I am feeling the need to return to the gift of words and the inner sanctum of recorded thought, like a clothes line, that allows me to hang up all of the thoughts scrambling in my head, and perhaps diffuse the wrinkles of unresolved feelings and thoughts that are beginning to escape in the form of...attitude. You know, unhealthy, pent up, highly volatile attitude that seeks some way to evaporate. Maybe it is just me, but mine seems to all go in tension, short responses, and unreasonable anger. It's time to get myself back to center. So, hang on beloved, it could be a wild ride.
I am very tired of the toxicity of society today. I get why Donald Trump is hard to embrace and defend, really. I understand why people are keeping a watchful eye, and have some worries about how his tenure could cause some waves, maybe big waves. I just really don't get at all why these same people are behaving like really mean bullies, totally treating this man like he is the only messed up person ever to be elected in our life time. I am not that old (though not that young either) but I can certainly remember presidents who had sex with people to whom they were not married. I am aware, in the course of history, there have been many who did not hold women as equals. Why, oh why. oh why is today the day we are going to be self righteous and indignant? I find people, who I have always admired and enjoyed, so full of their own attitudes and anger that I really can't even find a common topic to discuss. I am finding the only way to communicate with these people is to NOT. How awful! People who have gifted me with God's grace and inspired many of my days. What is God saying in this new season? Have I confused God's touch in my life with the means used to deliver it?
I am at a loss to know how to lead people well except to keep my focus on God. I think love is required, hope is essential, and faith is the foundation for how we hunker down to withstand the tremendous winds and waves pummeling daily. So, I am reading scripture with much more attention, leaning harder on prayer time, reminding myself that literally nothing separates us from the love of God, and more and more I am sure there is truly no being 'smart enough' to do this job. I am reading the books, hanging with my tribe as often as I can, filling my time with resources that give more clarity, more possibilities, but every single day I still feel this overwhelming sense of having no idea what I am doing. This is your party, God. I am depending entirely on You, and I am confessing that while I believe, I have pockets of unbelief. They keep me up, or wake me up, and they drive some of my attitude and anxiety. Can you still use those who seem to have such trust deficiencies and an inability to grow past all of them? Stepping out in faith that your patience is unfailing and your mercies are truly new every morning. Boy, I need that to be right!
Then there is life and death, change of season, ongoing relationships that are neither easy nor always fun. While I am aware the sun is always shining somewhere, there are days it is not shining on me. Weeks. What does one do with these grey, gloomy, Eeyore places? How does one accept with an open hand, give thanks for the redemption one does not yet see, fill the empty cistern when no living water seems close at hand? How can I give up my artificial, superficial, temporary relief mechanisms, believing there is real, deep, life affirming help coming? Oh that I would see your hand clearly in ever situation, trust implicitly, surrender freely. My neck muscles ache from the rigidity of standing still, hoping for the courage to stay.
Finally, it comes down to identity. Being someone's daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, pastor, friend, stumbling block, means of grace, is glorious and fulfilling. It is also draining, uncertain, lacks security and affirmation, and reminds me most often of my inadequacy. I know that as a Child of God, Person of Worth I am free from expectation, criticism, rejection, but somehow my heart gets lost in the never ending need around me, whispering over and over that I fall short. I need to hear You more often. Your love is the life blood, and I am in serious need of a steady supply. How do I do that better? I need a steady transfusion, a PICC line, so that when it is time to love others, I know I have plenty to share. Its the fear of scarcity that limits my love for others. When did that image become such a handicap to serving Your world?
Now we are at the heart of the attitude. Love is not a limited resource, it is ever multiplying, ever expanding, ever inviting, ever renewed if one just takes the time to receive. Vision is clouded by filters that color my perception of hope. Faith is pock marked by the weapons of war, and must be shored up by the ongoing protection of boundaries. Today this is my promise, God. I will keep showing up, and I am going to trust you will keep filling me up. I know the ultimate battle has already been fought, and victory is assured. Give me the eyes, ears to hear, and the ongoing Shalom of knowing all matter will be well indeed. Attitude adjustment complete.
