Collecting the Tears

I read The Shack again last week. I read it several months ago but we had a book club meeting to discuss it and I wanted talking points. I enjoyed it the second time as I had the first, but noticed different details. I had wondered really the first time through if I would agree with the theology once I stopped enjoying the story and took the time to analyze if there was truth in it. This time I read with that intent and found places I agreed with, places I didn't. But could find no basis for all of the outcry and I have profound concern that we are fulfilling the message I took away from Masada all those years ago....'if the others would just realize if they leave us alone, we would destroy ourselves'. Why on earth would we worry about a book that makes people stop to consider the possibility that there is a loving God who wants us to know Him better? Or Her better. Or them better. Read the book, it will make more sense.

I was struck by several passages that eluded me the first time. The passage about Adam and Eve was very powerful as was the image of forgiveness being removing your hands from the offenders throat. I could identify with that. Still the one that has stayed with me is the depiction of Sarayu (the Holy Spirit) collecting our tears and then using them to grow a beautiful garden. It is very artsy and some would certainly say it is fluff to make us feel better about the misery in life. I hear that, and I guess if truth be told, I would say this myself, only recently I have shed a tear or two myself.

Now don't be jumping to any false conclusions like I am becoming all mushy and touchy/feely emotional pudding. This is not true. In fact, all that stuff creeps me out and makes me very ill at ease. Not your emotion, you understand. People seem to feel free to cry with me and I am never uncomfortable with that. I am dreadfully uncomfortable when I tear up. Actually uncomfortable is an understatement. So, imagine my astonishment and mortification when in the middle of worship, I found myself leaking from the eyeballs. I was good until we started singing. I remembered a dear friend who died recently singing the same song. I remember watching her face when we sang, 'sing has lost its power, death has lost its sting' and a few tears came. Those were dispatched and I was fine until the greeting time when someone asked me how my son was, how I was and those doggone tears came back. I pulled it together again when the sermon about healing sucker punched me. I sat next to my darling 11 year old who asked me what was up. I said my contacts were bugging me. He said the only time his eyes did that was when he was crying or drank a diet coke. I said I had also recently had a diet coke. We giggled some. Then prayer time followed, and I was out for the count. I don't know why I did that. I work there for pete's sake. I know the rules, no matter what you smile big, respond positively and remain gracious. I have been dealing with my eldest child's illness for 8 years long term and a week in the recent crisis. I have been calm and in control. Who knows what that was. Maybe hormones.

Then sometime in the evening, (after I had considered all the possible options in going into the witness protection program, transfering the a church to be named later or claiming I had an out of body experience), this picture of the Holy Spirit collecting these tears, carefully storing them and one day, at the appropriate time using them to bring about beautiful life in the midst of death. Ponder with me please if perhaps rather than being a feel good kind of message, this becomes the promise of redemption. That God who knows our name, who knew us in the womb, who has counted every hair on our heads, who had made plans for us, good plans that give us hope and a future, who wants us to have life abundantly, who promises nothing can ever seperate us from His love, does redeem the sadness, sickness and death in our lives and brings from it wonderous, beautiful, new life. What if tears are a sign of the promise instead of a show of weakness? It is worth considering, I think.

Today God and I discussed again Paul's message of being content in all things. I am practicing knowing that when it is obvious that things are too much for me, it is apparently not my job. That surrender means more than our will and our control. It means our beings including our emotions and it means knowing that we know that we know, God is good, God is present and if the two things seem to be in discord, it is because it is not finished yet. That's scriptural, you know. Funny how it always seems to come back to the same place.

Voices on the Headset

I have just completed a conference where I got to be the stage manager. I just love jobs that give you titles, don't you? I don't think stage manager was capitalized, which would have made it better, but still it was a title and more importantly, I had a headset. Yes, and wait, there's more! With my headset came a delightful little box that had a button that turned on and off my microphone. A title, a seat at a special table (I believe I had forgotten to share this benefit) and equipment. Short of getting paid for it, I can't see how it could have been better.

With my headset and my title, I had permission to give a running commentary of what was going on in the conference. I got to say things like, so and so is approaching the podium, or lectern or center stage or lights up or lights down or other exciting tidbits of information along these same lines. At first, nervous about doing the job well, along with a team of others who were nervous about doing the job well, we were a little tense and very focused on the business at hand. Everyone was talking at the same time, too much information all the time and no one quite sure what it was we were doing. By day two we were relaxing, having made it through the challenging day before, and by day three we had become our own little community within the community. In fact, we weren't a part of the conference at all, we were our own conference. Follow this logic for a moment, if you can. Our conference was based on observing and supporting another conference going on at the same time. While we were all in the same place, and presumably all on the same page, we were in fact, in our own little audio visual world and while we were in the midst of the conference we were in fact set apart.

Our conversation started out to be informative and it moved on to be connective. We began to comment on what we were producing. As time went on people began singing along, whether they were supposed to or not. There began to be comments on people in the audience who were sleeping and speakers who were either inspirational or long winded. The comment and direction of camera shots were interspersed with comments about the quality of the shot or it's beauty. At the end of the conference when the last blessing was pronounced and I could say, 'that's a wrap' (which is a very cool thing to get to say), over the same headset I heard the group discuss with joy the experience of working together as a team and the hope we would get to do so again. In a world looking for connection, isn't it interesting that a shared purpose and mission over three days brought about community among people who could not even see one another. Just voices in the headset, who somehow became family.

Even more interesting, this was a Christian conference where connection and community ought to be the overriding purpose for gathering. Yet, the renewal I have heard about did not happen during the business or even worship of the conference but in the hallways where friends met, at meals that were shared and in this little community of voices on the headset. I have been pondering this greatly. I am thinking of other conferences and retreats I have attended where my mind was expanded, my heart was touched and I came home tired but so satisfied and learned spiritual truths that I continue to live from today. I became a part of a community of fellow believers who for a time chose to set apart time and experience God together. I feel for those who attended the overall conference who did not have this experience. I am sorry we couldn't pass out headsets to everyone, I am sorry not all had friends to meet in the hallways or over a bowl of chips and salsa. I want something more for everyone, I believe this is God's desire as well. I know more exists, I have experienced it. I loved it enough to want it for everyone who hungers to know more of God and feel the connection of the family of faith.

I pray this is the year that those who plan for such events will form a prayer team who will sit in the presence of a mighty God who desires such things for His children. I pray that this is the year that those who hunger for more will be fed and that all will return home with a sense of being filled up to overflowing with the love of God. I pray that this is the year we reach out and connect with one another and remind each other we serve shoulder to shoulder no matter where we serve. I pray this is the year that at the end of conference there is a joy from time spent together, sharing the same purpose and vision, even without a headset. Because, that's mine and so is the title.