church communities, small groups, classes.  I enjoyed them fully when they were active and on going.  I would have said I was fully invested in these communities; I can still name many of the participants, tell the stories, remember the significant moments. I believe my life and my heart were touched and yet, the season passes and I am not pining for those folks, or that place or even a do over of the time.
Is this a good thing, or a bad one?

I am inclined to see it as good, after all I am living in the present moment, looking ahead to what lies next.  No looking back, pressing on.  I am pretty sure this is scriptural and that of course settles the matter.   I hope it is not that I dislike pain and so avoid it at all cost.  I hope it is not that I am too shallow to let things impact me deeply.  I sure hope it is not that my attention span is so short, I can't focus on anything long enough to get broken up.  Surely it is not that I am an experience junkie, having drawn out of an experience all that I could, I drop that one off and look for a new one.  I am pretty sure none of those negative things could be true of such a deep, nurturing, bonding, fully focused being such as my self.  It is the hand to the plow thing, it is the taken hold of that which Christ took hold of kind of thing, I am sure.  Almost completely.

But just in case, just in case, I am praying about those other things.  Just in case I am afraid of suffering and sacrifice, I am  going to ask about that.   Just in case I am too eager to move on to the next thing, when a moment spent reflecting on this one, I am going to ask about that too.  I am willing to ask the questions, the jury remains out about my ability to hear the answers.

In this moment, all that matters is that God is God, I am not, and God is up to the challenged of opening the eyes of the blind, even the blind like me.  Saying goodbye this time could be a new experience.  It might become a hello of an entirely different kind.