It's me again. I am tired and angry, frustrated and fearful, put out and put upon. I am outraged at injustice and incompetence, and I want very much to stand somewhere high above the maddening crowd pronouncing judgement, calling down thunder and lightening. You know that I have lost my way, my focus, and the pure heart that hungers to see you. Remind me, Father. Help me see what is important, what is eternal, what is you.
The family? You have that covered. You know what my family needs far more than I do. You know the choices we make, good and bad, and you have promised to redeem them all. You love perfectly, and you know that nothing, nothing, nothing can separate your children from you. I can trust that you mean what you say, you will never leave or forsake any of us, and you grace will be sufficient. I am afraid but perfect love drives out fear, and it will keep us in the palm of your hands. So, we may be pressed but not crushed, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. We will stand because you will make us able. Paul knew from personal experience what I am living into. You will be enough.
The job? You have that covered. You know the dreams, I think they came from you. You know the work, the heart, the hope, and the promise we live into. If it isn't yours. I want to let it go. If it is, open the doors that bring the victory and the glory back where it belongs, to you. I am praying that my desire for your will grows in leaps and bounds, and my desire for my own will wither and die. If this is the pathway that leads to that, help me endure. If it isn't, then move heaven and earth to see your will done. You made me, and you know me inside and out, all of my hope depends on you. Help me to trust that is the only way to go. You know I am afraid you will leave me in the dust. I believe in you, please help my unbelief.
The Kingdom? It is yours. It was always yours. I don't know what my part is exactly except to say, here I am send me. So here I am, willing, fearful, tearful and trying to trust that you will accomplish what you want through me. It's pathetic how small my faith is at times, and how deep distrust is rooted in my being. Dig it out of me and replace it with the purity of heart that sees you as you are, not as I imagine. Create in my a clean, whole, healthy, pure heart, and renew the power and presence of the Holy Spirit in me.
The future? I want a future from Psalm 27. I want to live in the Lord's house all the days of my life, seeing the beauty, constantly adoring, sheltered in your dwelling during troubled times. I want to be hid in secret places, in your own tent, set up high, safe on the Rock. I don't want to fight these demons alone, and I no longer want to fear defeat. I want to remember victory was won, and is a foregone conclusion. I want to have my mind in perfect peace as it is focused always on you.
Waiting for peace to return, as it always does. Thank you for your unconditional love and the promise after promise, reminder after reminder, hope upon hope. You can always see me, really see me, and make the me you see beautiful. This is grace.
1 comment:
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