Release, it's not for cowards.

I just need to say up front and without attempts to deny the obvious, I am a coward. I am a total and complete coward. I do not like pain, in any way shape or form. I do not enjoy suffering, correction, direction, attitude adjusting, boundary setting, humility exercises, turning the other cheek, going the extra mile or any of the people who spend their time thinking of ways to be my Holy Spirit. I have a Holy Spirit who does all the stuff mentioned above. My family is pleased to work in conjunction with the Holy Spirit to help complete the good work begun in me, so the rest of you who are applying for the job need to know it has been filled.

That being said, God really wants me to release all of my stuff into his control. All of it, even the parts of it that are in place to protect me from people mentioned in the above paragraph. God wants me to open my hands, let go and trust that what He says He will do, He will do. I am completely torn here, between my desire to be in deep relationship with God, my desire to know as I am known, to pray with sincerity not my will but yours, and the large firmly entrenched coward who is yelling really loudly, “Don’t do it. Danger Will Robinson, run!”

Today I heard a sermon by Adam Hamilton from Church of the Resurrection in Kansas City talking about Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. He talked about the 40 days of testing in the wilderness and Satan going away to return at an opportune time. Hamilton said that the Garden was an opportune time to return and tempt Jesus with whispers of fear: what if the disciples dropped the ball after he was gone, what if God didn’t do what He said he would, what if all the suffering and death was for nothing. Hamilton said Jesus responded by praying: if it is possible make another way, but not my will but yours be done.

I often pray for God’s will. I pray for a pure heart so I can see God’s will and follow faithfully. I just know what I want God’s will to be. I don’t think it’s selfish to want sick people to be well, mean people to be nice, selfish people to share and those who hurt me to stop doing that. It seems reasonable after all to believe this is a good thing, not a bad thing. Only, God sees what I cannot. God allows some who are sick to be healed only in eternity. He allows mean people to be mean and while he doesn’t agree to save me from injury, He does promise to redeem each one. Only, as in Jesus’ case, God’s will is somewhat painful at times, and inside of me is a deep rooted coward. I don’t mind a fight you understand, but like Peter in the Garden, I am determined to win. Release, surrender, keeping my mouth closed, letting God defend me instead of rushing to my own defense is very much like choosing to have a body part amputated without anesthetic. Why on earth do I want to do that?!

Because God asked me to, and I want to do what God calls me to do. I know that in the end, this is the best way to live. God always does what He says He will, the ending has already been written and the in between part is just a part of the delicate work weaving the story. I want the part I am in to be especially radiant with God’s glory. Don’t you?!