Lost in Time

I have been off becoming wiser. Yes, I have been to the Church of the Resurrection Leadership Institute for making better Methodists. That isn't really what it is, only a little pet name. I was there with all my very dearest friends, a very intimate gathering of about 2000 people from 600 plus churches, learning some new stuff, getting fired up and getting send back to use what I learned. You wouldn't think this was a new concept but I have met people who seem astonished that we are expected to use what we learn. Apparently, the time spent in training is like the wizard confab the nice wizard from Oz was heading to when he couldn't wait for Dorothy. I am not a real wizard so this explains why I keep thinking if we use what we learn we will actually further the Kingdom. This is what fake wizards do to mess things up, you know what I mean?

Anyway, there I was with all the others, when in a moment I was lost in time. I was watching a conductor direct an orchestra and a choir in Kansas City, but at the same time I was in a high school auditorium in Hampton, PA watching my dad direct a choir while the orchestra played behind him. The music is gone from my memory but my dad was very real, very alive and there were things about him that seemed very tangible in the moment. I could almost see his mannerisms come to life in the conductor in Kansas. I can see his choir and I can watch him run his hand through his hair and I am a very small girl again.

How funny that there are memories stored in our minds that are so vivid when conjured by a stimulus that we are right back into the midst of them again. Having suffered through a recent bought of the whatever is going around gunk, I came upon a television show about a woman who is not functioning well in her thirties who has the chance to go back to moments of regret and relive them. I do not want this kind of a memory, but the nice ones that stir lovely thoughts are very pleasant. My dad has been dead now for 11 years and it was very nice to have him very close by in an element where he always shone brightly.

What of those memories that are harder, when they come pounding back and make our tummies flop over and our anxiety levels climb. I know what I tend to do: whoops, don't think about that. Turn that off. Completely! Sorry I opened that drawer, or door or thought! Recently someone shared a dream with me that deals with an unresolved sorrow for her. As she shared with me, I was calling upon God to give me inspiration. I remember having these kinds of dreams and the hunger within to have closure in these areas of sadness and grief, regret and remorse. I suggested what has been suggested to me in these areas, to invite God into the memory, to the dream and ask Him to bring resolution and redemption. As most of us do not get the do-over our hearts desire and I am pretty sure I would mess it up if I were given the opportunity, this is the only way some of those moments are healed and resolved.

I have recently been in touch with high school friends through Facebook. Not a bad thing really, and with them came some wonderful memories. I have been having some of those anyway since I have been organizing the youth structure at church and they are reminders of myself a while back. Those reminders also can open up doors that I would just as soon remain closed. Those things I said or did that bothered me, the decisions that I made that closed some doors forever, and the feeling of sadness or shame or frustration washes over me again. Instead of swiftly shutting the door as I have for years, I have been trying to sit very still and invite God into the memory. Somehow after I tell Him how I feel and discuss the whole thing with Him, the intensity of the emotion has faded and I am able to let go of some of the hurt. Is it gone? I don't know. Bet it doesn't have the same intensity that it once did.

This is a mystery truly. How does God, who is timeless, enter into all time and heal up a grown up woman who has an injured little girl inside? Who knows. I am just grateful. And now, I am off to use that stuff I learned. Sure hope the wizards don't find out and report me.