So, how much am I worth, anyway?!

Somewhere deep inside of all the grown ups I know, is a little child who never quite grew up.  Along the way, some of the injuries life inflicts seem to prevent us from being able to fully grow up as whole people, and that inner child keeps those wounded spots alive and kicking, I guess until God heals them up.  My inner child can be so darn rude, popping in at the most inconvenient moments, and helping me act just like a small child in a grown up body.  What a terrible combination.  The only reason I can still go out in public is that my inner child has many friends.  We all hang out together in the ashamed section.

Most of the people I know have moments when the small child within them comes out to play with the small child in me.  Sometimes this results in hysterical laughter until my eyes water and one of us needs to make a bathroom run.  Sometimes this results in dead silence when the inner child is asking those outrageous questions or making those uncomfortable statements that are hard to answer. Sadly there are times when the children throw horrible fits that cause even more damage.   They may be children, but they now have grown ups tools to make sticks and stones look puny when compared to the words they can use.

My inner child can certainly throw a fit, almost always over the same unresolved issue: do I have any value?   I wish I could remember a time when it was pointed out to me as a  wee small child, or an adolescent, or whenever it occurred,  that I have no intrinsic value.  I don't know where it comes from, but my inner little one is fairly sure even when counted together, we are not worth a nickle.  So sure that is true that there has been a full scale government conspiracy type of cover up to develop deep protective layers to keep that sneaky little truth from going public.  When those barriers are threatened, woe be unto anyone who walks into the crossfire.  Messy, messy, messy.

I remember learning  somewhere that the chemicals that make up the body were worth about $10.  I am hopeful with inflation it's more like...you know...$12.  But even without counting the $12, I am aware that I am a precious child of God, worth so much that Jesus laid down everything to establish a way for the love of God to flow through the sin and death to life and redemption.  I know this, I have taught it, and I stand by it with absolute conviction that, while I do not even know enough about the nature of God to fill a thimble, I know this.  I have had personal revelation, scriptural basis, affirmation from the community of believers, and two thousand years of tradition to back up this position.  John Wesley would be proud.

So the question remains, how can I know this so well intellectually,  and still have this renegade little monster inside of me yelling "man the cannons boys, this is war" at odd moments.  The ego says I am smart enough to figure this out, after all I can figure out all manner of things.  I have spent much too much time pondering, studying, contemplating, praying, poking, interviewing, and even googling and still nothing!  I don't have a clue.  I only know this, reason isn't the solution.  The fear is so deep seated that prune as I may, I cannot weed it out.   I do not have a white flag, but if I did, I would be waving it. I surrender, which I think was probably the smartest thing I have done yet.

Two years on a journey into spiritual formation is teaching me this: with God truly all things are possible.  God needs no help from me, but if I am able to adopt a daily rule of life that keeps me centered in God's presence, leaning on God's power ,and trusting in God's grace, the journey may be more fun and certainly more peaceful.   In the last two weeks I have mastered nothing, but become much more aware of the reactions when they occur.  I am finding that noticing helps!  It may even lead to anticipation, and who knows, one day to discovering where the sore spot used to be is just a little bruise.  Maybe that little one inside of me, still worried about discovery, might grow up.  You know, to an adolescent.  Then I could buy the convertible,  play rock, and roll real loud, and maybe get blond highlights. 

So how much am I worth?!  Priceless.