Yesterday, there I was minding my own business. I was working hard for the money, bringing in the Kingdom, practicing the life of a faithful disciple, when boom! Out of nowhere a demon possessed me and I found myself having a nuclear melt down with one of those people who holds a piece of my heart. If you think I was stunned, you should have seen the reponse from my precious friend.Here is the scary thing, this isn't the only time a demon has taken possession of my faculties and turn me from supergirl into lavagirl. I wish it were not so, but I have to confess that the truth of the matter is that I do not release frustration and anger wisely at times. I think I am surrendering these things, talking to God, trusting that all things are working to good. It is certainly my plan anyway, and I am working round the clock to practice these spiritual disciplines more consistently. Yet, when a number of unresolved issues begin to stick to each other, growing into an ever growing stack, I have notice that when people I love get too close to a heart button, the whole thing blows sky high.
I would like this not to go on being a problem. I am quite used to apologizing, as in the natural course of any typical day I will have bobbed when I should have weaved, or zigged when I should have zagged. I am even okay with strong emotions, as I find people of passion and energy are a joy to be with and get a lot of good stuff done. I am even okay with having some touchy places in my heart, as it reminds me that I am completely dependent on God for healing, hope, and wholeness. The part I would like to go away is the part when I pretend I am not hurting over the accumulation of unresolved 'opportunities'.
If I could just say to people, "I am sorry, I am a bit on edge because my bucket is currently weighed down with the man who told me a delightful story that has no basis in truth, the lady who is teaching Bible study and tearing down my character in the same breath, the unknown outcome of projects near and dear to my being, and the nagging voice of my GPS Samantha, who never lets me forget that when she told me to turn left, I turned right", I think I would not have these volcanic eruptions. It's all the pretending that I have it all together that is wearing me out.
Tonight I passed a friend in the hall and asked how he was doing. He replied his typical response, no sense in complaining, and no one is listening anyway. We think it's funny and we both laugh, but we are wrong. It isn't funny, but it's very true. No one wants to know what is going on inside our heads, or banging around in our hearts, they just want us to wear the facade, smile and reply "I am fine thank you, and you?" We want that too, because after all it is the desire of our hearts to be fine, thank you. I wish I always was, only I am only pretending sometimes.
I don't think I am the only one pretending, as I have some fairly volcanic friends from time to time. I really believe it is not the stuff we have that is making us erupt, it is all the pretending. If I could just respond to sincere inquiries about the status of my soul, I suspect I wouldn't be lavagirl any more. Yes, I confess I might become whineygirl, or Mrs. NoFriends, but I wonder what life without the fake grin might be like.
I think God likes me when I am frustrated. I think He feels good about me saying, you know, this is not making me at all happy. I even think when I say, "This too shall pass, and NOW would be very good" I am a beloved daughter, infinite in value and worth because they are freely given based on God's character and not my own. If truly nothing separates us from the live of God in Christ Jesus as Paul wrote and the Church has embraced for 2000 years, then I want to stop pretending I don't have stuff. I want to keep my hands open, and let God take my stuff as He often does, but I don't want to try to hide it under the 'mini me' that has this unbelievably bad way of making me nuclear.
St. Paul says that now we see through the mirror dimly, then we shall see face to face. I bet what we see one day is just the real us, made perfect through Jesus, being made holy. Won't that be a fashion show!
