It's is an eye opening experience to reflect back on a day or a week or even longer, if one's memory will allow for this, and divide, as neatly as one can, the things that brought one life and joy and energy and the things that are draining, energy depleting, negative and dark. I was in Kansas City again for class over the weekend and this was one of our exercises. I am a list person anyway and before I had even finished reading the directions or receiving instructions (who needs that anyway) I had neatly divided my paper into columns and made little numbers for each question and across the bottom made my little time line with all the things I could remember that had happened the last week. Probably because they stuck out in my memory I had no trouble deciding which was a happy column, or a sad column activity. After all, all of those things that were flat, neither one or the other, had long left my memory.
My happy column (which of course is not accurate but work with me here) I had email that had really tickled me. I listed the senior council at my church who had been such a blessing to me this week. I wrote down a wonderful God connection that put the right people in the right place for hope and help. I listed the time away following the Easter holidays to rest. I enjoyed the joy of reliving all the energy producing stuff.
In my sad column went an argument I had with a dear friend, a difficult conversation with someone over perceptions and vision, feeling overwhelmed about all the things I don't know how to do and the vastness of the job that needs to be done. Friends I haven't had time to be with and conflicts in the Body.
The thing that was inspirational was not which column things went into, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that, but to see how God was moving in or not moving in each of those moments, positive or negative. I don't know how to define what God causes, or allows. I don't if we can say this happened and God did it and this happened and God didn't. It is interesting to review with a little time passage to see the outcome. One example would be when I got into a conversation that so overwhelmed me that I thought I am definitely in the wrong area, that I had missed the boat. The information I was given indicated I was clearly ill equipped and unprepared to do the job at hand. This went into the sad column. In a response to that desperate feeling, the next day I sent out email to an instructor I had in a previous class hoping he could help me with information. He did (happy column), but that was only a small answer. He also told me about a program that would provide genuine help on a bigger scale than I ever dreamed (very happy column). One day I was overwhelmed and feeling gloomy and the next day the sun is shining again. This same occurrence happened for some of those other unhappy things, but not all. Some await the redemption but not as those who wait with uncertainty. It all is redeemed, just a matter of waiting on God's timing.
I have learned to embrace my knuckle headed status. I know I am messed up and there is no fixing me except through God's intervention. I am confident that God plans to fix me up, not as good as new but better in every way. The bad sad column leads not to the good happy column, but to life eternal with a Father who loves His children so much that even filthy dirty, doing exactly what they were told not to do, acting like He wasn't coming to set them straight, He loves them unconditionally and continues to call and to court until they find their way home.
Not all do find their way home, I don't think. Many would argue with me and perhaps they are right, but I think when Jesus grieves over Jerusalem, He grieves for all who will not come. I know this, for all us knuckleheads who wandered home because there was no place else for us to go, the party has been divine. This is in my happy column.
And this is going into the introspection column. Maybe the happy column and the sad column all end up being the same column in the end, the redeemed column. I am adding it to my paper now.
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