Growing Pains

I have recently checked in with the state of my soul, as John Wesley wisely advised us to do, and I have it on good authority it is in the bruised and beaten state. In fact, the soul was waving the white flag when I looked in. I understand entirely, the body is surrendering too. We all want to enter the witness protection program and be relocated to some place where there is a law against meanness. Is there such a place? There ought to be.

Once again for the billionth time, I am waiting for redemption and restoration. God is so faithful to do both, His grace is sufficient and His love is enough. Only, just between me and you, sometimes the way one learns this is you have nothing else to hang on to. This is certainly a way to be sure that what we believe by faith to be true is in fact true, but I am not sure I would say a good way, if you know what I mean.

In fact, the soul and I are incredibly bummed. I would say we were on strike but you know, I have tried that and it didn't work out so well. So, we are holding on and waiting for the joy to return, as it always does, looking for the things that are blessings and taking the things that are not and dropping them off where they belong. This is a spiritual discipline that isn't all that fun, honestly, but it results in peace. Who wouldn't do the work to get to the peace.

Well, me I guess! I have avoided the work so I could avoid the pain lots of times. I am a party girl, you know. I like the party, the laughter, and the good times when your soul is dancing like the sunlight on the water. I don't like the storms, the rainfall, the hurt people can inflict into your very being. I like the endings to be 'happily ever after' and the troubles to be short term and the glasses to be rose colored. Unfortunately, this is not always how it works out and when it doesn't, my feet long to run to the hills. I am still not at all sure why I can't be growing spiritually at the party. You would think that would be a natural for me.

But natural or not, it hasn't been a party. It has been very difficult and the only thing I have learned for sure is that regardless of what we feel, God is God, God is good and God is enough. His grace is sufficient and His love is everlasting. That bad is bad, but will be made good, because God says it will and that is enough. This promise alone ought to be enough for my soul to live on, and it is, only it would be nice if the beating could stop now and the healing could begin. I have asked for this starting ASAP. I wonder how long these orders take to process? Now would be really good.

Until then, I am looking for blessings to feed my battered and bruised soul and I am finding them. I have a family who has loved me and encouraged me during the difficult times. I have a couple of friends who have stood in the darkness with me and reminded me that light is within. My son was protected in a very perilous situation. There has been support for me in surprising places and when it has been too much for me to bear, a way out has been provided. That is enough for today, tomorrow will take care of itself.

I am thinking of calling the weather people, sure would like to know when this season is passing. Let us hope the next season is sunny and the water will be dancing. Until then, I am remembering all things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purposes. And maybe praying for a party or two.

Peaceful Places

I have just spent a glorious week away. I had been craving the time to rest and reflect and be out of the whirlwind. I think I am much more absorbent to the environment than I have previously believed. When I live in the storm, I become stormy, when I live in the peace I become peaceful. I was ready to be peaceful for a bit.

I am attending the Spiritual Formation Academy at Camp Sumatanga in Alabama. I wanted to go to the Academy the very first time I read about it several years ago. I was so excited when I found an Academy close enough by that I could drive. I was terrified that when it said 'camp', it meant 'camp', but this fear was relieved and instead while not the lap of luxury, it is a nice room and all the plumbing is on the inside.

So off I went with the desire to step out of the whirlwind and into a calm and peaceful bay. This was not my first week, I had already had one week in the Academy and knew what was coming. Quite frankly, God had shown up big the first week and while that is always delightful, it was also difficult. I had communicated a little in prayer time that should He choose to show up in smaller, less painful ways this week, that would be okay with me.


One day during Eucharist one of the Academy members sobbed uncontrollably. She continued to cry at the altar at the conclusion of communion and the community stood in silence in support of her. After the service concluded many of the community gathered around her at the altar and supported her in prayer and presence, touching her or someone who was touching her. The worship leader continued to play "Surely the Presence of the Lord is in this Place" over and over and surely indeed the presence of the Lord was. What an experience, no one was asking what was going on, no one was looking at their watch (I know, it's hard to believe but cross my heart and all that stuff), no one was trying to get her to stop crying. Everyone was just standing, sitting, kneeling with her in the moment.

I have been wresting with community, why it is so fragmented and why on earth we seem to need it so much. If we are so contentious and so argumentative, hurting one another and pushing our own agenda over the good of the group, why does God place us as part of the community that makes up the Body of Christ. That moment in worship was a tangible example, blessed to be a blessing truly.

That was not the only time I experienced the blessing of community during the week, but it was the most powerful. There were numerous ways the community touched me. There were impromptu hugs, someone grabbing my hand while we walked, a kind soul who cleaned up my dishes or brought me coffee or saved me a chair. There was the sweetheart who came up to me out of the blue and asked if anyone had told me I was wonderful, as no one had this was especially nice. There was the moment in the middle of a plenary session where two of us, exchanged glances and moved our gratitude bracelets from one wrist to the other, because we both had the same negative response to the same thing at the same moment. There were moments of shared laughter, an insider joke with a covenant group and the connection with someone who is thinking what you are thinking.

I do not know exactly how God, God in me, God in community. God in the world all fit. I know it is the same God, only the setting, the boundaries and the interpretation seem to change and all are part of the totality of God. Allowing God to integrate all that is certainly a challenge for me. Like the folks who say, 'I don't know all about art, but I know what I like', I too don't know all about God but I know what I like and I like God best when I am in peaceful places and He is with me. I want to grow to the point that even in the raging storms, when I feel hurt, or angry or afraid, I know God is present and I love him enough to find peace within. Or else I would just like all those storms to stop. One or other other would be okay, bet I don't get the second.

Luke tells us in the 17 chapter that the kingdom of God isn't here or there, it's within us. This is where peace radiates and where if we will look for it, God who is within connects us with God who is everywhere. Today I want to live from this place.

Who says?

I have been told you can never go home again. I do not believe this is true. Numerous children of all ages and stages have graduated from dependency on parental units and begin free and independent lives only to return, with more stuff and sometimes with dependents of their own. Why do people make up such ridiculous statements which fly in the face of the reality?

Yes, you are going to tell me that they do go home, but not like it once was. I can tell you, some of those families revert right back to pre-existing roles and not only are they home again, they are home like it used to be. Only they tend to fight more about curfews and taking their own car places. Strangely enough, if you are willing to do the laundry, pay the bills and provide clean room and board, many of them will honor the curfew!

I suppose there was a time when the transportation was so limited that kids who left home and went west young men, that going home was much harder. I presume if you had been fortunate enough to get back home, the struggle would have changed home and traveler. All those westerns seemed to indicate the trip out was one way because someone was going to shoot you somewhere out west anyway. We are still a pretty violent culture, but your chances of getting shot in on a trip into town for supplies is reduced, I believe.

Here is another saying that burns me: "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I am appreciative of the understanding that we ought to be a little bit wiser than to walk into the same foolishness twice. However, we have this little thing called 'forgiveness' and 'grace' in Christian circles. We are supposed to be restoring people into fellowship and yadda, yadda, yadda. So if we have been faithful to forgive (as we have been instructed to do so we will not become angry, bitter people and also because God says He will follow our lead there) and someone makes us look like a monkey again, is this really a 'shame on me' thing? I am not talking about buying the same snake oil twice, I am talking about assuming there has been genuine repentance because it has been indicated that has occurred and getting toasted again. I think the shame ought to and does stand squarely on the shoulders of the fool er.

And, since I have a good rant started, let me add that I am equally unhappy with is 'no smoke without fire'. That is so incredibly untrue that I am out of all patience with it and I want to stamp my feet and throw a cute, little, mature, professional fit. I have heard more rumor based on nothing more than someone was thinking something could possibly be true, where no fire had ever been. There are people who's reputations have been injured, where drama has run amok and there was never anything at all more than spiteful vindictiveness. I guess you might argue that the spitefulness was the fire but that isn't what the saying means. It infuriates me that once something is said, no matter how casually, it becomes a 'thing'. No smoke without fire after all. UGH. I want this to be outlawed. In fact, I want the whole gossipy chain to be snapped in enough places, it cannot be re-attached. I think this is hardly a new problem, as Paul was writing about it a little less than 2000 years ago, but we have not cured it. I am, myself, a participant at times and afterwards I think, you have just done it again, you dimwit! I have recently been reminded of the deadly force words carry. I am putting a guard on my tongue and I begin to understand Isaiah much better. I too am a person of unclean lips and I want God to purify them.

Strange that my rants always lead back to God convicting me. You would think I say to myself "Stop! You are about to be corrected again", but no, I go boldly where any other thinking person would fear to tread. I would explore this more but I cannot really take on much more than one thing at a time, and I see the unclean lips taking some focus. Grace, grace, God's grace, grace that is greater than all my sins.